Tomorrow's my birthday. Yay!

Tomorrow's my birthday and I'm going to be older than I've ever been.  Hee, hee.  And, omg, it's my last birthday as a single lady.  What?

I'm excited because my sweet future husband is really excited about whatever it is that he got me as a gift, and because we're getting dressed up and going to dinner.  I love getting dressed up and going to dinner.  I'm going to wear a dress he's never seen me in before.  Heh, heh.  I teach tomorrow, but I'm bringing candy to class to make it at least somewhat celebratory.  Good candy, too.

You know, what's funny is that my birthday and my sweet future husband's birthday are only four days apart.  I think it's another sign that we were meant to be.  We could just have a birthday week together.

I hope no matter how old I get, that I always feel special on my birthday.

This Thing Called Life

It's a phrase that, when our pastor says it, always causes my fiancé and me to exchange knowing looks and smiles.  It's one of several pastoral catch phrases.  I told my fiancé we should make a pastoral phrase bingo card to play during church.

Anyhoo, I digress.

In this thing called life, things happen that you never expected would happen.  Things don't happen that you always thought would (or should) happen.  It's just part of how it goes.

My 33rd birthday is right around the corner.  Do I need to let that sink in for a minute?  I am going to be the age our Lord Jesus Christ was when He died on the old rugged cross.  But He rose.  Halleluyer.

I was contemplating my birthday's proximity out loud in front of my students and admitted that I have about 15 years on most of them in there.  I teach Elementary Spanish, so most of my students are freshmen.  They looked at me wide eyed.  "No, way, Profesora!"  I was like, "I can show you my driver's license."  You know what they say, tho...black don't crack.  I ain't mad.

Ahem.  Again, I digress.

So, I'm getting older, people usually think I'm 6-10 years younger, and I think I'm ready for 33.  It's a pivotal year, no?  I've got one more year of writing my dissertation before I become a Dr., and I've got 52 days before I become a Mrs.  I can't complain.

Can I just get mushy and gushy and say how much I LURVE my man?  He's what I need.  That's all I can say.  He's what I need.  I never imagined in a million years that I would ever marry this dude.  I'm telling you, I remember seeing him for the first time offhandedly in the computer lab a couple years ago before we had anything to do with one another, and if some angel of light had come down from heaven right then to tell me he was my future husband, I would have been like, "Whuuuut?  Get back to heaven and go saddown somewhere."

I never imagined in a million years that I would get married while in this PhD program.  But here we are.  So much can change in this thing called life.

I applied for a particular dissertation fellowship in hopes that next year I would be able to write my dissertation without any teaching responsibilities.  It's a nationally recognized program that provides funding for a year and also opens many professional doors for the awardees.  I went for it knowing that it was a long shot.  Knowing that it was super competitive, that the odds were against me, that I probably wouldn't get it, but that would be okay, that—

I found out yesterday that I'm an awardee!

Well, well, well.  Something about this thing called life.  I was ecstatic.  I was floored.  I never imagined that I would actually get it.  My super awesome, amazing genius woman professor who is now at Harvard applied for it back in her day and she didn't get it the first time.  I thought if she didn't get it the first time around, then my chances are next to none.

It just goes to show you that you never know.  God does, though.  He keeps trying to show me that I just need to relax.  That I just need to keep moving forward and to enjoy my journey.

Bridezilla

Ugh. I apologize in advance.

1. In less than two months from now, I'm getting married.  Yup.  I have a counter on my blog.  I am so aware of it.  I wake up every morning and think about it.  You (yes, You, probably well-meaning, nameless, composite, passive-aggressive target) reminding me of it is NOT HELPING.  Yes, I know it's soon.  Yes, I'm excited.  Yes, I'm nervous.  Like, what do you hope to accomplish by asking me these things and stating the obvious?  What reaction to these inquiries do you hope to elicit?  You are making me more nervous.  And if you can visibly see that your prattle is making me more nervous, your saying "Oh, I don't mean to make you more nervous!  Oh, I don't mean to overwhelm you!" is even more infuriating, because what else did you expect? Did you think I was going to break into song and dance out of gratefulness for being reminded of what is already branded into my brain?

2. MORE people have tried to invite themselves.  What is this?  A self-invitation epidemic that is plaguing brides-to-be like some sort of annoying, presumptuous, clueless Ebola virus?  Yes, I DO mind that you would like to come.  We have a limited guest list and limited money.  Period.  Ugh, I've already extended invitations to people I probably shouldn't have. People out here acting like going to my wedding is the last step in the plan of salvation.  Go sit yourself down somewhere and stop trying to get all up in my lifespace.

