La Noël et autres détails de la vie

Christmas was lovely. I'll treat you to this pic of my brothers and I. We are so old but still act like brothers and sisters. And my brothers never want to smile for the camera.

So, tomorrow I'm headed to the NYC provided there are no further flight delays. One of my grad school buddies is a new daddy and I can't wait to hold his little one.

I've been knocking things off of my to-do list. All is done except for number 5, which I should be able to polish off tonight. And God please let my absent-minded professors send in their recs before the deadline. And if they don't, God please let the department be merciful. Amen.

Speaking of grad school buddies, another one of mine came down this week with his sweet little sis and we had a grand old time. I laughed A LOT. Boy, I needed it. I will never tire of the story where he awkwardly encounters one of our least-favorite professors in the men's room. Ah, I can't even think about it without chuckling.

I've also been enlisted as a Spanish tutor to . . . ahem . . . a certain tall, dark chocolate, handsome man. Perhaps he will join my professional development Beginning Spanish class when it starts back up next month. Nah, it's not like that for real. I still don't really know the dude. He's gorgeous, but looks aren't everything.

I've always been a last-minute packer. I'm going to try to be a little better and not wait until 12 a.m. this time.

Calm down.

But there's this manic little me that wants to explain, that wants to make sure I'm not perceived as not the way I want to be perceived because if I were then I'd be misunderstood and feel insecure and I don't want to put myself into a position where I am looked at as immature and eager and naive because I'm trying to make sure that I come across as the way I want to come across and

Please, do yourself and everyone else a favor and calm down.

In your vain attempt not to be annoying and too much, you are being annoying and too much.

Breathe.

Unashamedly accept the unchangeable fact that you are yourself and calm down.

The Nutcracker

The best moment: The first few dainty plucks of the strings before the sugar plum fairy tiptoes and pirouettes across the stage.

Today I woke up and made pancakes.

I felt like being a housewife. To accompany the pancakes I made bacon and scrambled eggs. My dad and brothers were quite pleased.

Now I must . . .

1. Start Christmas shopping. Christmas is Saturday. Geez.

2. Mail an English Bible to a friend in France. (It's not going to get there in time, but c'est la pensée qui compte.)

3. Send some Christmas cards in French. Gotta practice. Madame sent me one like 2 weeks ago.

4. Finish writing my statement of purpose and get the rest of the application sent off. The deadline is January 1st!

5. Finish watching training videos for my new gig.

Please God, please let my stars align. I know that I am an underling and that the fault lies not in them (quick explanation), but please . . . last night we sang "You Give Us Life" at church, and it suddenly hit me that I've been given the gift of life. I felt positive, refreshed, forward-looking. I don't want to lose it. There's an itsy bitsy hope buried under layers and layers, incubating, lying patiently dormant. Don't let it die.

Miss Señorita Says Adiós

I was a little surprised during my goodbyes yesterday. More of them cared than I thought. One student who gave me constant problems begged me not to go. "Please, Miss Señorita, please don't go. I am so sorry for everything I've done. I promise to do better if you please don't go." A few of them wrote me notes telling me how great of a teacher I am and how much they're going to miss me. When I made the announcement that I wouldn't be back next semester, a common refrain was, "Why you leaving us?" That really got to me. I hate the idea of leaving people behind.

A friend of mine made me laugh harder than I had in a while by telling me that I invent new reasons to beat myself up. Maybe she's right, but I have to be honest and say that I feel like a failure. I do. I gave up. One of my students even said, "Quitters never win and winners never quit, Miss Smith. And you're a winner. So you can't quit." It made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

So many of my students come from broken, desperate situations. It's in the air at the school. You can smell it and breathe it in. And I allowed it to drag me down. I got tired of fighting. Of feeling ineffective and inept. Of feeling powerless for not being able to exert enough authority to control my classes. Of helplessly watching the future get carried off in handcuffs and totter down the hallways pregnant. Of hearing vile language everywhere I turned. Of feeling disregarded and rejected and taken for granted.

I am in this world. I am charged to be a light in this world. And if I start making a habit of quitting, how can I say that I truly believe in a God who strengthens me?

Maybe the disappointment and frustration that I felt is just a minuscule fraction of what Jesus felt every day during His life among us. Broken and desperate people.

Now I'm Facebook friends with a few. I told my pregnant students to give me a call when the baby comes so that I could go visit them. Maybe I can still be a positive influence even if I'm not in the classroom.

I'm fickle and emotional.

I'm not proud of it, it's just that fickleness and emotionalness are a couple of the building blocks of me that cause me a little bit of heartache and get me into a little bit of trouble and cause me to make a little bit of impulsive decisions.

No amount of cheerleading and scriptural exhortation could get me to change my mind. With a stubborn mind and a tear-streaked face and a sob-wracked heart, I'm quitting I can't do this anymore it's taking a toll on me I won't come back.

But enter a tall, well-built, dark chocolate co-worker. Oh, hold up . . . where did he come from? I didn't even know he existed because he was sequestered over in the 9th grade academy. He comes strolling into my room with his class during my planning period because they were using his room for testing that week. The kids adore him. He's funny, tall, handsome, down-to-earth, tall and tall. The kids loved his little charming ways to try to get my attention while I was putting in grades or whatever. Ooh Miss Señorita are you gonna go out with Mr.___? He sweeps into my room after school one day after I used "I'm not coming back next semester" as a deterrent. But no you can do all things through Christ you have a beautiful smile and your laugh is contagious the kids need your positivity you have a glow about you you're a light you have to believe that God is bigger than this He'll give you strength you'll come out on the other side and your test will become a testimony. Which of those words hadn't been said to me already? They just hadn't come out of the mouth of a gorgeous Hershey man. Hey maybe it's not that bad maybe I can tough it out he's right I have to have faith Wait a minute . . .

Okay. Maybe I made an emotional decision to quit. But wouldn't I be making another emotional decision to stay? Based on heart flutters and chocolatey tallness? He probably felt like the man because I was all emotional and I can't do it and he was all tall and passionate and strong and comforting and yes you can.

The Bible says a doubleminded man (or woman) is unstable in all his/her ways. I just need to accept that I made a decision (word is already getting around . . . why do I have a sense of déjà vu?) and now I need to stick with it and move on. Plus I wouldn't want Hershey to think I would stay because of him.

La Hamburguesa

Tonight I taught my Beginning Conversational Spanish professional development class about food, ordering from a restaurant and expressing likes and dislikes. Next week is the last week of the session and I'm planning for us all to meet at a Mexican restaurant to finish it out with a fun outing, maybe do a Christmasy thing or two and give them to have a chance to order their food in Spanish and test out what they've learned. Should be fun.

Anyway, one the food items I taught today was la hamburguesa, and I got an overwhelming craving for a hamburger. Suddenly, all I wanted in life was a big, fat juicy cheeseburger with the works. It was all I could think about for the rest of class. As soon as class was over, I made a beeline to Hardee's.

Ketchup and mayonnaise and mustard oozed over the edges every time I took a bite. The lettuce was crunchy, the tomatoes juicy, the onions and pickles zingy, the cheese melty. I relished it with fries and washed it down with a cherry coke. And I sat there in a mellow, greasy languor, feeling for the first time in a while something close to contentment.

This is the thing:

I complain about not having any stability, about wanting this itinerant life of "gigs" to be over, but then I continue to jump around with the mantra "It's just temporary" propelling me on.

So, I did it. I broke down and turned in a letter of resignation to my principal this week. I won't be continuing with my most recent incarnation of "Miss Señorita" next semester. I didn't do it with relish at all. I did it tearfully, feeling like a quitter, feeling like an idiot for rejecting more money than I've ever made + benefits, feeling like a weakling for not being able to tough it out, feeling like a loser for leaving the kids behind who really are trying, feeling like a weasel for considering deucing out without saying goodbye. How would I say it? I do have a back-up plan. (I'm not entirely insane.) And, yes, the back-up plan's pay sucks. Here's something I've learned about me: I'm willing to accept sucky pay for peace of mind. At least temporarily. There I go again.

