I think this will be my last official "postpartum" post. Little boy will be 7 months old in 3 days. This week was the first week he's been going to daycare on a full-time schedule (9 to 4) and he's doing perfectly fine. Thankfully, the way our schedules are set up this semester, I teach MWF and P teaches Tues/Thurs, so every day of the week, one of us will be more flexible and be responsible for pick up and drop off. Although I officially head back to work in a little over a week, it feels like the semester has already started. Program retreat, Humanities workshops, faculty retreat, meetings, meetings and more meetings. During this time of reconnecting with colleagues I haven't seen all summer, in addition to the requisite questions about the baby and subsequent phone slideshow, the newest oft-asked question: Are you ready to come back?Let's unpack this a little.
Before academics launch into their nerdy screeds, the most important thing they start off with is defining their terms. What does "ready" mean? Ready as in, ready to "leave" my son? Ready as in looking forward to teaching, going to meetings, holding office hours, going to conferences and performing various and sundry tasks of "service"? Ready as in feeling capable of "balancing" career and motherhood (something men are NEVER expected to do concerning fatherhood)? What does "ready" mean, pray tell?
I know our son is going to be fine. We have a pretty perfect daycare situation. It's a small in-home daycare extremely close to our home and my job. Our provider is very attentive and she uses an app which updates parents on literally everything, including pictures of what the little one is doing throughout the day. I'm not worried about little boy and I'm not wracked with guilt for "leaving" him. I know that he's getting a lot of attention and is being well-cared for.
What I do question is myself. I come back to the same question I revisit from time to time, and that is, Am I cut out for this? Perhaps, in the academic tradition, I should define "this" before proceeding. For me, "this" is being a professor and doing what it takes to be a successful one. When I reflect on where I am now, I always come to the conclusion that I stumbled into academia. I went down roads I didn't anticipate going down and just kept going. I don't mean to say that life taking unexpected turns is negative. Overall, in my case, it's been pretty amazing. All I'm saying is that I can't shake the feeling that I somehow ended up here not due to my own volition or effort. Even though I rationally know that's patently false.
Somehow things happen and turn out fine. Somehow, I ended up in a PhD program. Somehow, I met P and got married in the middle of it. Somehow, I finished writing my dissertation. Somehow, I got a job. Somehow, even though I didn't initially get the job I applied for, I ended up with a tenure-track position. Somehow, the timing was such that I was able to spend the most time possible at home with our son. I know the "somehow" is God's grace and I'm grateful for it. I just have to somehow not just reflect on the grace of the past but believe He will provide the same grace for the present.
