Waaaaah!

My blog baby has been sitting and crying desperately for attention for an extended amount of time. Most blog mommies would pick their blog baby up, comfort it, feed it, see if it needed to be changed--just showed it some much-needed attention. But what have I done? I've just left it there, abandoned it to wallow in its unhappy, untended state. Isn't that terrible? Ugh.

Things with me, though, are going fine. My mind has finally landed and I'm regaining my focus once again. I wish I could divulge and tell the world about a wonderful person who cares about me, who appreciates me for who I am and who truly wants nothing other than the best for me. It's an awesome feeling when people can be honest and truthful with one another without fear of what the other will think. It's amazing when you can look at a person and see nothing but them. But perhaps now is not the time.

My dad is outside talking to a couple of Mormons who knocked on our door this afternoon. They've been discussing for almost two hours now, I'd say. "Daddy, those guys are just as sincere and earnest about what they believe as we do, " I mentioned as we saw them from afar approaching the house. Needless to say, my father is just as earnest and sincere about sharing his beliefs as as they are as well. Hence the ongoing discussion. I love my pops to death.

I have conditioner in my hair (Suave Humectant Conditioner smells absolutely heavenly) with a towel wrapped around my head, and I need to rinse it out. There's also a Mary Higgins Clark murder mystery I checked out waiting to be delved into. What a lovely, Memorial Day afternoon.

Spacy

That word super sums up how I am feeling right now. My mind won't come back to earth. I have a feeling that I'm going to have a sleepless night tonight, my mind reeling and pondering over many things.

I've also had a loss of appetite. I've been eating kind of sporadically. It's a good thing that my mom cooks and we all have a sit down dinner sometimes, else I probably wouldn't eat anything good the whole day.

I've been listening to Coldplay lately. Their British, mellow melodic rock sound just captures the emotional, slightly melancholy smorgasbord of feelings that have been swimming around in me. Excitement, the prospect of drama, the uncertainty of the future, and it's all happening so fast.

Tomorrow, I'm going to slow down and catch up on some much needed Bible-reading. My God time has been sorrowfully lacking lately.

And I finally finished my thank you cards today. I'm going to mail off the ones that need to be mailed off tomorrow, and I'm going to hand out the local ones tomorrow night at church. Procrastination hasn't gotten the best of me just yet!

Meanwhile, I'll be waiting for my mind to safely land.

Today I Did Something I Hadn't Done in a While

and that is that I took a long, hot, glorious bubble bath. It was so fabulous. I lit candles and had relaxation music playing and such. It was like my own personal day spa. I can't get too used to doing stuff like that, though . . . it'll just make it that much harder to get used to having to do things again.

Today my 20-year-old brother said something to me that, though it made me feel kind of bad, really made me kind of think constructively about myself. And things he says to me (or about me, rather) don't usually make me do any thinking at all. I normally turn my brain on to the "ignore" channel until the moment passes. But today he said, "Out of all the girls that I've known, YOU are the one who has the worst mood swings ever!" Then he goes on to say how one minute I'm laughing and everything is so funny, and the next I'm telling everyone to leave me alone. "I really feel sorry for whoever your husband will be. That man's gonna always be thinking 'What the heck is wrong with you?'" he said.

(sigh) I know I can be moody sometimes. It's one of the things I know I need to work on. But it also kind of brought home to me that the way I behave affects everybody else around me. Whatever I do is going to affect or influence others. It made me realize again that nothing is ever "just me." John Donne's words from Meditation 17 of "no man is an island" fame are really true. "Because I am involved in mankind." I'm not trying to get overly philosophical here--I'm mainly referring to how we are involved with family and friends and with members of the Body of Christ.

Sometimes when I think about the many, many young people from church I have grown up with and when I think about and wonder where they are now, I also begin to wonder: what is it about me that has caused me to stick around? It's not because I'm a super-spiritual demigoddess. It's not because I have heard the audible voice of God or have seen visions of Heaven or have had revelations of the deep spiritual things of the universe that would blow the mind of any mere mortal. None of those things are in the least bit true. But maybe, just maybe, in the back of my mind, there was something that always reminded me that decisions that I make concerning my spiritual well-being were bound to affect people that know me and care about me and even look up to me.

