Listen, you. Stop it. You know what I'm talking about. Stop doing this dumb, embarrassing thing where you get concerned about other people's lives. You want people to let you live, so let other people live. Someone else's happiness is not a detriment to your own, even if that someone else deeply hurt you in the past.
Can you please maintain your focus on the blessings in your life right now? You married a good man. A man who loves you, respects you, adores you and truly wants to make you happy. A handsome, honest, sincere, sensitive, hard-working man. That is a straight up blessing. Can you stop and remember right now how God sweetly introduced this man into your life? You are starting a family with this good man. You have a healthy, acrobatic baby growing inside of you right now that will be a combination of you and this good man. There are people in this world who would love nothing more than the chance to conceive and start a family. You've been given that chance. It is a gift.
Even though you didn't necessarily plan to conceive at the time that you did, God knew what He was doing. You just had a meeting with the Dean, and to make a long story short, you will be allowed to have the maximum possible time with your baby and get paid. You will have all of January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August to be with your child after s/he is born. That is a blessing.
Girl, if you don't stop. You are beyond blessed. Being blessed doesn't mean everything is perfect. But you are undoubtedly blessed.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Cat's Out the Bag...
Here ye, hear ye...this is the little picture we ended up sharing via FB to announce our pregnancy to the world at large:
I was a little annoyed that it came out slightly off-center, but hey, let's say this can be the beginning of my journey of letting go of insignificant things.
There was a little paranoid part of me that was afraid that once our announcement was out there, I would wholly expose myself to a myriad of cray comments and unsolicited advice, but I was pleased to see that people responded pretty normally. Simple variations of "Congratulations." There was that one stray comment that I declined to like from a colleague who just had a baby himself, which is why I guess he felt emboldened with his newly acquired status of fatherhood to write, not "Congratulations," but "Sleep now and often." Boy, saddown.
Like, I get it (not really, but theoretically), when the baby is born, you don't get any sleep because it wakes up and cries and needs to be fed and is uber needy and you're walking around like a zombie. You're not telling me anything I haven't already heard. "You're not going to get any sleep" as a response to a pregnancy announcement is the equivalent to "Marriage is hard" as a response to an engagement announcement. It's kind of like, just as I was aware that marriage was not going to be this everlastingly glorious love cloud, I'm quite aware that caring for a baby is not going to be this cornucopia of warm snuggles and precious cooing, so, can you just wish me well and shaddap? Surriously. Anyway, it is nice to openly talk about it, not have to think about who knows and who doesn't know. Let the info just float around out there and spread, as such info is wont to do.
I'm getting a tiny little pudge. Baby bump-ish. Enough to wonder if I'm pregnant or just chunky around the middle:
There was a little paranoid part of me that was afraid that once our announcement was out there, I would wholly expose myself to a myriad of cray comments and unsolicited advice, but I was pleased to see that people responded pretty normally. Simple variations of "Congratulations." There was that one stray comment that I declined to like from a colleague who just had a baby himself, which is why I guess he felt emboldened with his newly acquired status of fatherhood to write, not "Congratulations," but "Sleep now and often." Boy, saddown.
Like, I get it (not really, but theoretically), when the baby is born, you don't get any sleep because it wakes up and cries and needs to be fed and is uber needy and you're walking around like a zombie. You're not telling me anything I haven't already heard. "You're not going to get any sleep" as a response to a pregnancy announcement is the equivalent to "Marriage is hard" as a response to an engagement announcement. It's kind of like, just as I was aware that marriage was not going to be this everlastingly glorious love cloud, I'm quite aware that caring for a baby is not going to be this cornucopia of warm snuggles and precious cooing, so, can you just wish me well and shaddap? Surriously. Anyway, it is nice to openly talk about it, not have to think about who knows and who doesn't know. Let the info just float around out there and spread, as such info is wont to do.
I'm getting a tiny little pudge. Baby bump-ish. Enough to wonder if I'm pregnant or just chunky around the middle:
In less than a month, we'll find out whether we're having a little me or a little P!
Thursday, July 13, 2017
From Bean to Humanoid
So, I'm currently 11 weeks along and I had another ultrasound yesterday. I mean, if you compare the last time we saw the baby to this time...it's ridiculous. I mean, the last time we saw it, it was a little beany blob. This time it's like a legit little human. I swore I would never put ultrasound pictures online (still won't on FB), but I can't help myself. Like, the baby looks like...an actual baby:
 |
| Straight up little baby |
 |
| Hey, guys! |
I can't believe this little being is literally inside of me right now. And the second picture! S/he's waving at us! It's all just amazing and overwhelming and unbelievable. During the ultrasound, the baby was even moving and jumping around like a little acrobat. I can't feel anything yet, but I guess I should get ready. In about a month we'll be able to find out the gender. We do not want to be surprised and we are NOT doing a gender reveal party. I don't want to knock it for people who think it's cute. There's nothing inherently wrong with the gender reveal thing, but I just can't. To be honest, I think it's kind of silly. I'm just not into the whole, boys are all blue and trucks and girls are all pink and frills. It's just irritating. Anyway, ahem, excuse me as I step off my soapbox...
