"Preggo" is to Pregnant as "Hubby" is to Husband

I'm really into not being one of "those" women. And I guess pregnancy will be no exception.

Of course, I'm really excited, but there's a part of me that really fears being just another basic pregnant woman.

I finally experienced something when I had my first appointment that my friend had expressed to me a long time ago: The feeling of knowing you're just another patient to them.  In your mind, you've just made a life-changing discovery.  In their mind, this is routine.  I'm not saying anyone was rude to me or anything.  Everyone was super nice and attentive and informative, but it's this realization that you're nothing special to them.  You're just one of many.

So, on one hand I'm aware of the fact that being pregnant is nothing original, but on the other, it's original to me and I don't want to be one of many.  And that brings me back to the idea of not wanting to be one of "those" pregnant women.  Just like I didn't want to be one of "those" married women.

People who say "preggo" are the same kinds of people who say "hubby."  It's annoying, saccharine, cookie-cutter and trite.  And along with that are posts about your cravings and the emotional roller coaster you're on and belly pictures and ending everything with #preggo. Ugh.  That is not going to be me.

I was bummed when we couldn't see the baby with the ultrasound I had at my first appointment.  It's still really early and I was told that maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought.  When I go back in a few weeks, I was told we should definitely be able to see it.  It still feels pretty surreal, and maybe actually seeing it will make it more concrete to me.  But I swear, when we do get to see the little one, I am NOT putting an ultrasound picture on social media.  It just looks weird and ghosty and grainy and not even human.  Plus, like, I don't want the world to be able to see the inside of my uterus.  Ew.  Just like when people post pictures of their positive pregnancy tests...it's like, dude, you're plastering something you just peed on all over the internet.

But, I will admit that I am trying to think of a clever way to announce it once I get past my first trimester.  P and I have coffee mugs that say "Mr." and "Mrs." that we got as a wedding present, and I was thinking of taking a picture of the mugs alongside a sippy cup or a bottle or like a miniature-sized coffee mug with "January 2018" as the caption.  That would be cute, right?

Despite my aversion to being one of "those" pregnant women, I have to admit that I'm still a sucker for cuteness.

Telling People

Today our baby is the size of a chocolate chip and I'm on an avocado toast kick.

I've already told a few people...more than I probably should have at this point.  It's just that I'm so excited and I love seeing people's reactions when I do.

Anyway, of course, we'll wait until the 12-week mark to make any kinds of general announcements, but I wonder if we'll make any kind of announcement at all (at least via social media) because my husband is kind of averse to it.  He feels like it would make it less special and personal.  Having a baby is a very intimate thing, and plastering it all over social media invites way too many people in on it.  And to an extent, I agree.

But there's also a part of me that wants people to know, you know what I'm saying?  And I guess part of my reasoning may be a little petty, I'll admit that.

It's just that for so long, I felt like many people (particularly church people) had sort of written me off.  For a while, I was 30+, still in school (I can't tell you how much it annoyed me when people would say that. "You're still in school?"), and no man in sight.  Egads!  I felt like this anomaly people pitied.  And while I'll admit that I did struggle with loneliness at times, I can honestly say I never regretted my choices.  Ever.  Not once did I ever think that I should have married fresh out of undergrad, started piling buns in the oven and lived out the rest of my days in my hometown going to Golden Corral after church every Sunday.  Nah.  Even though the very idea of a woman "having it all" is super problematic (I mean, no one ever asks if it's possible for a man to "have it all"), there's a part of me that feels like getting married and now having a baby on the way is kinda like IN YO FACE.  I can have it all.  I can be in school "forever," travel the world, get a couple of advanced degrees, have a career doing what I enjoy, marry a great guy (while still in school, at that) and have a baby.  Howbow dah?

And (this is extra petty)...I will also admit that part of my desire to tell certain people is so that certain other people will find out.  And when I say certain other people, I'm talking about a right-before-I-met-my-husband person.  Is it wrong to feel like I've won?  I got married and had a baby before you, son!  I beat you.  I am victorious.  I am the winner.  I won.  I said it was extra petty.

It's also kind of cute to be in social situations where a few people know but others don't, and so you're giving each other conspiratorial smiles and winks.  We were at a party last night in honor of one of my colleagues passing her mid-probationary review.  Someone who knew came up to us and whispered, "Secret congratulations."  He's a goofy guy to begin with, but him telling us that was just extra goofy and cute, cuz you know, he was part of the "insider" group who knew.

But here's what I'm not looking forward to: The more people find out, the more people will feel invited to give unsolicited advice, pass unsolicited judgment, and regale me with unsolicited horror stories.  And I suspect that will make me want to schlap folks in the face.

I wonder: What causes people to act the most crazy, weddings or babies?

Tomato Seed

The weird thing about this blog is that either people who I'm really close to read it or people who I haven't actually met in real life read it.  I know my readership has probably plunged since I don't update it as often these days, but to be honest, I don't really know for sure who (still) reads it.

Anyway, it's weird because I've had this blog for so long...over ten years, since before I graduated from undergrad.  Now here I am, a few degrees, a few moves and a husband later, and it still functions as a creative outlet of sorts.  So, dear reader, if you're still here, whether you know me personally or not, you have been with me through a lot.  So, although I don't want to release this info to the general public yet, I don't feel like I'm releasing it to the general public by writing about it on my blog.

Yesterday was P's and my second anniversary.  And we got a special anniversary present.  Yes, it finally happened, after all of my (unnecessary) agonizing over it.  We're having a baby.

I downloaded a pregnancy app, you know, the ones that compare the size of the baby to various edible items.  And yesterday, it said that our baby was the size of a tomato seed.

It doesn't feel real.  It's something I've wanted for a while, and now that it's a reality, I don't know how to take it.  We're excited, for sure, but at the same time, it hasn't quite sunken in yet.  I pray that God will continue to lead us and guide us, as He always has.  I've always struggled with trusting Him in various areas of my life.  But bringing a new life into the world?  That's on a whole other plane.  I know that this experience will cause me to rely on Him like I never have before.

Sun Day

Come on and praise the Lord / While you have the chance

I woke up this morning bathed in sunlight.  It's getting lighter earlier.  I woke up wanting to take hold of this sunlit morning.  I got out of bed and showered in the natural light which filtered in through the blinds in the bathroom.  And then I made breakfast.  Four strips of crisp bacon (2 for him, 2 for me), scrambled eggs with cheese, two pieces of toast (1 for him, 1 for me). He made coffee. Why are you making breakfast?  Because I want to.  Don't you have to leave soon?  Yeah, but I have time.  I had time this morning.  I took time this morning.  I ate bacon and eggs and toast and sipped coffee and watched a happy, appreciative husband eat a rare weekday hot breakfast before his Tuesday/Thursday commute.  They're usually reserved for weekends.

I had to take time this morning.  I woke up wanting to take hold of this sun day.