Funny how a fraternal insult brought these musings about.

Frank Peretti, Master of Christian Fiction

I love Frank Peretti. I was hooked for life after reading the first few pages of the book that made him big, This Present Darkness. The beginning of the book described two ordinary working-class men, dressed a bit shabbily, walking through a carnival filled with people. They sidestep people, spilled popcorn, etc, and they finally come out into a clearing and make their way over to a small, simply built church. I remember thinking, Who are these guys, what is this leading up to? They enter, unnoticed, into the church and find a solitary man kneeling at the altar. All of a sudden, their shabby clothes melt away, and they become bathed in light as their wings unfold and they begin to minister to the praying man. They're angels! I remember feeling warmth and awe at the realization that those ordinary guys were beautiful messengers of God.

Since then I have voraciously read all of his adult novels. (He's done a kid's series too). He is so awesome, not only because he's a good writer, but because he has a way of getting a message across that doesn't seem so . . . message-driven. It's not fluff and stuff (my former complaint about most Christian fiction), but neither is it obvious and heavy-handed. He's real. (And it seems that he has a Pentecostal background, too). Right now, I'm reading his newest book Monster, and though it has been a long while since he's come out with new stuff, he hasn't lost his touch. I could gush on and on . . . I remember lending his last book before he came out with Monster, The Visitation, to someone at church. I think everyone needs to read that book--it's basically about the struggles of a burnt-out pastor who is disillusioned with the church and how he faces a false-Christ character who begins to decieve the members of his small town. But anyway, the guy that I lent the book to was up all night reading it, and gave it back to me the following day. He's really that good.

Well, back to my reading!

Paperwork

Lord, have mercy, I went by the school today to sign on the dotted line, and get a mountain of paperwork handed to me in return. It's the way of the world. Welcome to the real one.

I am super excited, though. I'm like a grownup for real, now. Well, I may be able to say that next year once I have my money saved and I'm officially moved out and completely on my own.

I thought I'd have this summer to take a break . . . I was even toying with the idea of not getting a job and just volunteering or visiting out of state friends, or taking an art class or something. But how can I say I've got nothing to do when there are thank you cards waiting to be written, paperwork to read and sign and insurance information to review? And not to mention getting Spanish lesson plans together for the little kiddies in the fall?

But I am going to get back into one thing that I sort of missed during this past school year, and that is pleasure reading. I already used up my Family Christian Bookstores gift certificate and bought the new Frank Peretti book Monster, and another book about purity. I usually don't go for those another-version-of-true-love-waits type material because frankly, it's been done and it's played out. Nothing I haven't already heard. But this particular book really caught my eye and I bought it sort of on impulse and so far, I'm not sorry that I did. Book reviews will be forthcoming!

Tomorrow Is the Fated Day

Oh, yes, the end is near. Tomorrow at 6pm, I will make the transition from super-senior to alumnus. I've been checking all the girls out of their rooms like crazy today, and I'll have a few more tomorrow morning--tomorrow morning at 10 am is the deadline for them to all be out, out, out! Then I have to do a final walk through of all the rooms with my Hall Director. (oops, backstory: I'm a Resident Assistant at the biggest female freshman dorm on campus). After that I will have to be ready to face family and friends at 12, and make sure all my stuff is all packed and ready for my truck-driving friend to load and take back to the Gump for me.

It's going to be mayhem, so I'm bracing myself for it. At least we're spending the night here and will be going to church one last time here in T-town before we head back to the Gump. I'm happy I'm graduating, but I'm not exactly looking forward to all of the hullabaloo that surrounds it. But right now, I need to do some last minute cramming for my Spanish Phonetics final. Details will be forthcoming!

