Exams. Summer.

Just because I don't have to take exams anymore doesn't mean I don't still have to grade them.

Sigh.  I'm in the middle one one now.  Latino Literature and Culture.  The sounds of exam taking silence.  The calm before the grading storm.

The next few days are going to be a grading marathon.  I'm giving one exam today, one exam Friday, and then we have to have everything graded so that we can leave early Saturday for a long road trip to visit the boyfriend's family.  I'm excited but also a little nervous.  (What if we get into an argument on the road?  What will his family think of me?  What if I feel awkward?  What if I mess up when we're singing and playing at his brother's church?)

I've got a lot happening, a lot on my plate, a lot of work to do, but a lot to be thankful for:

1. I found out that I won a $1000 departmental award.
2. I was notified that the organizers of a conference at which I presented a paper last month are interested in including it in an edited volume.  This is ridiculously fabulous news in a field where publishing something is just about necessary to get a job; however, I need to edit it and expand it in a serious way.  And that's going to take a lot of work.
3. I'm going to Boston the last two weeks in May to be my professor's research assistant at Harvard and hopefully be able to take advantage of the libraries, etc. to do some of my own research for my dissertation.
4. I'm teaching a Spanish summer course all June and July.
5. I'm teaching a GRE test prep course all July.  (I didn't really want to, but I could definitely use the money.)

In the midst of all of that there are going to be visits with friends and more family meetings...Mom and little bro is one thing, but Dad and middle bro is quite another.  At least in my mind.

Anyway, I'm not complaining.  And I can't worry.  God has helped me keep it together thus far.  I have to trust that He will continue to do the same.

Officially Unmotivated

So, I'm ABD.  All But Dissertation.  It's official.  I will get a letter in the mail very soon that confirms I'm a PhD candidate. Yup.  I handed all the paperwork in to the Graduate School today.

(Sigh.)  Now the real work begins.

I've already had a meeting with my adviser about dissertation chapters and outlines and deadlines.  I have serious work to do.  I also have papers to grade and will soon have a boatload of finals to grade.  Ugh.

I don't feel like doing anything.  Ever since my prospectus defense, my motivation to do anything worthwhile has plummeted to zero.  All I want to do is sleep, eat big breakfasts and Nutella-slathered everything, watch The Mentalist and read Adichie novels on my Kindle.  All I want to do is have picnics and play guitar with my guy.

This is the one time a year I get sick, and not really, it's just kind of a gross head cold where I'm sniffling and congested.  Nothing major.  I just hate not being able to breathe out of my nose when I'm trying to go to sleep.  It was so cute when the boyfriend presented me with an unsolicited box of nasal decongestant tablets.  Aww, how romantic.

I love pleasant surprises.  Like checking my email and finding that I won a $1000 scholarship.  I ain't complaining.

I just don't want to do anything.  All I want to do is nothing.

The age-old question: How did I get so far with such reluctance to get things done?

Navigation. Balance.

So, this week is a big week.

I defend my prospectus on Thursday.  (The boyfriend defends his Master's thesis on Friday.)  What that means is that after April 17, if all goes well, I will be a PhD Candidate.  I will be ABD.  What that means is that I'm done with all classes, all preliminary exams, all of everything except for writing the bane of every academic's existence: The dissertation.  The best dissertation is a finished dissertation, they tell me.  I'll keep that in mind.

After weeks having work work work hanging over me, after submitting my prospectus revision last week, things have sort of slowed down.  I know the real work is definitely in store, so I should enjoy this mini-breather while I can.  There's not too much I need to do to prepare for my defense...talk about the inspiration for my project, explain why I chose the texts I chose, mention my research questions...the rest is just discussion, according to my adviser.

Just as things are progressing with me in the program, things are progressing with the boyfriend.  We're starting to meet each others' families and we're starting to talk about our future together.  While this is all very exciting, it's also very bewildering.

This is still so new to me...just the idea of what it would mean.  What I mean is, not just what "a future" would mean, but how it would affect (and is affecting) my present relationships with my friends and family who have been around long before the boyfriend ever entered the picture.

It's just kind of unsettling, like, I'm walking on this unsteady terrain, and when I take a step, little waves ripple throughout it and I have to stand there for a minute to regain my balance.  But just when I think I've steadied myself and take another step, the waves start rippling again and I have to once again regain a sense of equilibrium.

It's hard to explain.  I'm so happy and so grateful for what God has done and for what He is continuing to do.  I trust Him.  But I also find myself getting overwhelmed and wrapped up in the sheer wonder of what it's like to love and be loved.  So much so that at times I've neglected others.  I find myself projecting so far into the future that I've invented unnecessary points of contention based on the purely hypothetical.

What I'm learning is that once one set of questions are answered, new ones inevitably arise.  I will never have a permanent answer.

I need to figure out how to navigate my other relationships in this new reality.  I need to learn how to better balance my time with the various time-consumers in the mix.

Submitted

So, I just sent in my prospectus to my adviser.

What do I do with myself?  My brain is laughing at me because it knows that I'm not really "done."  There are possible revisions, and there's the defense April 17.

There's something in me that won't let me just dive headlong into chill mode.  Not yet.

Besides, I'm leaving to go to a conference tomorrow.  I guess I should do things that people do before they go on trips.  Like clean up.  Like pack.  Like put copies of the chapter quiz and the class roll in the box of the colleague who's covering for me tomorrow.  Like, print out and revise my paper since the panel moderator has promised to "ruthlessly enforce" an 8-10 minute time limit to present.  Who does that?  All the conferences I've attended have had a 15-minute standard.  But whatever.  I just pray no one asks me any bewildering questions.  I have been bewildered by post-presentation questions in my day with devastatingly awkward repercussions.  It's all under the blood now. ThankyaJesus.

The boyfriend left yesterday to go to a conference as well.  I guess the Lord knew I needed two boyfriend-free days to give my undivided attention to finishing my prospectus.  Well, praise God.

A melange of things have transpired since I've last posted, the most significant of those being that I celebrated my Magic Johnson birthday this past Sunday.  And I must say, it was quite a delightful birthday.  My mom and little bro came up to visit, met the boyfriend, I bought myself the best cake ever and had an impromptu motley crew of friends over to help me eat it.  I was so happy.  I was so grateful.  I am so grateful.

God has been so good to me.  I've had a lot of work to do and I've been a little stressed, but I've also been basking in positivity and productivity.  I don't take it for granted.