The Riddles of God

I'm planning on going to mass where my priest classmate, um, pastors (?) this Saturday. He gave me a business card with the church address on it and on the back is a G.K. Chesterton quotation that says, "The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man."

Part of me agrees with it, the rational part of me. But the emotional part of me finds it a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes the riddles of God are so frustrating, and it seems that the solutions of man make life easier to handle.

But on the other hand, I've seen many a solution of man sickeningly unravel right before my eyes. In the end, the solutions of man are never enough. They're fig leaves.

Right now, as Paul says, we only know in part. But then I shall know even as I am known. (I Corinthians 13:12). Does God owe us an explanation? Even if He gave one, would we be able to grasp it with a finite mind? I want to get to the point where I can take comfort in the riddles of God simply because they're of God.

More Serious, Introspective Reflections

It's Saturday. What I have to look forward to today, apart from having slept in, (which, I must admit, was glorious after this seemingly tiring past week) is having to read the rest of a 19th century Spanish novel (in Spanish) before Monday, and volunteering at the egg relay race booth at my church's fall festival.

Wild, raucous fun.

Anyway, I'm still reflecting over my experience in St. Louis last weekend. (For a more fun recap, click here. For pictures, click here and here.) One of the themes, I felt, of the Forum was the idea of pursuing God's will and fulfilling His purpose using our God-given talents and passions, albeit in possibly unconventional, mold-bursting, box-defying ways. I am completely down with that. That idea fits perfectly into the grooves of my brain. But here is my quandary: There are gifts and talents that God has given me. There are things that I am passionate about. But the gifts/talents/passion has yet to collide with a solid standing, defined purpose. It's sort of like God has given me a toolbox full of what I need to get the job done, but I'm left wondering, What is the job I was cut out to do? Where do I go to get it done? After a while, the toolbox gets heavy from just standing there holding it and aimlessly looking around in an attempt to figure out where I'm supposed to go with it, so what have I done? It feels like I've sat down, opened up the box and blankly stared at the tools. Well, maybe I've taken them out and polished them a little. Perhaps I've even used a tool here or there to tinker with a few things. But I haven't hit my stride yet. I haven't found that niche. I haven't had that moment of realization where I know that I know that I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I was destined to do.

Maybe that idea is romantic (philosophically, not chocolate candy) and unrealistic. Maybe I'm supposed to pull myself up by the bootstraps or whatever and stop allowing my eyes to glaze over from looking up and trying to wrap my mind around the infinite number of the stars. I'm trying not to allow my view to become tinted by my surroundings. But it's hard to focus on clear, golden, sky blue, warm yellow, when all I can see is red, entrenched, ingrained, I-was-raised-this-way, earth.

I'm uncomfortable being temporary, transitory: The lease is up in a year. You'll move. A year later, then what? But I'm afraid of permanence, now: Establish roots in this red earth? What is it like to establish roots? I thought I was close to having some, after nearly thirteen years of one place, but as soon as a word exits my mouth, Where are you from? You don't sound like you're from here. I'm not . . . technically. Amount of time doesn't create roots. You have to be born with them, I think.

I believe I got some semblance of an answer to these questions from reading this brief, excellently written New York Times article that pegs me (and my generation, at least, my age bracket) squarely on the head--"The Odyssey Years."

Even if I don't have answers (I've gotten used to it), at least I can find flashes of recognition, connection, resonance. I am never alone.

IQF 2007 Pics: Part I

IQF 2007: Part II

Sniffs of the Sentimental

I had to suck it up today when my first group of 2nd graders walked in this morning.

There is a little girl in the class from Korea. She speaks very little English and is very shy, but always has a beautiful snaggletoothed smile replete with pigtails. Today she and another extremely shy frecklefaced girl who rarely ever speaks in class walked in holding hands.

I don't know why that scene brought me to tears. Maybe I was glad that the Korean girl has begun to fit in? Maybe I was glad that the frecklefaced girl overcame a bit of her shyness to make a new friend? Children are so innocent. They are so untouched by fear and prejudice. Their love is unreserved and pure.

Post-IQ Forum 2007 Musings

I'm going to write serious, introspective reflections on IQ Forum 2007 and my time in St. Louis later. But for now . . .

