I don't know why I'm partial to "or" titles. It's sort of like two different ways to think about a singular piece simultaneously. In fact, one of the novels I'm analyzing for my dissertation has an "or" title.
Santa lujuria o Papeles de blanco.
When I say there are times I wouldn't mind being single again, I want to make it clear that it doesn't have anything to do with my husband. It has everything to do with me and how I'm used to thinking and coping with life as a single woman.
When I was single, I was lonely sometimes, but I was fine. I mean, I was fine as in, I was completely capable of handling my business on my own. This is not to say that I was (or am) completely self-sufficient, never relying on anyone like my friends and family for support. Of course, I still do rely on them. No one is completely self-sufficient. But what I'm trying to say is that I just got used to dealing with myself by myself and making decisions for myself which largely only impacted myself. Is it selfish thinking? In a way. But there's a freedom (which can also be seen as a trade-off) in only having yourself to worry about, and there's a strange comfort in knowing that whatever personal decisions you make can only potentially mess your own situation up. The only person who has to deal with the aftermath (good or bad) is you. I'm used to owning my stuff. My positive qualities and successes well as my hangups and baggage.
But when you're married, you no longer have complete ownership of your personal stuff. Getting married is the equivalent of sharing for life. I don't mind sharing positive things. Fun and uplifting things that make people smile and laugh and think you're wonderful. But I have a problem sharing the other stuff. I can't divorce myself from the other stuff, somehow excise it with a magic marriage wand because it's a part of what makes me me, like it or not. But I don't like it, and I don't like getting it all over my husband. Because it makes me feel bad. Guilty. Almost manipulative in a weird way. It makes me want to gather up all my contradictions and worries and insecurities and vulnerabilities and lock them away from him so I don't have to worry about them falling out all over the place and negatively affecting him. This is the one thing that I'm afraid of: Me being the person I am somehow negatively affecting the person my husband is. I just don't want that.
But the thing is, if you try to lock that stuff completely away, you end up being dishonest and pushing your spouse away. At least I do, because when I want to handle it the way I'm used to, I feel myself wanting to pretend that it's all good and fighting the urge to distance myself from him.
Hi, my name is Chantell, (Hi, Chantell) and I'm a recovering control freak.
So, yeah, the times the stuff I try so hard to keep at bay threatens to overflow and make things messy are the times I wouldn't mind being single again.
Which leads me to things not working out the way I hoped. Not my marriage. My job search. But my marriage is connected to my job search because the results of my job search are going to affect my marriage.
I got a call on Friday that was not at all what I expected. The
Signs job was offered to someone else. It hurts to be rejected, sure, but I guess it hurt more because I was optimistic that I would receive an offer. It's one thing to be disappointed, but it's another for you to feel confident that things would work out a certain way and then not only feel disappointment, but also feel that you overestimated yourself. However, there's a twist. The search committee head told me that although they offered the position to someone else, they were still highly impressed with me, think I'm an excellent teacher and would still very much like for me to be a part of the program. So, the Dean decided to create a one-year Visiting Assistant Professor position for me, if I were interested. Though the job is temporary and not tenure track, there's a tenure track position opening up the following year and they would highly encourage me to re-apply. Nothing's a guarantee, but it's not uncommon in academia for a temporary position to give you a leg up into a permanent one. Nevertheless, I had super mixed feelings about it. On one hand, totally not what I wanted to hear, but on the other hand, pleased that they were impressed enough with me to create a position for me. Nothing is official quite yet, but I'm almost sure I will accept it.
It made me think about the many other times in my life where things didn't work out the way I hoped they would. It sucked at the time, when all I could see was disappointment and rejection. But so many times, things eventually did work out, in a way I didn't anticipate, and better than what I initially had in mind. Maybe this situation is another example of that. Maybe God is opening a door, and I should trust Him, walk through, and see where it leads.