And then there's another situation which will only persist as long as I allow it to. Words mean so very little to people when they aren't followed through with respective action. No more reliance on words. No more saying, "I'm not going to do ______ anymore." Instead, I have to just not do it anymore.

I don't have a great sense of direction. Anyone who's ever driven with me can tell you that. I always inadvertently end up taking the long way. There was always a better, shorter, more efficient way to have gotten where I eventually ended up. But at least I eventually got there.

It's crazy. In some areas I'm an overachiever, supposedly ahead of the game. In others, I'm quite the late bloomer. It's a maddening combination.

Or perhaps I'm just realizing that I'm more like everyone else than I'd like to admit. It's not a bad thing.

Back at it.

Back in the saddle, son.

A funny thing happens. I'll be dreading it. I'll be clenching my fists and trying to get my head around it as the countdown nears its end. But when showtime rolls around, I'm there and the cogs in the machine jumpstart and keep turning.

Waning

Rrrrrr . . . I feel like a fluffy, lazy old dog rolling over after a too long sleep.

I'm here at Starbucks to sit myself down and plan, to prepare, to woman up for going back to pounding the pavement on Monday, but aauugh . . . it's slippery and drippery and sticky and icky. I want to tiptoe around it. I want to flee across the border into the sunflower-filled land where things go my way.

I have to stop this. I have to put my foot down and say "Eat your mushy vegetables!" to me. I have to tug on my foot to bring my helium-filled head out of the clouds of conjecture and back down to the gravel road. I have to stop hoping things are going to fall into my lap. I have to stop wishing that a dapper, coffee-caramel man is going to wake up one day and come riding to my rescue. I must learn the lesson of object permanence over again. Just because I can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Okay, a wee bit of credit: I finished grading (and recording) tests last night (with help). I did go through and assign professional development credit to students from my other Spanish class this morning (which takes longer than one would suppose). Baby steps. Baby steps.

Onward.

Thanks

I do this every year to remind myself of how much I have to be thankful for. It's a very enriching exercise, counting your blessings. They are not necessarily in order of importance. I am thankful for . . .

1. My job. There are some people who are looking for work or who have been laid off from their jobs. I should be thankful that I even have a job. And not just that, but also an extra teaching job two nights a week.

2. My family. My family has always been so extremely supportive of me, and I don't know what I would do without them.

3. My friends. There are people who are not members of my family who love me, who are welcoming to me, who cheer me on and who remember me in their prayers.

4. My health. I have never had any serious health problems. My health has never been something that I've had to worry about interfering with my daily life.

5. My youth. I'm still on the green side of 30 and I still (God willing) have a lot to look forward to.

6. My transportation. I have a pretty decent car that gives me very few problems and gets good gas mileage.

7. My size. I'm a skinny minnie and will continue to enjoy it while it lasts.

8. Little children who run up to me and hug me. I can't get enough of that. It just lights up my life.

9. Long, hot showers. For a few luxurious minutes a day, all troubles melt away.

10. Options. I lament the fact that I don't know what I want to do. But I'm thankful that my confusion and frustration comes from an abundance of options instead of a lack thereof.

11. God's mercy. Though I have single-handedly transformed my life into a desperate tragedy at times, God has allowed me to dust myself off and bounce back.

12. Google translate. Since I have friends from literally all over the world, I can keep up with their Facebook goings-on that aren't written in Spanish or French.

Hear me out there?

This is what I want you to do. I want you to listen to me. Try to listen despite my muffled heartbeat, my muted voice. Read my mind. Listen to the sounds of telepathic silence pulsating towards you.

I dig in my heels for necessity's sake, out of an eventual will to survive. I blindly reinforce my soft spots with sterner stuff (what ambition's made of, says Marc Antony) to forge on. But the me still seeps out from between the cracks.

It isn't weakness, it's humanity. Or is humanity by virtue weak? Or is weakness by virtue human? Listen to me: I want to be extraordinary, I want to be normal. I want what no one else has, I want what everyone else has. I want you to feel the weighted tension of my contradictions.

I am clay. I'm being molded and kneaded and broken. Can't you see that I realize I am also in process? That I'm subject to change?

To think that we should remain untouched by the prospect of change is (as Marc Antony would say) the most unkindest cut of all.

I pray for the day you could hear the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart clearly. But until then, try to listen. Steel yourself, humble yourself and listen.

I keep

wanting to quit and then resolve to stick with it and then I'll want to quit again, and again resolve to stick with it, but then I'll feel like quitting again, and then I'll ultimately resolve that I have to stick with it.

I'm sure I'm going to want to quit again.

But I'm sure I'll resolve that I have to stick with it.

I'm really trying.

I'm really trying to trudge through this sludge.

I'd give it all up, I would. I'd throw in the towel, I would. In a minute. But I just can't. I know that I'm not supposed to.

Despite it all, there are still smiles in the hallway. There are tiny spots of brightness. There's a flower growing through the asphalt.

You'd think I'd be bone dead tired, splayed, exposing innards to dry in the sun after my days, but there's still a reserve of energy on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons when I teach my professional development class. Today a student told me that she was afraid and nervous when she thought about learning a foreign language, but I've made it so fun for her and made her feel so comfortable, it's all she talks about, and she takes every opportunity to practice. She thanked me. She made my day.

Good Things

1. Got my teaching certificate renewed! Old people tryna act like my Master's degree didn't count towards recertification at first because "it's wasn't part of a teacher education program." Well, guess what, suckas? After you denied my 60 continuing education hours I completed "because they were completed before the validity start date of my certificate" I sent my transcript in anyway. Now it's all good till 2015. (Um, yikes, that year sounds too futuristic for my tastes. Good Lord, what am I going to be up to by then?)

2. I've decided to stop being a weenie, woman up, and soldier on with my job(s). I've quit in my mind so many times. But some things you just gotta face.

3. Long weekend. Thursday and Friday off, son. And then we have an entire week off for Thanksgiving. Okay, my job has its perks.

4. Got the ball rolling for grad school application. Paid the application fee, sent off the transcripts, got the GRE scores reported. Now I just have to wait for them recommendations to come rolling in, get that statement of purpose out there, and dust off one of my papers for my writing sample. Juan Moreira and verisimilitude. It's a big word in Spanish, too.

5. Hanging with homies and laughing belly laughs. I need this a little more often nowadays.

Industriousness Strikes Again

Aw, yeah. I gotta ride this sucka out. When industriousness strikes I gotta get it while the gettin's good. I gotta strike while the iron's hot. It's Friday evening and I'm not physically spent, drooling onto my pillow in oblivion. I've got bedsheets in the washing machine, people! I already have my weekend to-do list written out! C'mon, now.

Today started out as an off the chain day. It ended as an off the chain day. But somehow, I'm still sane.

I struggle with indecisiveness, fickleness, even. I drive myself and those who enter my orbit loco because of it. But in the thick of writing office referrals during my planning period, it hit me like a shaft of light: I'm applying for the Romance Languages doctoral program at a school a state away.

I teetered and tottered between wanting to do it or not. But something made me make up my mind today. I think the reason why God makes us uncomfortable is because He wants to push us on to something else. Being uncomfortable lights a fire under our derrieres to get up and out. Thank God for some kind of clarity. I hope it all works out. It would be a shame if it didn't because this is the last year my GRE scores are valid. I don't want to have to take it again because I don't think I can pull those scores off again. My standardized test game has gotten a little rusty.

I feel like getting down to business. I feel like getting things done. I gotta ride this sucka out.

Dear Unattainable

Dear Unattainable,

I'm trying to put safeguards in place in order not to make you my god.

I don't want to spend myself, exhaust myself, figuring, maneuvering, performing mental acrobatics of the utmost futile kind in order to forge an uncertain path towards finally, at last, having you within my grasp.

You, elusive, desirable. Where wishes are pocketed. Where dreams dry on the line and blow in the wind. Where heart's desires burn.

I circumscribe you in prayer during dawn-lit drives. You're always in my mind despite my efforts to leave you in the hands of the True God.

Daylight Savings Time notwithstanding, time will pass. Life will pass. Shall I live it in pursuit of you? Or shall I live it despite you? (Is there a third-party rhetorical question?)