Top Ten Observations, Conclusions, Jumbled Ramblings, etc., in No Order of Importance

1. There are many things one has to do in order to get a conference UPCI approved. Naming a roundtable discussion session "The Naked Pentecostal" is not one of them.

2. There is NOTHING wrong with me. (I just happen to be a 20something single girl. Sheesh.)

3. Having a "kegerator" in a Christian home is acceptable only if filled with lemonade.

4. Ted Drewes custard is a St. Louis legend.

5. There are people other than me who are heartily amused by putting bunny ears on others while taking pictures. (I really thought I was the only one left.)

6. Taking pictures through the open doors of as well as through the sunroof of a moving vehicle while riding around downtown St. Louis should be considered an authentically Pentecostal recreational sport.

7. How a 45 min - 1 hour wait for a table became no wait at all: "Ye have not because ye ask not."

8. It's important to do "research" on dating sites in order to intelligently reference them while on a discussion panel about being single.

9. Pennsylvania Dutch sounds an awful lot like German.

10. Trying to eat a cheesy gas station-bought hot dog with one hand while driving is not a good idea.

Click here to check out my reflections from last year.

Oh, and for the record, I LOVED the roundtable discussion on blogging (the one titled "The Naked Pentecostal: Is Nothing Sacred on the Web?"). If someone reading this happened to be the leader of that discussion, don't listen to what anybody else says. Believe me.

A Few Updates

Well, well, well. I've got a chunk of free time here at work. (A rarity.) Here are a few updates:

1. Padre forgot to bring the PB&J sandwiches to class last night. As soon as he stepped into the classroom (I was already there), he looked at me and said, "I really need to apologize . . . " Like, he was hard core, like he was about to make some kind of horrendous confession. I got all alarmed, probably contorted my face, and was like, "For what??" and he looked down and said, "I forgot to bring the PB&J sandwiches." lol. He really did feel badly about it. He said he had his secretary make them but he left them on his desk. Awww . . . I told him not to worry about it. It's the thought that counts, right? Also, I'm pondering going to one of his masses on a Saturday evening I have free. Having traveled to Italy, France, Spain and Germany, I've seen plenty of churches and cathedrals and basilicas and all of that, but I've never actually been in a Catholic mass. I just want to see what it's like.

2. Okay, in a previous post I talked about how I was all nervous about some guy calling. Now usually, when I'm nervous, I tend to be un-wordy. But for some reason, it's hard for me to shut up when I'm talking to this dude! I never thought of myself as a conversation dominator, but I wonder if I have some conversation dominant genes that have lain dormant that have been activated from talking to this guy. I feel kind of bad because I have enjoyed our conversations so far, but I always end with the sense that I've talked too much. ::sigh::

3. I am pumped about going to St. Louis this weekend. The downside? I'm driving. Ay, caramba. I've made the drive before, so I'm not like, scared I'll get lost or whatever, but it's just soooo looong. It's just the most cost-effective and convenient way to get around for now, though. (A plane ticket would cost more than gas both ways, and if I flew in I would have to rely on other people to get around unless I rented a car, which would cost even more . . . ) But I'm still excited. It'll be an adventure. (Cue Rascal Flatt's "Life is a Highway.")

Life's like a road that you travel on / there's one day here and the next day gone . . .

Awww . . .

Remember when I talked about making PB&J for Padre?

Well, see, he was absent last class and I emailed him telling him I missed him in class and I hoped all was well. He wrote back asking what he'd missed and I tried to fill him in on what we talked about as best as I could. Then, the other day, he wrote telling me thank you and that he would bring the PB&J sandwiches next class.

Awww . . .

(No "Thorn Birds" references, please. lol)

When is He Going to Call?

The feeling: Nervousness. Why? You know he's going to call, you just don't know when. (Well, he has, but you've missed him.) It's like a jack-in-the-box. You know that if you keep turning the crank, the little guy is going to pop out, but it's still a surprise when he does.

The thoughts: Will you calm the heck down? It's not that I have any expectations of anything. We're just friends. But you still need to chill. And will you stop shaking your leg? Geez. I shake my leg when I get nervous. I can't help it.

The solution: Wait and see. Don't worry about it. Be yourself.

Dear Profile Stalker

I didn't want to join Everyone's Connected (EC). I was cajoled into it. But now that I'm there, I'm there, and I can't say that I'm unhappy that I am. In fact, I've connected with some cool people as a result. But the way that EC is set up allows for profile stalkers. You know what I'm talking about. People who create a fake (read: anonymous) profile so that they can peruse others' profiles without being detected (read: indicted) through the "people who have viewed your profile" history.

