Why I Plan to Barack the Vote

I've already caught some flack from my dear old dad because I jokingly said that he looked like Barack Obama in the suit he was wearing tonight and I offhandedly mentioned that I planned on voting for him. Oh, why? I love my dad to bits, but trying to explain to him that it is possible to vote Democratically while not supporting abortion or being a gay rights activist is futile. Explaining is all I wish to do, and isn't a blog a lovely way to do that? It'll be a little lengthy, but hang with me.

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from a friend of mine who was checking out Obama because of dissatisfaction with McCain:

I've been following the Primaries, and this is the first presidential election that I've really paid attention to.

I've been rooting for Mike Huckabee on the Republican side, but it looks like McCain will probably ride into victory the next few weeks. That's caused me to look a lot closer at the Democratic side.

Although I don't agree with the moral or economical points of view of either of the Democratic candidates, I'm interested in their ideas because one of them will probably be leading the country by this time next year.

I've been reading a lot of articles about Obama, and the people who are attracted to his campaign, and am leading towards his direction. I would be more accepting of his election than Hillary Clinton's simply because a Bush or a Clinton has been in the White House since 1989. That's entirely too long! :)

But from a demographic standpoint, you fit into most of the categories that seem to be the most supportive of Obama's campaign. You're young (college student), black, and female. What is your opinion (as a young, black female) of Barack Obama? What is your opinion of him as a Christian, young, black female?

I'm really trying to analyze this whole process from every different angle. You're one of the most sensible, knowledgeable, and open-minded Christians that I know, so I figured I could gain a lot from your opinion.

Thanks.

My response:

First of all, thank you for saying that I'm one of the most "sensible, knowledgeable and open-minded Christians" that you know. That was such a sweet compliment!

But let me make a few statements before I get to answering your questions. This too, is the first presidential race I've paid really close attention to.

Of course, I voted in 2000 and in 2004, but this is the first one I've followed closely from the primary stage. I don't admit this to many people, but thus far. I've voted Democratically. Of course, as a Christian, I do not agree completely with the Democratic platform on moral issues, but they've never been "dealbreakers" for me. Whether a Rep or a Dem is in office, Roe v. Wade will never be overturned, and gay marriage is and probably always will be left up to the states. I think both parties' stances on these issues are more for grandstanding purposes than actual intended policy change.

[And I must insert here, seriously, Republicans were in control of the White House and Congress for eons. But nothing was passed to actually put into effect anything that radically altered the status quo as far as abortion/gay marriage is concerned, or rather, that backed up the "moral stances" they take. Those issues, and I should include immigration as well, are issues that politicians use as pawns to get votes. And boy has it worked.]

At the beginning of this race, I was very disheartened. No one on either side really excited me. When Hillary was the Dem frontrunner, I kind of nixed voting for her--I'm not keen on the continuation of the Clinton dynasty either, and though I didn't mind Huckabee, I didn't see him as appealing to independent voters as McCain, and at the time, his campaign was declared dead. I almost considered not voting. At that time, I saw Obama's emergence as idealism to the max. Come on, a young, inexperienced black man? With the machine backing her, Clinton's going to blow this skinny little dude out of the water.

But once Obama started gaining a bit more attention, I paid closer attention to him. And when I heard him speak for the first time, I got goosebumps. He speaks with such conviction. And I really like it that he doesn't employ Jesse Jackson/Al Sharpton-esque rhetoric. My God, am I glad for that. I'm tired of people thinking those two are the spokespeople of all living black people. Anyway, I started having a change of heart. Obama (as well as everybody else now) is the poster child for "change." And the reason I believe him is because he gives me the impression that he is genuinely for bipartisanship. He gives me the impression that when/if he takes office, he is going to make an effort to reach out to Republicans by including them in important administrative positions--no more of this Clinton-style you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours mess.

And though I will admit being a teeny bit swayed by his charisma and presence, I don't feel that that is all he has going for him. From what I've read and heard, his policies have substance and specificity--he's not just running on charisma fumes. And I feel that because of his upbringing and experience, he has the perfect mix of diversity that makes Americans of all races and walks of life identify with him. And right now, the world hates us. Seriously, people abroad have such a low view of Americans--primarily because of our heavy handed, isolationist foreign policy, and I think Obama has what it takes and is willing to change that view.