Here's something I realize I really need to get a handle on before the little one comes along...my need for things to be done a certain way (my way). When the little one arrives, what's going to matter is that things are done, not necessarily done the way I would have liked them to be done. It would be a very big mistake to make my husband feel like he's not doing things "the right way" when it comes to caring for our child. I'm going to have to super let that obsessive urge go.
In a little over a week, I'll be officially past the first trimester and we'll finally make our grand announcement to the world!
Friday, July 07, 2017
Gummies and Other Musings
I finished a bottle of prenatal vitamins that weren't my favorite. Horse pills with a nasty aftertaste. So, this time I decided to get those gummy vitamins. Besides, I had a coupon for them. I had flashbacks of the days my mom would give us those Flintstone vitamins that tasted like candy.
Boy, was I wrong. Those things are revolting. I much prefer the horse pills. But now I'm stuck with a giant bottle of ghastly tasting gummies and have to take two a day. Boooooo!
Saturday starts week 11 of the pregnancy. I'm nearing the end of the first trimester. My three apps compare the baby's size to different fruits: one says it's the size of a prune, the other two say it's the size of a kumquat. According to the little picture it shows of the fetus (it graduated from embryo status this week), it actually looks like a little human and less like a reptilian alien with a tail. I have another ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to seeing how much the little one has grown since the last time.
I'm really trying to get it together. I've been pretty sluggish and fatigued lately. I don't feel like doing anything, going anywhere or talking to anyone. I've been a little lazy hermit lately. But I have things to do...classes to plan for, articles to revise...ugh. Not to mention a move next week. It's not a major move, just 10 minutes across town, but moving is always such a hassle.
Sometimes I can't believe that this is who I am. Like, a married, pregnant professor. I look at my husband sometimes and think, how am I married? Like, there's a grown man I wake up next to every morning that I will supposedly wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life. How am I literally carrying a human being inside of my body? How am I a professor? I mean, I know how, but as I was scrambling eggs this morning, I was overcome with this sense of How did I get here? I was suddenly struck with the fact that we make choices and one thing leads to another and we end up in certain places. It's not a negative thing, but it's just the realization that there is no way I could have ever guessed that I'd be in this particular place at this particular time. I mean, if someone had told me back in 2010 when I was going through the worst time in my life working at the job from hell that in a few years I'd be married, in Kentucky with a PhD and a better job and a baby on the way, I couldn't have imagined it. A PhD? (I swore I'd never get one.) In Kentucky? (Why?) Married to a guy you had barely even heard of 8 months before you got engaged? (Who does that?) When I say I couldn't have imagined it, I don't mean that now I'm at some sort of a golden place that is the end all, be all, I mean I couldn't have imagined it because none of it would have made sense to me at the time.
It's hard to see my present soon becoming my past. It's hard to see because although I realize I have come a long way, I want more. I'm grateful for this place, but I don't want to stay in this place. It's hard to see that I've never stayed in a place, so why would this present be my indefinite present, when none of my "presents" ever have? I want a good job for my husband. I want a house with lots of room to grow. I want a garden. I want to travel internationally with my family. In time.
Boy, was I wrong. Those things are revolting. I much prefer the horse pills. But now I'm stuck with a giant bottle of ghastly tasting gummies and have to take two a day. Boooooo!
Saturday starts week 11 of the pregnancy. I'm nearing the end of the first trimester. My three apps compare the baby's size to different fruits: one says it's the size of a prune, the other two say it's the size of a kumquat. According to the little picture it shows of the fetus (it graduated from embryo status this week), it actually looks like a little human and less like a reptilian alien with a tail. I have another ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to seeing how much the little one has grown since the last time.
I'm really trying to get it together. I've been pretty sluggish and fatigued lately. I don't feel like doing anything, going anywhere or talking to anyone. I've been a little lazy hermit lately. But I have things to do...classes to plan for, articles to revise...ugh. Not to mention a move next week. It's not a major move, just 10 minutes across town, but moving is always such a hassle.
Sometimes I can't believe that this is who I am. Like, a married, pregnant professor. I look at my husband sometimes and think, how am I married? Like, there's a grown man I wake up next to every morning that I will supposedly wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life. How am I literally carrying a human being inside of my body? How am I a professor? I mean, I know how, but as I was scrambling eggs this morning, I was overcome with this sense of How did I get here? I was suddenly struck with the fact that we make choices and one thing leads to another and we end up in certain places. It's not a negative thing, but it's just the realization that there is no way I could have ever guessed that I'd be in this particular place at this particular time. I mean, if someone had told me back in 2010 when I was going through the worst time in my life working at the job from hell that in a few years I'd be married, in Kentucky with a PhD and a better job and a baby on the way, I couldn't have imagined it. A PhD? (I swore I'd never get one.) In Kentucky? (Why?) Married to a guy you had barely even heard of 8 months before you got engaged? (Who does that?) When I say I couldn't have imagined it, I don't mean that now I'm at some sort of a golden place that is the end all, be all, I mean I couldn't have imagined it because none of it would have made sense to me at the time.
It's hard to see my present soon becoming my past. It's hard to see because although I realize I have come a long way, I want more. I'm grateful for this place, but I don't want to stay in this place. It's hard to see that I've never stayed in a place, so why would this present be my indefinite present, when none of my "presents" ever have? I want a good job for my husband. I want a house with lots of room to grow. I want a garden. I want to travel internationally with my family. In time.
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