I was pondering today (something I tend to do when papers loom menacingly over me), and I realized that for the first time in my entire life, I have no long-term goals or plans.I want it to sink in how utterly un-me that is.
I am Miss I-Have-My-Life-Planned-Out. I am a member of Checklist-Makers Anonymous. I always know what I'm going to do. And even if I don't have the details worked out, I usually have a ballpark figure of where I'm heading.
But this time, I have ni idea. You know how when people thought the Earth was flat and if they kept going, they'd fall off the edge into a bunch of monsters or whatever? Like, I feel like right now, I'm traveling on the flat Earth: 1. Go to graduate school. 2. Graduate. But then, 3. ??? (off the edge!)
I'm not afraid of monsters. In fact, I'm scaring myself with how unperturbed I am that I don't have a little mapped-out post-graduation life. I have six weeks left of teaching. Isn't that insane? Six weeks! How did that happen? It's ridiculous how fast this school year went by. And I know my year of graduate school is going to clip by at the same pace.
But like I said, I'm uncannily unperturbed. People constantly ask, "So, what are you going to do when you graduate?" And I just shrug my shoulders, goofily smile, and say, "I have no idea." Then I follow up with, "Well, whatever I decide to do, I'll get paid more," which in turn elicits polite laughter. Har, har, har.
Seriously, though, I wonder if I'm going to have this awakening and fly into panic mode. Or perhaps I'll acquire a comforting hunch that what really awaits me beyond the edge of my flat Earth aren't monsters at all.
3 comments:
i'm with you on this...i have plans to get through school, which will get me a job that pays more. and i'd like a house. i'd like to find the right person. some of these things i don't have control over, so i'm trying to go with the flow. i think growing as a person is a good goal to have, whether that changes your location or career or anything else. growth of the soul isn't really measurable by other people, but i think it's significant.
Yay for struggling members of checklist makers anonymous!
I definitely know what you mean, only on a smaller scale. Until the summer of this year, I knew exactly what I was going to do and how I was going to do it. I hate being indecisive and plan-less. It's no fun!
gosh, i know exactly how you feel. i'm already at the edge. i have to find a job, i have to move, i have to settle down?..., uh. hard decisions.
k
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