Once he won Iowa, I, for the first time, felt that he actually had a chance. I felt hope. I changed from being disheartened about the presidential race to being excited about it. And I've been rooting for him ever since. And the thing is, not only do I think he can win, I think there's a big fat chance that he will! Look, McCain has the Rep nomination in the bag. (I did like Huckabee though.) Although McCain has appeal among independents, his base is not exactly rallying behind him. Obama has a good amount of base support, and he also has very wide independent appeal. In fact, there are even a lot of Reps (maybe not in significant numbers . . . I'm not sure) I've heard and read about and even know personally who are for him. The same can most definitely NOT be said about Clinton. There are Dems who would rather vote for McCain than for her if she won the Dem nomination. She is such a divisive figure . . . that's just the fact of the matter.

So in sum, this is what Obama has going for him (not in order of importance):
1-Charisma and motivating/rallying power
2-Concrete, specific, fresh policy ideas
3-Willingness to commit to genuine bipartisanship
4-Widespread/unifying appeal to Americans from diverse backgrounds
5-Willingness to truly effect change in the way American politics are run and in our reputation abroad.

Whew! I know that was a lot, but let it soak in for a minute. Though my friend was right that I do fit into the typical demographic of an Obama supporter, the amazing thing is that Obama has since shown that he garners support from a multiplicity of demographics. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it later, but now I'm interested in the kinds of comments I may get from having posted this!

What's Ahead, and Some Things I Hadn't Considered . . .

What's ahead
In my next to last post, Sis. Jewel left a comment asking about what was going on with this talk of moving, etc. and I'm just now getting around to kind of summing up what God is doing, and some changes that are coming up soon.

"Change" has been quite the catchword lately, hasn't it? I might as well jump on the bandwagon. Oh, and by the way, I'm really excited about Barack Obama, and plan to vote for him if/when he wins the nomination. (I don't normally get political here, but anyway, that'll be for another post.)

If you remember way back in the day, well, last year around this time, in fact, I was nervously awaiting news to see if I had gotten in to a certain university. Well, I didn't get in. Once I came to my senses and realized where God was leading me all along, I applied to Auburn University. Things flew in to place. In the end, after taking classes this past Summer, this past Fall, and this Spring, I've been offered an assistantship for next Fall. (I'm still waiting on the official award letter before I spread the news at my place of employment.)

I won't be able to teach as an assistant/attend school at Auburn while holding down my current position in Montgomery, so I plan to resign and move to Auburn. By doing the school thing full time, I should be able to have my Master's degree by Spring or Summer of '09—so basically, in one more year, which isn't bad at all. (And a year goes by really fast. But don't ask me what I'm going to do after that because I honestly have no idea.) So, I've had to secure an apartment and everything now, because it's a college town and one bedrooms go fast. I may not have been able to get one if I had waited. Anyway, I'm also looking forward to going to Spain this summer to rack up some more credits before then—this is not just for fun though, I've got to do this so that I'll have enough hours to teach in the program and so that I won't be pulling my hair out while trying to write a thesis in the Spring. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

So, yeah, though I'm looking forward to what's ahead, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm still working to overcome my fear of the unknown.

Some things I hadn't considered
I think I've mentioned before that I keep a personal journal. I've kept one consistently since I was 12. Every once in a blue moon, I read over some of what I've written and it's cool (sometimes painful) to look back and see how I've grown and changed, to realize the lessons I've learned. And sometimes, perhaps rarely, something will make sense. As in, I'll look back at what I wrote then, and realize now why I experienced what I did. I'll see that I had a question then that I have the answer to now. I may have even had a wish then and the realization of its having (possibly) been fulfilled only dawn on me now. Tonight was one of those once in a blue moon times. I went to Starbucks, resolved that I would eventually get to Spanish Civilization, but got caught up in re-reading my most current journal that I'd brought along just in case I wanted to take a break and write.