3. And of the people who have been invited, I have this sinking feeling that some are going to fail to RSVP on time (before April 15) and then ghettoly be like, "Aw, you knew I was planning to come!" and then show up and get extra helpings of spinach and artichoke dip.  Nawl.  We need headcounts, people.  We need cold, hard numbers so that we'll know how much seating we'll need for the ceremony and reception.  We need cold, hard numbers so we'll know how much food to pay for.  How much and how many of every little thing we're going to need for everyone.  There is a very simple, streamlined process mentioned on the invitation and outlined on my wedding website for you to sign the heck up.  It only takes a few clicks and typing strokes.  I already have 100 million things buzzing around in my brain.  Trying to remember whether so-and-so mentioned they were coming is not one of them.  We've set that sucker to disallow RSVPs after the cutoff date, so if you're planning to come, let my lovely little online registration process know, not me.  No, we were not dealing with no send in a response card madness.  Extra postage and having to keep up with that junk.  We are living in 2015.

4. I am in a passionate hate affair with myself because I am getting NOTHING done.  I have a dissertation to write.  I have chapters due.  I have things to accomplish, and here I am, inching along like a slothful slug because I can't compartmentalize.  This is beyond procrastination.  Okay...maybe I can give myself a millimeter of credit.  I did turn in a chapter this semester, I am presenting at a conference next month, and I do have an article being published in a forthcoming edited volume.  But it's still woefully embarrassing how far behind I am.  I HAVE to finish in May 2016.  I absolutely have to.

When Things Start to Look Up

A couple of months ago, my fiancé felt led to make a few sandwiches, give them out to the homeless downtown and pray for them.  He asked if I wanted to join him, and I did.

Everyone was very gracious, accepted what we offered them and allowed us to pray with them.  One man in particular was very responsive.  We'll call him Tony.  He sits out on a bench not too far from the Starbucks downtown.  He talked about a friend of his who comes by to chat with him, and I said, "I know it means a lot to you to have someone to talk to."  And he replied, "It doesn't mean a lot, it means everything."  He talked about how people walk by, ignoring him everyday, not even acknowledging him.  He told us about a student who belittled him yelling at him to "get a job."  He said, "I told him, 'Give me one.' If someone offered me a job, I'd take it."  He said how much it means, not for someone to give him money, but just to acknowledge him as a person.  As a human being.  We prayed with him and he cried, saying he was so grateful for our prayers.  From that day on, anytime I've passed a homeless person, I've said hello or smiled and nodded, even if I didn't have anything to give, just to acknowledge them.

We saw Tony again today, and guess what?  He told us someone offered him a job.  It's a part time job doing custodial work, but it's something.  He said soon he's going to open a bank account.  And then his next goal will be to look for housing.  What amazing news to hear!

I love it when things start to look up for people who really need things to start looking up for them.  It makes me feel like they're looking up for me, too.

Bridal Shower. Wedding Dress. Spring Break.

My fiancé and I have been in my hometown since Friday.  We're leaving to go back to the place we call home tomorrow morning.  Several important little events have transpired:

1. My family met his family for the first time.  His mom, stepdad, sister and little niece all came into town for the shower.  I was a little nervous at first, but everything went over quite well and I realized, as I have with many other things, that there was nothing for me to be nervous about.

2. My bridal shower.  My mom and a lot of church ladies came together to make my bridal shower an absolute success.  It was beautiful.  I got to spend time with good friends, I got to see friends I hadn't seen in a while, and we just had a fun time.  We got lots of things we registered for, which was exciting, and I even got a few lacy, racy things we didn't register for (but which are no less exciting, lol!) I'm going to have a LOT of thank yous to write.  I just felt so overwhelmed by everyone's love and well-wishes.  I know that I am truly blessed to have so many people who love me and consider me like one of their own.  To see pictures, click here.

3. My wedding dress.  Done.  I had a final fitting yesterday, and it is completely finished, along with the accompanying veil.  I shall not post pictures of me with my dress on...I can't chance my fiancé getting a glimpse of them.  It's bad luck.  I'll have to make everyone else wait to see me in it just like I'm making him wait.  I'm very happy with how everything turned out.  It's everything I never knew I wanted.

4. Spring Break.  This week.  i.e. a week without having to teach.  That's part of why we're heading back tomorrow...I have so much work to do and I have a deadline hanging over my head (which I'll be very hard-pressed to meet, but I have to at least try).  The longer I'm here with my family, the less I'll get done.  So I have to take advantage of these work-free days to...work.  We've had a lovely time, though.  And we're going to take a little day trip tomorrow before we get back to the grind.

I am sad tonight in a way I didn't expect.  I said goodbye to my brothers, who now live in my parents' "old house," the house I grew up in.  I realized it was the last time I'd see that house, be in that house, before I get married.  It was like saying goodbye to a part of me I was leaving behind.  As we drove back over to my parents' current home, I realized it would probably be my last time coming home to visit before I get married.  It was the most bittersweet feeling.  I spent the better part of my twenties trying to get out of this city, trying to leave it behind.  Southern, syrupy-sweet, cloying, but with the best of intentions.  Reminders of things better left where they are.  Now you're never coming back the same way.  Thinking I never wanted to.  Knowing that things aren't going to radically change, but knowing that they'll never be the same.