Now, I allow anonymous comments on my blog because sometimes people are afraid to attach their names to their opinions for fear of blacklash. I want people to feel free to speak their minds (in a non-vulgar manner, hence comment moderation) and to be honest on my blog without fear of reprisal. But profile stalker anonymity is more insidious. If you don't want me to know that you've been viewing my profile, you probably have no business viewing it.

In short, a certain fake profile has shown up about 3 or 4 times in my EC history. It was starting to kind of creep me out. So, I got smart and paid a few bucks to become a member with more accessibility features so that I could let this person know that I know he's stalking. My email was as follows:

Dear Profile Stalker,

I have an inkling as to who you might possibly be, but of course I could be entirely and completely wrong. I prefer to err on the side of caution and not assume.

Nevertheless, why do you persist in doing this? If you would like to get to know me and/or keep up with how I'm doing, why do you prefer to do so in an undercover manner? If you know me (and I'm not entirely sure that you do), you know that I wouldn't freak out if you were to drop me and email and say "Hey, this is such and such, my life is yadda yadda yadda, how's yours?" It would be completely harmless, no strings attached, no assumption of anything other than friendly concern. But this anonymous lurking thing, I can't handle, and it kind of creeps me out.

So, if you would be so kind as to a.) Be upfront with your identity or b.) Stop lurking, I would appreciate it.

Cheers,

Chantell

Accentuating the Positive

Why is it so durn hard to be positive? I rebuke all negative vibes that are trying to assault me. I hereby douse all negative vibes with this YouTube video:



Better yet, I'm going to do this:

Things for Me to Be Happy About (in No Particular Order)
1. My health. I have no chronic conditions, I'm on no medication, I have 20/20 vision, I'm 100% fine.

2. My job. My job is so great. I get hordes of days off, I get the whole summer off and still get paid, I have fun, it's very low-stress, I work with very supportive people, and I love it.

3. My family. I have two awesome, loving parents who are still married to one another, I have two brothers who are cool and stick up for me.

4. My finances. I have good credit, I have enough money to live in a nice apartment and meet all of my needs with a tiny bit left over to placate a few wants.

5. My education. I thank God that I was able to go to a good school, graduate with a degree with which I was able to get a decent job, and to learn a foreign language. I'm also thankful that I now have the opportunity to continue my education even further.

6. My car. I have a decent, working car. That's a big deal to me because there was a time when I had a car that had problems.

7. Trips I have to look forward to. I'm going to STL later on this month, and this coming summer, I'm going back to Spain.

8. My church. I have a lot of great people to worship with, people who love and care about and support me just like a family.

9. My friends. Of the few that I have, they're really cool, loving, loyal, and supportive.

10. My bed. I have a really comfortable bed.

11. My teapot. I know this is weird, but my red teapot is somehow . . . comforting.

12. Sunflowers. I was given a bouquet of flowers with sunflowers in them which is now sitting on my coffee table. They're just so pretty and positive.

13. My self-esteem. I'm so glad that I don't struggle with this like I used to. It's so relieving to be able to say that I'm not a bad-looking girl and that I have a lot to offer.

14. My bookcase. I'm so glad that I have a built-in bookcase to house my random book collection.

15. My hair. I'm glad that my hair is a nice length, that it usually does what I want it to do, and that it has a nice natural reddish tint to it that some suspect are highlights but I assure them that it's the real deal.

Gee, I feel better.

IQ Forum 2007 and My Sub

I'm making plans to attend IQ Forum in St. Louis, as I have every year since its inception in 2005. This year it'll be October 19-20. If anyone reading this has the freedom to take off of work to go, I highly recommend it. It touts itself as "The un-Conference," because it is completely unlike your typical (preaching) conference: spearheaded by the latest flavor for a spell (Bro. BigName), replete with flouncing big hair and solar plexus-length ties. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself each time, one of the reasons being it is interactive rather than didactic.

Anyway.

I'm going to need a sub for the Friday I'll be out. Guess who my sub is going to be? The guy in my class. Yes, Gimc himself. It was funny because the first time I met him was when he was my sub for--surprise--IQ Forum last year. He called today and asked what I was going to be doing October 19. Huh? How'd he--but then he laughed and revealed that the school had called him to ask if he'd sub for the elementary and middle school Spanish teacher (moi) that day. lol. So then I had to hip him to the Forum.