You're aloof. Unmoved by my sighs and groanings. You exist in a world away from me, yet would still have me believe that you're just beyond my reach. I'd protest that it's unfair, but that particular protest is grating and somehow beneath me.

I can't ask anything of you. I don't expect anything from you. I just wanted to let you know how I feel.

Sincerely,

Me

Another Chicken Post

I wanted some chicken wings. I didn't want the leftover gumbo my mom made. So I went to Popeye's and got a 3 chicken wing combo. With a biscuit. With red beans and rice.

It was the first time in a while I ate really well. I had been picking at stuff because I had kind of a loss of appetite lately.

But I tore some Popeye's up. Hopefully, I can tear up grading papers this weekend.

Dear Lord Henry

Read The Picture of Dorian Gray and then come back and read this post.

Dear Lord Henry,

You are the Victorian incarnation of the devil, you are. What is so maddening (yet intriguing) about you is that it's quite clear what you are, it's quite clear you're a seducer. That in itself should be fair warning.

But your words, your words. Even though if studied hard enough with sharp, unfeeling eye, they're found to be nonsense, lies, twisted, hedonistic logic, all they need is a moment, a few soft, insecure moments to slither past defenses and embed themselves in the mind. What a snare for the trusting, open-hearted! To be presented with one who is at once dangerous and appealing, at once flattering and destructive. Your influence is your elixir, and once anyone dares take a sip you become their god and they your slave.

Though you are a fictional character, a projection of Oscar Wilde's fancy, it does not mean that you do not exist. That's the wonder, or rather, the terror of you. Lord Henry does exist. You exist in the form of living, breathing men ages removed from your literary conception. You live through manipulative words whispered to susceptible prey. You live in the machinations of the base desire of conquest, for no reason other than the lust for possession. You live in the cruel satisfaction some receive from watching the unsullied spoil before their eyes. You live in those who glory in efforts to make the principled succumb.

Lord Henry, you walk in the shadows down the corridors of my fears. But you shall not overtake me. I refuse to be your Dorian Gray.

Cordially,

Me

Another Sunday Night

I love the taste of my mom's pasta salad, this time with chunks of artichoke hearts. They and the bits of olive are chunks and bits of nostalgic Italian childhood.

I love the citrusy smell of deep conditioner invigorating my scalp. My hair's gonna be so soft. It's gonna be so soft.

Writing out heartfelt words on blank note cards, typing out ideas and games that amount to learning as lesson plans, sitting under a hairdryer while reading the colorful Sunday comics.

CNN and New York Times scans, a Facebook check, and the fuzzy few pensive moments before settling into a well-earned sleep.

Work

I have to work at it. It takes work.

I have to get up in the morning. I have to go to work. I have to plan. I have to be ready. I have to push against the friction, against the grind. I have to overcome inertia.

A body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it.

I must say no and follow through. I must say yes and follow through.

A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

I must make a conscious decision every day to love. I must make a conscious decision every day to shine. I must make a conscious decision every day to hope. I must make a conscious decision every day not to drown.

What makes you think

that a handful of heartfelt prayers is all it takes?

that ingrained things disappear for good?

that the disconnect between your actions and words is negligible?

that another human being would ever be able to save you?

that your impatience is a result of your situation instead of the other way around?

that the same things will somehow produce different results?

that giving up is an option?

Sick Day

Ugh. Today I woke up drowning in it.

At least I got my grades posted.

At least I had time to eat breakfast today.

Tomorrow will be better.

I begged for a chicken biscuit today.

Today started out as a slumping day. A lumpy, disjointed, moping in my airy world time because people won't do what I want them to do. Now. Be patient. Be prayerful. Take care of God's business and He'll take care of yours.

It wasn't even a regular workday. No kiddies to contend with, but meetings nonetheless. By 10:35, I was starving and I only wanted one thing: A Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit. (They've gotten me into trouble before.) I don't know how to convey to you how much I absolutely had to have one. There was only one problem: They stop serving breakfast at 10:30. After my slumpy lumpy funk of waking up, I didn't care. I was going to speed to the drive thru and beg. I made it at approximately 10:47.

Me: I know you stop serving breakfast at 10:30, but is there any possible way I could pleeeease have a chicken biscuit?

Lady: No, ma'am, I'm sorry.

Me: Are you sure? I just really have to have one today. Please.

Lady: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to do that.

Me: (long, sorrowful sigh) Okayyyy. Well, I guess I'll get a chicken strips meal, thr-

Lady: Hold on for just a second. I'll be right back. (long pause) Well, actually we have one more chicken biscuit left! Is there anything else you'd like?

Me: Yes! Yes! Thank you! Okay, I'll also get a medium waffle fry and a lemonade. Thank you so much! You just made my day!

Why can't everything else in life work like the Chick-fil-a drive thru?

An Actual Saturday

This is the first Saturday in a long time that I've felt like I can actually enjoy.

It's not like I don't still have stuff to do. There's always something to do. But I don't feel like there's this heavy cloud of ohmygodihavesomuchtodoswirling about me. This breath-taking, hyperventilation-inducing pressure that boils my brain into a thick cauldron of cerebral stew.

But I still have stuff to do.

This week kicked off my professional development Spanish class. So far, so good, I must say. I had a principal in my class make a few positive comments to me and to my supervisor about my energetic, engaging style. Hurray! However, any time something starts off with a bang, there's the pressure to keep it up. I can't lose steam.

My day job is still all the way live. But I'm learning how to handle it. No matter how horrible some of my kids are, there still exists a blessed remnant which I believe makes it worth it.

I will allow myself

a slight break in this 11:30 p.m. coffee-induced burst of productivity to say that I wish this mission-minded me would come around more often.

The me that usually decides to manifest is the slothful worrywart. Lots of energy is produced, but it's all kept internally. No measurable progress is made, and it does no good but burn up my brain cells before they get a chance to do anything productive.

But the mission-minded me, when she decides to emerge, is much easier to stomach. No guilty aftertaste.

Here's to finally delving into grading the tests my students keep nagging me about!

Got ma check

Ey. I fin'ly got ma check. You'ont eeeven know. Shoooooot. Been waitin fo dat check. Das MAH check. Das mah PAYcheck, cuz. Gon pay sum bills wi dat junk. Gon pay sum loans wi dat junk. Gon pay sum cret cards wi dat junk. Gon buy me sum shoes wi dat junk. Gon buy me sum lotion wi dat junk.

You'ont eeeven know. Shoooooot.

Naïve

While baking a batch of caramel-filled chocolate chip cookies this evening, I wondered: If you are aware of your naïveté, are you truly naïve?

Gotta hold it together, son.

I'm a procrastinator.

Nothing new here, move along folks, nothing more to see.

Though the procrastinator in me usually reigns and the overachieving nerd kicks in at the last minute, there are times, precious few times, when the overachieving nerd gets going from the get go.

I like those times.

I've got more to do, so I'm getting more done. I have less time to get things done, so I'm forced to use my time more efficiently.

I feel productive.

In addition to my day job, I'm also going to start teaching a Beginning Spanish class for teachers and administrators in my school system in the evenings. (Not necessarily in order of importance: experience, exposure, and cha-ching!)

Gotta hold it together, son.

Cures

Cure for the Saturday morning blues: Listening to Chopin nocturnes while driving through the still morning while watching the color-changing leaves begin to drift to the ground.

Cure for the cold soggy soul: A friend embrace, a sister to see in the flesh, commiserating smiles over hot and iced lattes and warm pastries.

Cure for the procrastinatory bog: A place apart, background music, a free drink (for filling out a survey), space to spread out and drown in the monotony of grading, grading.

Rest for the weary, solace for the lonely, a spot to observe the curious phenomenon of rainfall in the sun.

Salsa

So, I've decided that I have to focus on having fun with my off the chain students. And even though many of them are enormous enough to pound me into the ground, at the end of the day, they're children. Plus today's Friday. It was destined to be a fun day. (Even though I must be 100% and say today started out completely live. There was a food fight during breakfast in the packed-to-capacity cafeteria before school even started today.)