I'll just say that I saw something that I didn't see before. I realized something that my mind had completely glossed over. And while part of me feels a little encouraged, maybe even pleasantly surprised by the realization, the other part of me feels silly and reluctant to take the "realization" seriously. I've been guilty in the past of turning pure happenstance into "realizations" to mean what I wanted them to mean. And I don't want to do that now. It's truly a waste of precious mental energy. In theory, I'm very frugal about expenditures of mental energy, but in practice . . . well, I suppose I can't be the only one who deals with theory/practice tension. C'est la vie. Oh, and that reminds me, I'm going to make another effort to learn French. I bought a language course back in the day and never made it past the alphabet. This time, it's for real. Oui, oui.

This Made Me Cry with Laughter

As I've stated many times before, one of the reasons being a teacher is so cool is that we get lots of paid days off. Yesterday and today have been noted as "President's Day Break." So instead of singing "Hola, Amigo" with my elementary kids and fussing at my middle schoolers in rapid Spanish (much to their entertainment), I'm starting my day by sleeping in and reading articles on one of my favorite webzines, Slate.

It's a bit liberal for many palates, I know, but I like it because they cover a lot of interesting, eclectic, current issues and have informative, if not entertaining, articles on the presidential candidates and their campaigns, even if I don't agree with all the magazine's left-leaning tendencies. They also have an advice column called "Dear Prudence." It is hilarious. I guess I'm kind of easily amused, but this one, I just HAVE to share. It is so terrible and funny, I couldn't even contain myself. It brought me to tears—from laughing so hard, yet part of me felt pity:

Dear Prudence,

My live-in boyfriend and I have been together for more than four years. We are both in our late 20s, very much in love, best friends, and have an amazing time together—so much so that even grocery shopping is hilarious. We share the same goals and interests, and have challenging, engaging conversations. However, he doesn't bathe on a regular basis. And by that, I mean, he bathes every three weeks to once a month. I've tried to talk with him about his poor personal hygiene, but have made little headway. I've been blunt and angry, encouraging and sensitive, but, lately, I've mostly given up. On his side of the bed, our headboard and sheets have become stained with his body oils (imagine a used bag of french fries). I don't want to leave him, but I'm tired of it. I don't want to live with a dirty person for the rest of my life, and I don't want my kids growing up unbathed because their daddy refuses to. Could this be a personal-growth issue? What can I do?

—I Know I'm Not Perfect, Either

Dear Not Perfect,

I don't know if it's a personal-growth issue, but I'm loath to imagine what kind of personal growths are on the body of a monthly bather. What do you laugh at in the grocery store? He points to the soaps and shampoos and says, "Some idiots actually use those!" Sure, you may not be perfect, but if you bathe more often than Queen Elizabeth I, you should feel pretty good about yourself in your household. The image of your boyfriend's side of the bed looking like a used french fry bag is vivid and repulsive. I have tried to bar from my mind the thought of what the sensory assault must be like when Mr. Greasy attempts to join you on your side of the bed. Perhaps he suffers from the wonderfully named ablutophobia, fear of bathing. If so, this article gives information on phobias and anxiety disorders and possible paths to treatment. Print it out, and tell him you think this might be his problem, and that there is help for it. If he refuses to consider it, I don't know how you can consider getting close enough to him to contemplate having kids.

—Prudie

Find the original article here. I mean, that is so terrible! "A used bag of french fries" was just too much. God, in all your infinite wisdom and power, do not let me EVER in my living LIFE get that desperate. Ever.

New Apartment

I went up to Auburn and signed a lease on a new apartment to move into in August.

The downside of apartment living is that you have to pay so much up front. And even worse, I'm going to have to pay my last rent payment where I'm currently living to finish out the lease at the same time as I have to pay the first month's rent for where I plan to move. Argh! Oh, well, God's brought me this far, there's no reason to believe He won't help me the rest of the way.

I was in tears before I left because more than anything, I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what I'm doing, and not knowing what to expect. It's something I really have to get over in order to live the rest of my life without going insane, I know. Life is a big, fat rolling ball of uncertainty; I might as well get used to it. But God is so wonderful. I was able to find something that meets my needs and (hopefully) suits my budget. I can't complain.

Today I Learned . . .

I'm trying to watch one of these boring classes that I'm behind on. (sigh). What is it going to profit me to know the innerworkings of Spain's Modern Age? Anyway, here's something else I'm learning:

Once feelings have been revealed, a relationship cannot be platonic.