Just had to share that cute little coincidence.

PB&J and the Priest

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have sentimental value in my life. I grew up eating them, and every once in a while I'll get on a PB&J kick and just eat them all the time.

I have a late Monday class, as I've mentioned before, and sometimes, if I have time, I'll throw some snacks into my little teacherly lunch bag to take with me so I don't starve during class. While making myself a PB&J to take along, I thought of Padre (the priest in my class) and made him one too. He always lightheartedly jokes about his weight while eating candy bars and stuff during our breaks. So, I thought I would give him a somewhat healthier alternative.

When I saw him before going up the elevator he said he was going to grab a candy bar and a drink, did I want anything? I said, "Wait! I was going to ask if you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." He told me that he loved them. "Well, I made you one, so you don't have to get a candy bar if you don't want to." He was all smiling and grateful. Later on he ate it and said I was a good cook. lol.

I'm weird, I know, but there is something in me that wants to take care of the priest. I know he's a grown man and can eat whatever he wants to, but there's something about him that makes me want to nurture him, to try to give him good things to eat and to care about him. Even though he's a priest, he's human, too. He has dedicated his life to helping and caring for other people, but he needs someone to care about him, too.

The Guy in My Class, Part III

Here are Parts I and II for your convenience.

There is a paradox in guys' dealings with girls. Guys, listen up. If you are super intense, your chances are usually shot. If you are calm and make the girl feel like you're not trying to get with her, then your chances go up. It's counterintuitive, I know. It seems like if you lay compliments on thick, show her your wittiness by a series of cunning emails and texts, and shower her with flowers and attention and implications that "she might be the one" that you're sure to get some kind of positive response. That only works if the girl is 100% into you from the get go. But if you're cool, talk about intellectual/spiritual/engaging stuff without even dipping into relationship talk, and behave totally friendly and platonic and like you're not trying to size her up for the kill, you're a lot better off.

I had another coffee outing with the guy in my class (Gimc) today. Yes, outing. I will not call it a date, because it wasn't one. When I walked into Starbucks (I purposely got there early so I could go ahead and get my drink so that he would not attempt to pay for it), I found that the guy behind the counter spoke Spanish. He was taking classes at a local college and I mentioned that I had started the Spanish Master's program at Auburn. He then asked if I knew Gimc! Apparently, they knew each other when Gimc transferred to that local college to play soccer. I guess he'd heard that Gimc had started grad school at Auburn. I gasped. I then informed the guy at the counter that not only did I know him, but that I was meeting him in a matter of minutes. Weird! In a matter of minutes, Gimc walked in.

Gimc is really cool. I'm glad that he's not tall and mind-blowingly fine. If he were, I'd probably have trouble seeing him as the cool friend I see him as now. Being infatuated is fun, but it's also emotionally draining and time consuming. And I could really stand to do without that type of involvement. It is so refreshing to have the kind of conversation I had with Gimc. I mean, we talked about intellectual/spiritual stuff that really made me feel like God had our paths cross for a reason. And I don't mean so that he'd end up being Mr. Wonderful. I mean so that he'd realize the importance of maintaining a consistent relationship with God. I didn't tell him, "Gimc, you should go to church." I didn't even imply it, because going to church is not in and of itself the solution. But HE ended up saying, " I know I need to get my relationship with God back on track." HE ended up saying that he wanted to come to church with me when he was free.

Gimc has never said any outrightly flirtatious/complimentary (appearance-wise) things to me. He doesn't make it seem like he's trying to get with me. Like he's trying to inch towards "seriousness." He really makes me feel like he appreciates my insights instead of simply my looks and "qualifications." This is good.

I have a bad habit of mentally categorizing guys into "potential" and "non-potential," regardless of how well I know them, and that's a pretty narrowminded way to look at relationships. I'm working on breaking that habit. I'm not going to allow my mind to put Gimc into either of those categories because I know those categories are irrelevant in a friendship.

One of the things I have prayed is that God would allow me to expand my circle of friends where I am. Most of my friends are far away, in other states. There aren't many people I click with and hang out with here. I think Gimc is just a small answer to that prayer.