We played a game I've coined "Tic-tac-toe en Español" which is a tic-tac-toe-like review game. In each tic-tac-toe square is a category. The teams take turns choosing categories and if they get the question right, they get to put an X or O in that spot. First team to get three in a row wins.

The last few minutes of class, I blasted some Celia Cruz and taught them how to salsa. Some classes were more into it than others, but the class who was the most into it was the class which is usually the wildest.

I had some kids comment on how fun today's class was and I even had a student tell me I was their favorite teacher, which of course made my teacher heart swell with warm fuzzy pride. These are the things I need to remember during the down days.

What Is "This"?

The weeks slip by slowly. On the dawn lit drive to work, there was one phrase reverberating in me: "This cannot continue."

There are no specifics. I guess that's what's maddening about my state. "This" doesn't refer to any particular thing, even though the word by its very definition indicates specificity. It's just this place, this place that I'm in career-wise, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Something has to be decided upon. This limbo-ness, that's what I'm talking about. This is what cannot continue.

Career: It really is going to be fine. I can't get away from teaching. It's what I do. But yet, what am I going to do? This now isn't going to be this forever. So what is going to be this forever?

Location: It's family. The closest place to home that will ever exist. But it's just kind of a launch pad. A base that I'll return to now and again. Here now can't be here forever.

Emotional: I'm me. No matter how much I'd wish bits of me away, it's ingrained. My sensitivity. My tears. My overanalysis. My wishful thinking. I realize that these are little me-blocks. But why do I feel so badly about their presence?

Spiritual: Wandering in the wilderness. Conflicted. I love my toddlers. Last Sunday, they were completely consumed with scooping dry macaroni out of containers and pouring it into other ones. They're delighted by simple things. But can I stay in my Sunday School Teacher cocoon forever and think that will make the balloon float?

This thing that I'm in, this insecure existence, it simply cannot continue. Not for too much longer.

This is a major grade.

Name: ___________________ Date: _______ Period: __

Answer the following questions in complete sentences.

1. What are the policies and procedures involved in "giving it over to God"?

2. What does it mean not to live in the past when we are indubitably formed and molded by our past experiences?

3. In Chapter 1, the issue of Things was discussed. How do you stay on top of them?

4. In the case study of C.S., there were details of ponderous, tearful Saturday mornings. What was it that reassured the subject and why?

Essay Prompt

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is probably one of Nietzche's most memorable quotations. Argue for or against this assertion using evidence from your own life. Cite where appropriate.

Bonus

Applying inductive reasoning, what are the odds (in ratio form) of a 28-year-old, wanderlust-laden, indecisive, insecure, impatient, stubborn, sensitive, overly-analytical black female chilling out?

White fudge covered pretzels

are what I'm eating right now while listening to Brazilian pop. While writing in French to Swedish friends. While plunged into the molasses of life in the former capital of the Confederacy. While realizing that I love my students somehow. While wondering what's next.

Rainbow Morning

I saw this promise in the sky before I rolled away to work this morning:

Red and yellow and pink and green

Purple and orange and blue

I can sing a rainbow,

Sing a rainbow,

Sing a rainbow too.

A Sunday Night, Like Many Sunday Nights to Come

Sitting here, blogging as procrastination. Avoidance. That's nothing new.

I'm trying to hold on to the last shred of this weekend before the new week comes pouring in, drowning me in its tide of sheer existence.

I like teaching, I do. I like the little details of being a teacher. Freshly sharpened pencils, post it notes, seating charts, gesticulating while walking around the room, hoping my word seeds will plant themselves into my students' brains and that little knowledge seedlings will sprout. I like answering questions that show curiosity about the world. I like giving out star stickers for correct answers and participation. (You'd think high school students would utterly shun the very idea of star stickers, but you'd be surprised.)

But the one thing I despise, the one thing that makes me want to curl up into a fetal position in a corner and die is grading papers. And I have a million and one students. Take me now, sweet Jesus. Take me on home. The papers mock me, daring me to make an insignificant dent.

There's a flying saucer of insecurity that constantly hovers over me. I don't have it together. I'm grasping at loose ends and more sprout before I have time to tie them. It's daunting. I'm doomed to slogging through. I'll never be a hot knife through butter.

Sometimes the cool, soothing genie in my brain says just a day at a time. You can only do what you are able to do. It looks nice typed out. It sounds reasonable out loud.

But tomorrow I'll unlock my paper-decorated door (an attempt at morale-boosting festiveness), and step into my chilled room. There will be desks, a podium, a tardy log, a clock. These are concrete things.

There will be a sea of humanity in the hallways which will come flowing into my room. Here we are now, entertain us.

Call: Buenos días, clase.

Response: Buenos días, Señorita Smith.

Invitation

What: Miss Señorita Smith's Detention!

Where: Room 127

When: August 27th from 2:55 p.m. sharp to 3:40 p.m.

**Failure to attend will be an office referral! Gum scrapers provided!**

After

the end of a long week, to sit down to an enormous hunk of chocolate cake accompanied by a tall glass of milk.

Come, Lord Jesus.

Miss Señorita Smith

"Miss Señorita Smith, um, are you black or are you mixed with somethin?"

"Miss Señorita Smith, how long you was in Spain?"

"Miss Señorita Smith, how come they got that upside down question mark thing?"

"Miss Señorita Smith, I don't wanna fail Spanish. I got to graduate."

"Miss Señorita Smith, you liked the kind of food they had over there?"

"Miss Señorita Smith, what kind of music is this? What you said? Flamingo?"

"Miss Señorita Smith, do you listen to this kind of music in your car?"

"Miss Señorita Smith, I don't know what that MEAN."

"Miss Señorita Smith, ooh, I know! I wanna go first!"

"Miss Señorita Smith, is it going to be like this everyday? It be boring."

"Miss Señorita Smith, it be fun in here."

7th period

was a zoo today. This cannot continue.

I'm not the yelling type. I'm just not. Why would I get myself all worked up because of your foolishness? Not this chica.

Were some parents called today? Yezzir. That should nip this puppy in the bud.

Orange Spice Tea

I go through tea phases.

Phase one: Chai tea.

Phase two: Green tea.

Phase three: Lemon ginger tea.

Currently: Orange spice tea.

I hate the fact that my body won't let me sleep in. I'm so programmed to waking up early that even on a lazy Saturday morning I can't get in a few extra winks.

My to-do list. Oh, my to-do list.

This is what I do: Hope for impossibles. Then, if the impossible turns, for lack of a better word, plausible, I acquire a nervous, indecisive aftertaste.

I finally got a new phone. I had had my old phone since 2005. It's not the latest and the datest. I mean, I use my phone for calling and occasionally texting. That's it. I guess it's nice that this one has a camera which I might use and a bunch of other capabilities that I probably won't.

One thing I haven't done yet that I will do today: Use some mango mandarin body scrub.

I wonder: What kinds of other people have Curious George as their computer wallpaper?

Flamenco

A handsome, eyebrow-pierced young Spaniard returns to his job at the cybercafe on a lonely corner in Salamanca.

Every once in a while, his thoughts turn to a quirky American girl with downcast eyes who came into the cybercafe one summer afternoon about two years ago. She sat sullenly, the only one there that day. He had some modern Flamenco on in the background. Suddenly, she inquired about the group playing, and he offered to make her a CD full of the music. Tears welled up in her eyes and she said she wasn't ready to leave Spain. She didn't want to go back to the States. He smiled and shook his head. What a silly little sentimental girl. He gave her candy and told her to keep her head up, that it's better to go through life smiling than crying. He gave her the CD, but not before he wrote "Flamenquito: music from Salamanca for a friend" on it. He then sent her off with his email address, more encouraging words, and oh-so-Spanish besitos on both cheeks.

Little does he know that the music on the CD he burned for her now gets its wear in a high school Spanish classroom thousands of miles away from his lonely corner. Students unaccustomed to such plaintive wailing, staccato raps and claps, and raspy guitar enter a new world for a few moments. Some, ever searching for an excuse, complain that they don't understand the words. "Maybe not," the girl, now a teacher, says, "but you can feel it."