That's just the fact of the matter. You can call yourselves whatever you want in title. Are we "just friends"? Are we "more than friends"? Are we "in a relationship"? It doesn't matter. Once it's out there that emotions are somehow involved, that's it. There's no going back to safe, ambiguous territory.

Does that mean that the only option from here on out is total shut-down? Communicatory cut-off? No. But you still can't go back. You can't rewind time. Pretend that an attempt to define the ambiguous never happened. So what's a gal to do from here on out?

She has to make a new friend. His name is Arm's Length. Arm's Length has got to be her friend unless something fundamentally changes. Otherwise she'll just be fooling herself that things can automatically go back to the way they were. People are human beings, not automatons, no matter what rhetoric and logic do to persuade otherwise. And if she allows herself to be self-deluded, she'll only be doing herself a disservice in the end.

Love Bug, Family and Friends

This morning I was happy because:

1. I got a call from my brotha from anotha motha telling me Happy Valentine's Day. Kev is so sweet.

2. I got one of those huge Hershey's Kisses from a student. I ate like 2/3rds of that sucker in one sitting . . . nothing but solid milk chocolate. Oh, yes.

3. I got compliments on my red dress and one of my 5-year-olds told me that I looked beautiful. That just made my day.

Later on I was happy because:

1. I was able to find one of those Valentine's Day headband/heart antennae things. I was finally able to take on the identity of Love Bug.

2. As Love Bug, I was able to spread the love by dropping flowers, candy and a stuffed animal off at a friend's job, giving little plants to a couple of single moms that I know, and giving my aunt a heart shaped box of her favorite Ghirardelli chocolates.

3. I ate a nice dinner at my parents' house with my ridiculous brothers. They really are crazy.

Here's some pics to enjoy. Hope your Valentine's Day was happy!

Valentine's Day Eve

Breathe easy. This is not going to be a rant on how overrated Valentine's Day is.

I am going to be for real, though. I have no great expectations for tomorrow. I'm no Pip. lol.

Look, I've had nice Valentine's Days in the past. In 2006 I got a dozen roses, a box of chocolates and a balloon delivered to my job by a mystery man. In 2007 I got more toned-down gift of a single rose and a box of chocolates and was treated to a fabulous dinner. Even though things didn't work out, I'm still grateful that someone cared enough to want to make me feel special. I know that, based on the way things turned out, I may not have seemed that appreciative, but I really was. I don't take people's regard for me lightly. I don't take people's acts of kindness and affection for granted.

However, based on my track record, I realize that I have not made myself an attractive candidate for anyone to take a chance on. I'm woman enough to own up to it. I know that I have a tendency to throw myself into a position to be given up on. I don't blame a brother for wanting to preserve some time, money and pride.

I always run into the same problem: The people I would love to get attention from don't go there, and the people I'd rather not try to go there often end up doing so. Like I said, I don't blame anyone but myself for my disappointing odds. So, though I'm honestly not expecting a dazzling day tomorrow,
::cough::itwouldstillbeniceifIdid::cough::

I do plan to get into the spirit and be a little love bug who gives treats to other deserving people, though. I dunno, I guess I'm more of an if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em kinda gal than a die-hard boycotter.

I am thankful

for a mother who is a friend (sometimes people mistake us for sisters), who is encouraging and who is very compassionate. I am thankful for a father who is supportive, makes me feel special and who wants me to be happy. I am thankful for a wise and insightful pastor.

I don't want to take these things for granted. There are many people who don't have good relationships with their parents and/or whose parents aren't even in the picture. There are many people who don't have a church home where they feel loved and that is headed by a leader who is genuine. I don't want to take these things for granted at all.

I feel so much better about the whole Guy 2 thing. I've gotten clarity, counsel, and confirmation . . . things don't seem so bleak anymore. And I am so glad, because when things seem bleak, it's hard to function. When things seem bleak, it's like I'm stuck in a vat of molasses, lethargically trying to right myself and pull myself out. Foggy gray clouds attach themselves to my back, and it's hard to see past the mist.

But now, even though nothing has changed as far as Guy 2 is concerned, everything really is okay.

Argh! Life Isn't Fair.

Guy 2 is a complete no-go.