I Am the Bomb

I just have to write about this. I was supposed to meet a friend at "El Rincon" today for lunch. Jump in the car, turn the key. Nothing. Oh, great, did I leave my lights on or something? Hadn't left my lights on. I think I know what the problem may be . . . they say that if you turn your key and nothing happens, that means it's something with the battery. But if you turn the key and it makes a sound but still doesn't start up then it's the starter or something worse. Now, bear in mind, I am SO car clueless, and I hate taking my car in to get looked at because I know that the mechanic or whoever looks at me and sees the car cluelessness written all over my face. But I have a hunch it's the battery because my power lock didn't work either. Something similar had happened to me before, and I called the on-campus motorist assistance people, and the guy lifted the hood and saw that one of the battery things had popped off. He popped it back on and that was that. I could have done that! I thought. Anyway, today, I call the friend and ask her if she can come pick me up instead of meeting me there because all of a sudden my car won't start. I would deal with the car trouble later.

So after a lunch of quesadillas, rice and beans, I head back over to my non-starting car, determined to get to the bottom of this. I raise the hood all by myself. That was my first small victory. I then examine the battery. No little thing popped off. Hmmm . . . what else could it be? I sort of fiddle with the little battery things to make sure they are on securely. I step back, give my car a once over (like I knew what I would even be looking for) and then shut the hood. Please, please, please . . . I insert the key and turn. It roars to life. Hence, the title of this post.

I Was Going to Write Some Other Stuff

But I feel SO bad right now. Without going into detail upon detail, I will admit that I blew off one of my best friends in the world for something insignificant that could have waited. The slight was not intentional, but I didn't realize how uncool it was until it was too late. I've apologized, left messages on his home and cell (because he didn't pick up) and sent him a very apologetic email. We go waaaayyy back, so I don't think this folly of mine has dealt our solid friendship a death blow. (I surely hope it hasn't.) But it has given it a little boo-boo that I hope will heal quickly. Kevin, you're the best and you always will be, will you find it in your heart to forgive me?

Now I will spend the rest of the night wallowing in self-dislike. But this too shall pass.

The Countdown Begins

It's coming . . . the day where my 5 years of university life finally come to a close. This week is finals week, and since I've been student interning all semester, I don't really have many finals. I do have a Spanish Phonetics final (the class I should have taken while studying abroad), and a College of Education Exit Exam (for certification purposes) both on Friday, neither of which I expect to be very difficult. So, I'm spending this week chilling, packing up the rest of my stuff and getting ready for Commencement--just 4 days away.

A Few Things That I Have Packed Away Today
You can tell a lot about a person from posters and little knick-knacks they have lying about, can't you? A few of mine:

1. A poster of that says Kermit Clein in bold showing Kermit the Frog in saggy jeans showing the top band of his undies that say "Kermit Clein." It's black and white and of course a spoof of those ridiculous Calvin Klein ads--when I first saw it I just lost all composure doubled over in laughter so I had to get it for those days that I feel a little down.

2. A collage of Curious George pictures from an old calendar that served as the background of my bulletin board. I just LOVE Curious George. He's the cutest thing known to man. He's a mischevous little guy, but he has a good heart. He wants to do the right thing. I also have a small collection of CG posters, a little CG stuffed doll, a CG flashlight, and he serves as the background on my laptop. I know, borderline obsession. At least I admit it.

3. Various poems that decorated the bulletin board on my door: "The Negro Speaks of Rivers" by Langston Hughes, Shakespeare's Sonnet 116, "Meditation 17" by John Donne, a poem written by a Spanish graduate student after the train bombings in Madrid last year, and one by yours truly entitled "Mind Wanderings."

4. A hilarious "expose" of the 24 hour diner on campus by the Crimson White that was posted on my bulletin board. It's complete with grainy photos taken by cell phone cameras (ungloved hands circled in red), and testimony from students whose service at the diner was less than sanitary and professional. Though the tone of the article was serious, the way it was presented was just too much so I had to cut it out and save it. Another one of those "for those days when I'm feeling a little down" things.

I could write more, but . . .

What I'm about to Do Right Now
Eat the "Crimson Meal Deal" (7oz cheeseburger with the works, baked potato with sour cream and butter, cookies and 32 oz sweet tea all for $6.99!) I ordered from Steak-Out while I watch Spanglish. Boy, I could really get used to having nothing to do.