Interview

Interviewer: So, how long has it been since you've been back from France?

Interviewee: Umm . . . let's see . . . it's been a little over a month now.

Interviewer: So, what's it like to be back? Do you miss it? Do you see yourself going back?

Interviewee: It's okay. I mean, I do miss certain things about it, but frankly, I was ready to come back to the States. That's not to say that I wouldn't like to go back to France. I would. It's something I'm considering. I just don't know when or how or under what circumstances. Sometimes I wake up with France on my mind. Often, it will bring me to tears. I think maybe, if I do go back, I should let enough time pass so that I don't feel like I'm slipping back into the grooves of my already lived French experience. When I go back, I want to go back anew.

Interviewer: What do you miss the most?

Interviewee: If I had to choose one thing and one thing only, I would say the Loire River.

Interviewer: You've truly lived a world-traveling life, haven't you? You spent years in Italy as a child, you spent time in Spain and learned Spanish, now you've spent time in France and you've added a second foreign language to your repertoire. What's the next step?

Interviewee: (laughs) I wish I knew. What I know right now is that I need to work. Thankfully, I've gotten a job as a Spanish teacher set to start next week, so I'm focusing on getting prepared for that. So, I guess I can say that for at least a year, the next step has pretty much been settled for me.

Interviewer: What is it that you want to do? If you could choose the perfect situation, what would it be?

Interviewee: (sighs) That's such a broad question. I don't know. I don't really know. I guess I just want to be where God wants me to be. I can't go wrong with that, can I?

This is going to sound kind of mean, but . . .

Okay, I had much loftier things to talk about, deeper things, discoveries, insights and stuff like that. But now I've been reduced to ranting.

I don't think I'm all that. I don't know what I can say to convince anyone reading this that I don't think I'm an untouchable princess or whatever. But I'm just going to be honest and say that sometimes it makes me . . . the only word I can use is 'angry' to describe the feeling that I get when someone that has absolutely no business trying to talk to me tries to talk to me.

I know, like I said, that sounds mean, but I'm serious. You are SO old, overweight, needing a haircut, looking like an extremely unattractive potato face, and you have the audacity to try to mack? Who are you? I don't even know who your nasty old self is. With your yellowing, inwardly turned bottom tooth looking like a fake wooden triangle painted yellow jammed into your mouth.

Just because you and some other lady sat near me at Starbucks and I moved my stuff out of the way doesn't mean you have a conversation opening. And just because you noticed my ringless hand doesn't give you permission to comment on my marital status, and ask if I have any children or a boyfriend when the lady gets up to go to the bathroom. And when I dumbly answer "no" to the last two questions, it doesn't give you license to inform me that you're single too and like younger women and wonder if I'm into older men. How dare you tempt my stomach acid to reflux in my Starbucksian sanctuary? How dare you impudently dare to think you even deserve wisp of a chance? And how dare you force me to revert into my uncomfortable nervous laughtering self, wanting to get leagues away from you, but somehow still trying to be nice?

With your sorry attempts to get faux intellectual with me just because I revealed to the lady that I'd traveled a bit after she asked if I were a college student and I told her I was a teacher and that no, I'm not from Montgomery originally. You Spaghetti-O and fried hot dog eating old man hat wearing over your needing a haircut head.

To talk to from time to time? No, mouth breathing jelly donut lover. Never. I don't think that's a good idea. And I actually said that last part out loud from behind my still trying to be nice nervous smile. Go back to your back room-dwelling, TV-watching life. Go back to lumbering around your flat, worn, all-too-familiar, cornbread crust world.

Let reality forge its way into your brain and focus your energies on finding a woman your own age and shoe size instead of licking your quadragenarian chops in wasting your easily spent energy in pursuit of "younger women." And you can bet your sweet potato face I'm not coming back to that Starbucks as you gullibly believed I would. Good day, sir.

Creative Nonfiction

I've decided that's what I'm going to do. Forsake all to become a creative nonfiction writer. ::insert huge chunk of I'm-just-kidding here:: It dawned on me while perusing my MFA published writer friend's library that that's the kind of writing I can do. My fiction attempts have been met with a teeny bit of success (I won a writing contest sponsored by 90&9 for this story 3 years ago), and I've written a bit of fiction for Word Aflame Press Sunday school literature for teens, but in all honesty, it's not great. My poetry attempts have been . . . dismal. But I think if I were ever going to pursue writing seriously, I would write creative nonfiction. It's a relatively new, open field, and I think I'd like to explore it a bit.

Here's a profound couple of lines from the end of a piece called "Mirrorings" by Lucy Grealy:

"I once thought that truth was eternal, that when you understood something it was with you forever. I know now that this isn't so, that most truths are inherently unretainable, that we have to work hard all our lives to remember the most basic things."

Wow. I thought that was pretty profound. It's true. Just because you understand something doesn't mean it's with you. Believing the truth is not a permanent magic moment. It's hard, elusive work.

Another thing I realized this weekend really made me think: The reason we are able to romanticize disaster is because the worst didn't happen. It is such a sobering thought. Not original to me, though I will write it in my journal, and I hope I always remember it.

Friends and Family

So, I got back Tuesday from seeing my caramel, dark chocolate, butterscotch, burnt sienna family. We're such a lovely kaleidoscope of earth tones. Check us out here. My first day in Philly I wolfed down a whole cheesesteak. With extra cheese. Y'all don't know nothin bout that!

Yesterday, I headed to the plains to see some grad school buds. It was such a nice reunion. We even crafted a video destined to go viral:

Now, I'm heading to Birmingham (otherwise known as The Ham) to see my homegirl and her fam.

I have to get all my friend visiting out of the way before the onslaught. Gotta get Rotary PowerPoint lined up, and Monday starts a little "not mandatory, but highly recommended" new teacher orientation. It's creeping up on me and before I know it I'll be thrown back into the tumble dry cycle of roughneck real life.

It's Official

A little while ago, I went downtown and filled out all the paperwork for my newly acquired teaching position. Signed that dotted line, son! Official report to work day is August 4.

What slightly gets on my nerves is some people's reactions when they ask where I'll be working and what age I'll be working with. They wince or chuckle smugly saying, "Good luck with that." Let me passive-aggressively tell you something, since I probably won't say this to yo face. I know the public school system around these parts doesn't have the best reputation. But I DON'T CARE. I knew what I was getting myself into when I applied. I originally got my certification to teach high school . . . that's what most Spanish teachers do. My last elementary/middle school gig was kind of a rarity. Just be glad I have a job. Shoot. I am. And I have a Master's degree now, too? Aw, shucks. Y'all don't know nothin bout this!

Come to think of it, some of the same types of people made annoying comments when they found out I was going to teach at an elite private school. They'd affectedly raise their eyebrows and say, "Ohh, Miss Private School. Too good for us now?" Just go saddown somewhere, please.

Anyway, for the next few days we're taking a little family trip to Philly for a family reunion. Isn't it ridiculous that this will be the first time I've ever been to a family reunion? Ah, well. There's a first time for everything.

I finally finished

that wretched essay, which in retrospect, wasn't really that wretched. I always do that. Procrastinate till kingdom come and then when something finally ruffles up my spirit (click here and scroll down to 3.2.231) to get things done and I do them, I realize it wasn't that bad and should have done it eons ago. I faxed it along with other final report stuff to the Rotary Foundation, and washed my hands saying, "I find no fault in these papers." (Click here for the fun of it.) Now I have to put together a pretty little PowerPoint to share my French experience with my sponsor club.

I also stopped being lazy and standoffish and called people back to chit chat and set up coffee dates.

Before I plunge into reading one of the only Jane Austen novels I haven't read yet, Persuasion (I think the only other one after that is Mansfield Park), I started formulating a little multiple choice lifemap in my head. Here are the ideas that have been juggling around, in no order of importance after my high school Spanish gig is up. Which will be the road less traveled by? (Click here)

a. Go to France and teach English for 7-9 months

b. Teach in the DoDDS system (the schools on American military bases abroad, the kinds of schools I went to back in the day)

c. Join the Foreign Service

d. Go to the Urshan Graduate School of Theology

They're like little crystal balls being juggled around in the back of my mind a la the Goblin King:

Should I do a grand expedition of going for them all and seeing where the chips fall? Or should I just relax and take things one day at a time?