I hate to break things down in such final, hopeless terms, but I must. I have to face reality and let it soak in really, really good.

In the end, I'm fine, he's fine, we're still friends, but also in the end, he can feel encouraged from having gotten to know me and be in admiration of my . . . godly dedication or whatever and go on with life, but I can be left feeling vulnerable and wondering why I ever allowed myself to hope.

Here's something else: I can "argh" all I want to, but it doesn't change the fact that life isn't fair. It's just not. There is positively no way around it. I can blubberingly pour my heart out to God every living day, but He is never going to make life un-unfair because I want it to be.

I'm at a point in my life where I have been characterized by many people as the good, nice girl who has it together, whom people flock to and children adore, who's going to do great big fat wonderful things for God, who is principled and is a "rarity," and who is going to "make someone happy." And while it's all swell to be that girl, while I don't necessarily wish to not be that girl, it gets tough being that girl. When you're a so-called rarity, that means that there aren't a myriad of people out there who have the slightest idea what it's like to be you, who can "get" you in a way where you actually, for once, feel understood.

So when, by a series of "coincidental" events, someone crosses your path who seems to, um, align in mindbending ways, what human being could be so stoic as not to hope? So, while I 100% don't blame him and tend to put 100% blame on myself for having the audacity to hope (thanks, Barack), in the end, I guess I can't beat myself up too badly.

Alas; in our earthly lives, will we ever understand the whys of everything? Fat chance. But is Someone in control? I'm going to have to go with yeah.

The Value of Sadness

I read this awesome Newsweek article about the value of sadness. I thought it was wonderful because it posits that our society's pop-psychology obsession with "happiness" and tendency to "medicalize sadness" is actually unhealthy. It doesn't glorify depression and pessimism, but instead suggests that allowing ourselves to feel during the down times is a normal part of being human, not something that by virtue begs a cure.

I guess I got excited about it because I recognize that there is a strong melancholic (note that I didn't say depressive) streak in my personality, and maybe it isn't all together a bad thing.

Read it here.

Why must I

defend my non-existent personal life to 8th graders? Since being seen in public with Guy 2, I've naturally been questioned. Ordinarily I wouldn't even acknowledge whatever may have been said because honestly, I'm not obligated to let them know anything, just for the simple fact that I'm their teacher, and it's simply none of their business. Yet it's not that I'm terribly bothered by good natured teasing/speculation at all, it's just that I've never felt that I've had to respond to the speculation until today. I guess I'm just a little sensitive about the Guy 2 thing in light of recent developments.

I wasn't mean about it, I just said, "I am not dating Guy 2." And of course they carried on saying, "Oh, sure, you guys are just friends," doing finger quotes when they said the word "friends." It's fine . . . I mean, if I were in 8th grade, I'd probably get a kick out of teasing my single 20-something teacher too. But I guess something in my expression gave me away (surprise, surprise) because one of the students noticed and said, "Come on, guys, just drop it."

Ugh. Montgomery may be the capital (some people from Backwoodsville think it's "too big") but it is still frighteningly small town.

It's Not About Me

God really is very awesome. At our special service tonight, a friend that I invited received the infilling of the Holy Ghost for the first time. It was amazing. There was no one else around us, just the two of us praying together, and it happened so simply. God can use anyone to do anything. People just have to be willing to be used.

Guy 2 called tonight. I'll start by saying this: When you're a person like me who can't hide anything emotionally, it makes you extremely vulnerable. On one hand, it can be good because in being transparent, you're honest, and on the whole, you have a lot less pent up mess to deal with. On the other hand, it can be bad because you're a stinking open book to anyone who cares to read. You're exposed 24/7, and that is not the most comfortable feeling. To say the least. But anyway, no tears this time. Something still has to change, and right now there's a possibility that it may. Regardless of how things turn out, I have to realize that it's not about me. It has zero to do with me. It's something only God can handle, so I have to be willing to leave it in His hands. And I have to be willing to live with the outcome, even if it's not what I want. Because it's not about me.

Band-Aids from God

A recent conversation with Guy 2 ended in tears (for me). It's 100% not his fault, but his being honest doesn't make me any less of a crybaby.