I vote for the latter.

A French Memory

June 21 was a yearly all-night music festival celebrated all over France called Fête de la Musique. There are music performances all day and music played in the streets all night. I was out, laughing at the antics of my friends to the oh-so-European techno music blasting from a cafe near the river. A man walked up to me out of nowhere, startling me. He leaned in and told me in French, "Just to tell you that you are pretty." And before I had time to react, to even say thank you, he walked away. He didn't look back.

Focus, focus.

There are 3 people I need to call back who have tried to get in touch with me since I've been back. Why haven't I opened up my beat up, ghetto phone (yes, I still have the same one) to return their calls?

Why am I being lazy and standoffish and not feeling like dealing with people? No, sir. I don't want to call you back so I can come over and translate during the course of what I'm sure is going to be an awkward, money and/or living arrangements related family matter. Make that 4 people I'm supposed to call back.

I guess part of me doesn't feel like getting together with folks because I don't want to have to pay for doing lunch during a time of current financial strain, and I just end up giving banal answers to "How was France?" anyway. Plus, people I haven't seen in a while inevitably ask me about boys. And since I'd been in France for 6 months, surely there was somebo—No, really? Must we? I'm back, so if I did "meet anyone," he must not've been convincing enough for me to stay.

I'm so mean. And I still need to write this wretched essay. Oh, and I need to get a PowerPoint together to share my French experience with my sponsor club. Focus, focus.

I confess that

I cry easily, and often despairingly. Like the world is broken and irremediable and that I must bear the burden of a generational shift. Like my life is doomed to an unstable series of unfulfilling endeavors and as if every decision I make will be forever etched in stone. I cry because I never want to say goodbye. Because things always come back to "this." Because I was suddenly overcome by a maddening mix of nostalgia and melancholia. Because I wish I had never. Because I wish I had. Because of recurring interconnectedness between beauty and sadness.

I laugh easily, and often boisterously. With my head thrown back, clutching my gut. Doubled over, covering my wide-open mouth, wiping away tears. I laugh because of the simple, amusing things that parade across our lives every single day. I laugh due to old inside jokes remembered like a welcome friend. Because of absurdity that would otherwise be surreal. Because of clever puns, children's speech and conceptions of the world, spot-on impressions, the theatricality of politics, the confusion that results because of cultural and linguistic difference. I laugh when my friends label real life people and situations with literary and cinematic references. I laugh because of my brothers' exaggerated accounts of what happened when we were kids.

I'm naive. I trust easily. I'm taken in by things I consider exotic and different and foreign. I romanticize. Fetishize. I construct impossible ideals only to knowingly watch them fall apart.

I'm a critic, sometimes a cynic. I notice everything out of place. I question relentlessly. I analyze choices to the point of paralysis, oblivion.

I smile a lot and often really hard. Sometimes pictures of myself scare me because of the ability to literally count my teeth because they're that big and defined.

I'm a procrastinator. I let things build up into a time-crunched frenzy, and eventually complete the task in a tiring, unnecessary marathon, propelled by the adrenaline-rush of a looming deadline.

I always take the long way. No matter what it is, it seems like there was always a shorter, more efficient way to do what I just did or to get to where I just arrived.

Things are usually not as complicated as I make them out to be.

After all these years, I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

Return to American Life: Day 11

What am I going to do with me?

Take my pick of lifecream flavors: Double fudge teacher with high school Spanish chunks? Strawberry traveler with a wanderlust ribbon? Rocky road(s)? Birthday cake to 30 and beyond? Truffles, splits, fill-in-the-blank chocolate chip.

There are so many. But I have to savor them one at a time.

I actually had a couple of interviews today. One downtown at the main big dog mcdoggy Board of Education, and one with an individual principal at an individual high school who was "interested." In truth, I applied for an English as a Second Language (ESL) position, but I was told that they were very limited and that they always have a general posting on the website. (Read: there weren't really any ESL positions open, but they like to keep it up on the website because it looks pretty.) What they had available was teaching high school Spanish. Like Mr. Schuster on Glee.

I wanted to try something different with ESL, but I do love Spanish. And the only age that I don't have professional experience with is high school. It'll be another notch on my belt. I will be able to say I've taught at every single level. For real. I taught elementary, middle school, and university, so high school's the missing link. I will be able to say I've been all things to all men.

The principal said he was very impressed with me and said he'd think I'd be a good fit. There are a few administrative wrinkles to iron out before he can formally offer me the job, but he basically let me know he wanted me and I basically let him know I would accept. So, we'll see.

I always have my little plan. My little checklist. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. But here it is anyway:

My Future Checklist

þTeach high school Spanish for a year

þSave up money

þPay off loans

þGo back to France and teach English

So, I found this little program with the French Embassy for candidates between the ages of 20-30 to teach English in France for either a 7 or 9 month period. I'll still be on the green side of 30, I've always wanted to work abroad, I want to improve my French even more, so why not? The application process starts in October, and if I were selected, I'd find out in April.

I have decided that I just have to go out and do stuff. If it works out, it works out, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. I'm tired of being both paralyzed and driven by fear. I really am. It's an exhausting and ultimately destructive way to live. I can't let that stuff control me any longer. I refuse to.

I could take a painting class. I could take up tae kwon do again. I could take guitar lessons. I could start learning another language. I could plant an herb garden or cultivate a patch of sunflowers. I could move to another city. I could fall in love.

There are so many things I could do.

I felt really American when . . .

I ordered Starbucks through the drive-thru.

I ate Burger King for lunch and had Papa John's pizza for dinner.

I threw away a Sprite can.

My mom and I drove in separate cars to the same place.

I ate a bagel for breakfast.

I listened to NPR.

I didn't have to pay for a plastic bag and the cashier bagged the stuff at Publix.

I took a long, hot shower.

I forgot to turn off a few lights around the house.

I talked on a cell phone with a cell phone plan.

I helped the youth sell fireworks for the 4th of July.

Plunge

So, I've plunged back into my American life.

Saturday night after being picked up from the airport, I was treated to dinner at my Dad's favorite place, Golden Corral. I just hate the way it sounds. The name just gives me an image of a bunch of obese people being squeezed into an enclosed space and gorging themselves at a horse trough. My dad loves buffets. Whether it's a home cooking buffet or a Chinese buffet, my dad is there. I'm not going to front and act like I didn't tear up the fried chicken, though. I had been craving it. My French host mom didn't know nothin bout no fried chicken. Speaking of Madame, I dropped her a little line to let her know I made it back to the States safely. When the taxi came to pick me up that Saturday morning to take me and my 2 tons of luggage to the train station, old girl teared up and got me going, too. Even the taxi driver was touched. As I downed my second huge glass of sweet tea, several things hit me all at once:

1. You would NEVER get a glass that big of anything to drink in France.

2. There are no free refills in France.

3. Sweet tea is a foreign concept in France.

As I heard country music twanging in the background, observed the portly patrons help themselves to thirds, and was addressed as "baby" by the waiter, I felt baptized in the corn syrup sweetness that is the South, and felt as close to home as I probably ever would. On the airplane on the way over the Atlantic, I sat next to a rusty old man and he asked, "Where are you coming from and where are you going?" I told him I had finished a 6-month stay in France and was headed to be with my family in Alabama. "You're from the South?" he asked, astonished. "Well, you sure don't sound like it." I then proceeded to recount an abridged version of the story of my life to account for my lack of a Southern accent.

Anytime I told a French person I was from Alabama, most of them would say Oui, like the song "Sweet Home Alabama"! Yeah, like that. Then they'd proceed to ask if people were racist there. T'yeah. People are racist everywhere. (Even in France!) But I didn't say that.

Sunday was Church McChurchy, and I was asked to give a testimony. "Praise the Lord, Gloria a Dios, and now I can say Gloire au Seigneur!" I gloated.

I headed up to Birmingham to see my bestest friend. We had our Celie/Nettie reunion:

I had my first Stateside Starbucks with her. Awww. It was a tall iced white chocolate mocha with whip. I felt so American ordering it. Even more so at the drive-thru. There aren't drive-thrus in France. The closest I saw was a walk-up outside window at the McDo in town.

So I've had a mother-daughter day of pedicures and brother-sister movie night, but today, today, I was a woman on a mission. Today, stuff was getting done. Today, things were getting checked off of my checklist. Today, I was handlin that bidness and scored a job interview for an ESL teaching position on Tuesday!

I wish I would have spent a lot less time worrying about what to do once I got back. God is like, "I got this." Why is it so hard for me to believe that He really is in control?

Au revoir, la France!

So . . . this is my last post from the Hexagon. No, they literally refer to their country as l'Hexagone from time to time. I'm not making it up. They also use re-composed English phonemes to make anglicized French neologisms such as relooking. The French word for 'makeover.'

It's late. I'm looking forward to going home, but at the same time, I spent a lot of tears today. I thought I got my crying over with this morning, but tonight, as I looked out upon the Loire, it happened again. Friends trying to cheer me up. Facebook promises.

I know. It's just the fact of saying goodbye. It's just the knowledge of returning to a life where my contradictions will appear more stark. It's the feeling of yearning for something I thought I already had.

I must say goodbye to France. Not France itself necessarily, (because I plan to come back) but I must say goodbye to this particular French experience. If I say goodbye to it, that means I acknowledge its existence. And if I acknowledge it, I must swallow it whole. No whitewashing out the down times. No cutting out the bruises from an otherwise pristine apple. All things work together for my good.

Until I reach the other side of the ocean, where my blog will be re-baptized in the name of Where You Can Find Me . . .

U-S-A! U-S-A!

We made it to the finals!

U.S. and England through to last 16 of World Cup

I really have been proud of us for playing some decent football. Usually, we're super nul. But I'm quite pleased with the way my countrymen have been hanging in there.

Once we start caring about soccer, next thing you know we'll be using Celsius and the metric system.

That's My Boy

I've steered clear of political stuff for a long time, but I just have to give a shout out to my boy for making BP pay up for their mismanaged catastrophe.

Here's a quotation from Rahm Emmanuel (still my cabinet crush) from this NYT article which sums it up for me:

Mr. Obama clearly sees his presidency as far more than a bully pulpit — he has cast himself as a last line of defense against market excesses that take many different forms. “In the past, corporate America was not only at the table, they owned the table and the chairs around it,” Mr. Obama’s combative chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, said in an interview Thursday. “Obama doesn’t start off confrontational, but he will be confrontational if there is resistance to the notion that there are other equities.”

He doesn't start off confrontational, but he will be. Aw, shucks! In other words, Obama will clown on you if you get crazy. So don't get crazy.

I've been thinking . . .

Time is winding down. Spain lost today. That was a bummer. At least I got a few good glimspes of Casillas.

A striking Swedish friend into photography did an exposition of her work. I was one of the models involved for the portrait pictures. It was rather humbling to see my face blown up on a screen, but I didn't worry about it because it wasn't about the imperfections of my face or size of my teeth, but about her work. It really turned out lovely. Ronsard poems, roses, music. It brought me to tears. I was so proud of her. I felt like I was a part of something bigger than myself. Something that will forever mark my time here in an inexplicable way.

I know. 'Bittersweet' has echoed around this blog long before now. It's a cliché. But it's true. I'm ready to go back. It's time to go back. But any time you go, you also leave behind. There are things that must be left behind. There are others that I'm reluctant to.

These past 6 months have marked me in a way I haven't really been able to express in this blog. I'm only humanly able to offer glimpses, impressions. I'm only comfortably able to reveal the surface. Words are never enough.

Maybe that's why the pictures moved me so. They communicated a wordless truth. They represented those moments of recognition words aren't fit for.

There will be no next time. Yes, I can always come back to France. It isn't going anywhere. Yes, I can stay in touch with people I've bonded with. I can even go visit them. I can take another course at the Institut one day. But I will never be in this place, in this time in my life, with these people, ever again. It is a unique, temporary experience. It was always meant to be. There will be no next time.

But I've been thinking. The million dollar question now is what I'm going to do when I get back to the States. Undoubtedly, the answer is that I'm going to get a job, hopefully teaching again, and pay down my debts. But what about after that? What do I really want to do?

I want to do what I love. I love teaching and I love traveling. Once I get my stuff together, I want to travel to another country to work as a teacher. I think I may even spend my life scouring the globe. Sell my car, sell all the stuff I have in storage, and go.

I still wrestle with feelings of rootlessness. Of yearning for home. I still get frustrated with the fact that I've never fit in. Never permanently and never comfortably. But slowly, like a down feather stroke, I'm coming to terms with the idea that that's okay. Maybe God doesn't want me to be comfortable. Maybe I was never meant to find home. Not here on this Earth. And if being an itinerant teacher is where my passion, ability and purpose collide, then so be it.

Those Americans

One more Sunday. I have 2 more weeks left. How can you possibly sum up 6 months of life? How can you even begin? Like, when I get back to the States and someone asks, "How was France?" how am I going to even be able to begin to answer?

June began the month of the Americans. A horde of Americans have literally descended upon the Insitut. I was afraid of a bunch of them invading my class. After my buddy from Louisiana left, I was the only American in my class and I wanted it to stay that way. I wanted to be unique. Much to my chagrin, an American guy did join us, but I've since forgiven him because he's cool and speaks French like a pro.

I have 3 new American roommates. They're really sweet, and they make a really good effort to speak French. At first, I was kind of wary because I didn't want to be inundated with "Omigawd" and expectations of my translating everything Madame said because "I, like, totally don't understand." But it hasn't been that way at all.

Au contraire, a lot of the other American kids at the Insitut annoy the stew out of me. They stand around in little anglophone clusters talking about banal fratboy exploits the night before/complaining about their host families/saying "omigawd, like" and chugging down all the carbonated drinks in the vending machines. And when they do speak French, their accents suck. I hate hearing them speak French because I know that's what I sound like when I speak French, and it's depressing.

I guess I need to cut them some slack. About 8 years ago, that was me, with my little American summer program group in Spain. Back when all I cared about was a boy named Jorge. I guess I'm just older now and I've been in France too long and have appropriated some of the legendary French arrogance.

I've been into World Cup soccer. Soccer being one of those things that everyone else in the world except the United States is into. Like the metric system. I can tell you that Thierry Henry is the star of the French team. I know that Ronaldo is Portugal's star. I can tell you that Rooney is England's soccer hero. And that's just from watching a few matches and Nike commercials. But who's the hotshot on the American team? Bof! I have to admit it was awesome seeing the US score a goal on England the other night, though. It was more because of an English error than American prowess, but hey, that's the game. Take that, colonizers! We re-declared independence on you up in there!

Here a few links to photo albums to show you all the fun I've been having lately:

Concert and hanging with friends

Villandry

Enjoy!

A Lot of Loveliness Lately

The title is for all my alliteration fans out there.

Friday afternoon after class, I took a melancholy stroll to my favorite garden park. I found a shady spot under a tree and ate my lunch while observing the swans dip their graceful necks into the water. I perused old journal entries, ruefully smiling and trying to suppress the inevitable tears that welled up as I studied the shimmering ripples the wind cast upon the lake. On my way out, I happened upon the hispanophone clique and was invited to stay a spell. Colombians + 1 Spaniard. They jokingly called him el colonizador. The colonizer. Afterward, I met up with an adventurous Aussie, and we ran for the bus (and caught it) to get to the Prieuré de Saint-Cosme, built in the 11th century, and known for its bewildering variety of roses. Click here to partake of the loveliness of that day.

Saturday I took a day trip to Paris with a Norwegian and Japanese friend. I felt like a link in a globalization chain. While they went apartment hunting, I went to the Centre Georges Pompidou to examine the bizarre world of contemporary art housed there. I don't know why I like it so much. It's so amusing to me the weird, self-obsessive things people do in the name of art. For example, I saw this dress. It looks like it's made out scraps of dried leather or something, right?