So what did I do? I went over to my parent's house and cried to Daddy. Being on the verge of 26 does not make me any less of a daddy's girl. What did Daddy do? That special Daddy thing. You know, where he sits there and listens while you cry and blubber and then says the right thing to make it all better? Then, he said he had something for me that he'd been meaning to give me. He said as soon as he saw it he had to buy it for me. Here it is:

Aww, Daddy . . . he knows his girl, doesn't he?

I think there is a female hormone that induces women to want to buy a dress on sale in order to compensate for whatever previous crying took place. Aunt in tow, I went to the mall. Nada. Then Auntie suggested a really superly expensive store in the shopping center in town where all the people who have gobs of money to spend (unlike me) go. Umm, Auntie . . . "But they're having a sale!" she protested. Get this: I find a dress with an original price tag that looked like this:

The pic is a tad blurry, so if you can't read it, it says $128. I paid $27 for it. Oh, score! Even the sales girl who rang up the purchase was shocked.

Things will be okay. They may still work out. But it's nice that God cares so much that He gives you little band-aids to help with life's boo-boos.

Oh, and we're having a special service this afternoon (that's why I'm blogging on a Sunday morning), and expecting awesome things to happen.

Catch Up

Homegirl comes to town

One of my best friends (along with her illustrious boyfriend) came to visit last month. I was really excited because I missed her and I got to show off my new place. Yay!

It snowed in Alabama

It hasn't snowed here for like . . . 13 years. So when it did last month, it was a HUGE deal. One little girl I know excitedly told me, "I made a snowball!" lol. There wasn't much, so that was about all you could do with it. But it was still pretty magical.

Guy 1
Guy 1: I love the way you write. You know, I’d really like to talk to you sometime.
Me: Ummm, I don’t know about this giving-my-number-to-a-guy-I-met-on-the-internet thing. It’s just kind of, er, I dunno . . . I don’t really know you. I wouldn’t mind emailing, though.
Guy 1: Really, I’m a very normal person, but I understand.
****Months pass*****
Guy 1: You know, I’d still just love to talk to you on the phone sometime.
Me: (Inner monologue) Aw, shucks, well, what’s to lose? He does seem pretty normal. (To him) All right, here’s my number.
****A couple of months pass with talking, texting, etc.****
Me:(To myself) Ah, that was a nice Christmas break. I wonder how Guy 1 is doing.
Guy 1:(crickets chirping)
Me: Hmm, that’s funny. I hope he’s all right. I’m not going to bother him, though. I know he’s really busy.
****Over a month passes****
Guy 1:(crickets chirping)
Me: Okay . . . well, it was nice talking to you.

Guy 2
Guy 2: Hey, let’s hang out and be buddies.

Me: Okay, that's cool.
****Months of hanging out pass****
Me: Hey, do you want to come to church with me sometime? It’s nothing new to you, you know.
Guy 2: Yeah, that’s the way I grew up. It’s not that I don’t want to come, I’m just really confused about some things, but I’ll let you know when I’m ready.
Me: That’s cool. I mean, no pressure or anything.
Guy 2: I know. I do want to come, but I’ve got to work some things out first.
Me: Cool.
****Months pass without any indication of being “ready”****
Me: (inner monologue) I’m not going to bring the church thing up again. I’m not going to beg someone to come to church with me. That’s ridiculous. If he wanted to come, he would have come. I’m not mad, we’re still cool, but there’s no way he doesn’t know how important the church thing is to me.
****Not too long after this inner monologue****
Guy 2: Hey, um, what time does church start?
Me: (To him) 10 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. (Inner monologue) I don’t know whether he’s really going to come . . . we’ll see.
****The following Sunday morning****
Me: (To myself, upon seeing Guy 2 darken the church doors) Gasp! He did come! (To him) Hey, I didn’t know if you were going to make it.
Guy 2: I said I’d come when I was ready. (Smiles)

School

Spanish Civilization. (sigh) It's what I need to be doing right now. Reading a Spanish Civilization textbook as well as Iberia by James Michener. (sigh) Distance classes are convenient, but not any less work.

Realizations

I've realized that there are a lot of things that I can do without. And when I've forced myself to do without them, I tend to fill the space with essentials. Things that I really don't get enough of.