If you notice, there's a small picture in the background to the left, showing what the dress looked like when it originally debuted. Imagine my disgust when I looked closer at the picture and realized it was this:

A dress made out of raw meat. I was disgusted, but I found myself smiling and tears of mirth sprang to my eyes. Really? That someone would go to those lengths to make an artistic statement. The absurdity of it is just amusing to me. Here are some quotations I found of artists explaining the motivation of their work. This was right beside a video of a lady shooting up her previously painted canvasses:

If you can't read it, it says, "In 1961, I shot at canvasses because shooting allowed me to express the aggression that I felt. An assassination without a victim. I shot because I liked seeing the canvas bleed and die. I shot to reach that magical instant, that ecstasy. It was a moment of truth. I trembled with passion when I shot at my paintings."

I laughed out loud. Really?! I know I'm dramatic. Perhaps melodramatic. But I wanted to collapse in a fit of giggles when I read that. I mean, come on. Here's another one that made my day:

I just felt like telling Christine Delphy, girl, saddown. Okay, it's like a circular argument. Stop saying universalism exists because it doesn't exist yet because people keep saying that it does. So, the only thing left to do is denounce the false universalism that does exist, or rather the universalism that "exists" but really doesn't because the real universalism is being held back because people are saying that it exists. LOL! I love this kind of stuff. It will have me rollin all day.

Anyway, after I got my fill of weirdness, I headed over to the Le cimetière du Père-Lachaise to see Oscar Wilde's tomb. I was shocked to see how defaced it was. I wanted to summon Lord Henry from The Picture of Dorian Gray to give all of the idiots who did this a proper tongue lashing:

Of course, I couldn't resist taking yet another stroll around Montmartre. Nothing beats eating a Nutella crepe while overlooking the city from the top of the steps in front of the Sacre Coeur. On my way to the Metro to get to the train station to catch the train back to Tours, I stopped in a most adorable cupcake shop and got a box of 6 to take home. The guy behind the counter was adorable, too. While explaining the different flavors, when he got to an Americanized flavor like carrot cake or red velvet cake or Oreo cookie, he was like, "Of course, you know zees one." (French people can't pronounce the 'th' very well.) Ah, Paris.

"Paris was always a good idea, you said." - Linus Larrabee

Splendid

Today started out with the cute as shiny buttons boy my host mom watches during the day. He toddled in wearing a hat too big for him, right above a baby tooth-filled smile.

My procrastinated upon presentation on culture shock went over better than prevu. I have to admit I was quite flattered by my professor's compliments afterward.

I got my favorite sandwich from the orange boulangerie down the street. It really is divine. It's a chicken sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes and mayo on a baguette. But it's just the way the chicken is seasoned. The lettuce and tomatoes are always fresh and there's just the right amount of mayo.

I went to my lovely garden park with a fresh-faced Swedish friend, and we lazed in the sunshine, watching jugglers, eating pistachio pastry, and speaking of poetry and post-France plans.

I did another Rotary presentation.

I ate a bowl of cherries.

My day in a slideshow collage:

This is my life, my friend

24 days left in this land of melancholic European wonder.

I've been obsessed with Eurovision songs. Sweden didn't make it to the finals, but I don't know why. It's been my theme song of late. Enjoy!

I must write something

but I can't write anything linear, cohesive. The only things that come to me are scattered remembrances, like a beam of white light shot into a kaleidoscope of color through a prism.

I've discovered a park. Oh, if only I'd discovered it earlier. It is divine. I purposely sit in the sun. I've never gotten sunburn in my life. I want the sun to bake me into a deep golden brown. Gingerbread. I laugh at my journal scribblings of yesteryear. Those times when my principal worry was comprehensive exams. When I fancifully imagined I'd meet someone here and get back to the States in time to plan an August wedding. Mirth.

On the way out, crunching my ballet flats against pebbles, a middle-aged Frenchman wearing a wife-beater and a Panama hat called out Bonjour, Mademoiselle! La vie est belle, n'est-ce pas? Life is beautiful, isn't it? Oui, I smiled. La vie est belle.

The girls had a Eurovision-thon Saturday night. Norway won last year, so the contest was held in Oslo. (Think the American Idol of Europe. Sort of.) We gorged ourselves on blinis and salmon and cheese and gave each country's performance our own 1-12 score. We all got up and danced for France and we all gave it a 12:

My straight-laced host mother later admitted to watching some of the show and said she was truly ashamed of France's performance. Ha!

The Armenia song was one of my favorites. The song would not leave my head:

I've got a couple more Rotary presentations coming up, and an oral presentation coming up. I'm going to do it on culture shock. I've had enough culture shocking experiences to be able to talk knowledgeably about it, I think.

Whoops.

Aaack! I've been such a slacker.

This puppy is winding up and winding up fast. I have less than a month left.

(sigh.) Where to begin?

I have pictures to share here. (Complete with captions for your explanatory pleasure.)

I'll write more when I'm in a less scattered state of mind.

Today was a sunshine day.

It was. It was all smiles.

Sunshine and class discussion and not caring how my wavy afro hair blew in the wind.

It was a newly discovered park day. Statues and fountains and flowers and mothers with strollers and mysterious middle aged men doing tai chi in the shadows. Journaling in the sun. Picking up train ticket stubs and museum ticket stubs and photobooth pictures and old notes that fell out. Pebbles. Not wanting to move. Wanting the world to stand still and wanting the sun to warm me forever.

Lunch at the Resto U. All of us from everywhere. Teasing the Canadian guy for how he says "about" and "out" and "been" and "bag" and "thorough." All of us speaking French in our respective accents.

Homework in the sun. Watching an improvised game of volleyball. Walking down a cobblestoned street to meet my Norwegian friend for the European culture activity she was involved in. She quizzed French people on the streets. Do you know the capital of Norway? None of them did.

Goat cheese flavored snack crackers and gummi alligators I bought from the grocery store that charges you for a plastic bag. I put them in my bookbag.

A quick round in the garden right outside the Musee des Beaux Arts. Pigtailed little girls. Lovers entwined on a bench. Old men making their caned way.

I have to take every day like this. Enjoy it for what is. Accept it as a gift.

Funny Story

So, while in Paris, I went to this colorful, noisy, jam-packed open-air market. I bought a half-kilo of cherries and went my way, eating and discreetly spitting out the pits. I was accosted by this crusty old dude who was asking for 10 centimes for a cup of coffee. Really? I'm not going to stop in the middle of this overflow of humanity, dig out my wallet and give you anything.

I told him "Sorry," and kept walking. He started following me and was like, "Please, just 10 cents isn't much, you can't give me that? I just want a cup of coffee." I shook my head and kept walking.

But here's the funny part. Then he was like, "Ha, ha, that's just a joke. I actually want to invite you to have a cup of coffee with me." What?! You go from begging me for 10 cents to trying to ask me out for coffee? Is this some kind of a new pick-up tactic? I wanted to stop and howl with laughter, but I said, "No, leave me alone," and kept walking. All around us were stalls with merchandise, and he was like, "Please, you can choose anything you want and I'll buy it for you." I mean, really? Trying hard not to laugh at the increasing absurdity of the situation, I just kept going. He eventually gave up. Thank God.

Anytime I need a laugh, I'll think of the beggar-turned-player at the open-air market in Paris.

Paris, Going Back

Wow. That went by fast. I'm leaving to go catch the train back to Tours in about an hour.

I always do a lot of reflection on train rides, watching the landscape speed by from my window seat.

Sometimes I think if I can just get back to the US, I can get back to being myself.

There's a poem a friend of mine wrote a long time ago when we were in undergrad. For some reason, she didn't like it very much, but I loved it. It's simply about taking a nap in the afternoon. There's a poignant line from it that has stayed with me for a very long time:

"God, wake me when things are changed."

It's beautiful and honest and somewhat sad. It's the recognition that we need God. That we desire things to change. That we need God to change them. But they can't change on their own, not the things within our power. For that, we have to be awake.