Meat on My Bones or Making Sense

This is not going to be another slight weight gain rant, but people keep saying stuff, for real.  Was I that skinny before?  C'mon.

Anyway, I'm thinking about some other stuff now.  I know this might not make sense, but I'm going to try to explain it.  And maybe I can make it make sense to myself in the process.

You know how there are people other people think you should be with?  Those other people are people with good intentions.  Those other people think you should be with particular people because it makes sense.  And I'm not even talking about the racial "sense" that crops up more often than not in the South.  I'm saying common sense.  Look, he's young, living for God, educated, stable, talented . . . why not?  I know.  Really, I know.  But while other people ask "Why not?" I ask, "Why?"

I don't have anything against them.  But neither do I have anything for them.  Do you know what I mean?

And part of me feels badly because it would make so much sense for me to be "open minded" and just be with them, but I can't because I'm too weird/picky/just not feeling them.

Mind you, perhaps some have tried, yet, because of my finicky ways, they got shot down.  But perhaps some haven't even tried though they've had ample opportunity.  And for the latter situation, what makes you (rather, those other people who think I should just "be open" to them) think they are even interested enough to want to try?

To be fair, I have been on the other end of the stick.  A person who "made sense" for someone else, but was ultimately turned down.  Not for any personal defect, I've come to realize, but just because.  It made sense, but that was about it.  I get it.

But sometimes I wonder if my aversion, if you will, to the people who make sense is as a result of other people wanting me to be with them.  Like, I subconsciously don't want to be with them simply because of the very idea of other people thinking that I should.  Oh, boy.

But here's another little twist.  What about people who don't necessarily make sense, who other people wouldn't necessarily encourage me to be open to, but who meet all of the allowable criteria (faith, education, stability) and who (and this is what gives it a twist) are trying to holla at me and (here's what gives it another twist) who I might consider?

Well, what's the problem there? you may ask.  I know.  Sigh.  I know.  It's just that then I find myself kind of shutting them down, too because part of me feels like, dude, really?  Like, since it doesn't "make sense" for them to even try to talk to me, I subconsciously give them a hard time because I know they wouldn't be considered ideal by the other people with good intentions, and maybe even to me.  Like, what makes him think he's my kind of guy or that I'm his kind of girl?

Who cares about what other people think?  you may ask.  In my mind, I don't care.  But in reality, I do.

Sometimes I feel like my choices are 1. guy who makes sense but isn't particularly attractive (not looks-wise, necessarily, but just to me in general) or 2. guy who's interested and perhaps interesting but doesn't seem would be a good fit and I'm too hesitant to find out if he actually would.

Why can't there just be a guy who makes sense AND is interesting to me? It would make me feel so much more comfortable.  If other people were like, "he would be perfect" and I felt like, "I like this guy" at the same time.

I know, kind of crazy and self-psychoanalytical.  I'm probably making things much more difficult and convoluted than they really need to be.  But this is my brain, and this is how it works.  What can I say?

Passive-Aggressive Rant: Weight Edition

Dear people feeling it necessary to comment on my slight weight gain,

Ya'll are bringing out the tae kwon do in me.  For real, ya'll are making me want to right-hand strike folks in the throat and snap kick people in the gut.  You're bringing all of the moves I learned all the way back to the forefront of my mind.

I'm reasonable.  Look, I know that perhaps I used to be a stick, so any bit of weight I gain is noticeable.  I understand that.  I know you're not implying that I'm getting fat or that I'm overweight.  I get it.  Maybe even, in your old school minds, commenting that I've gained a bit of weight is some Southern version of a compliment.  I understand. But let me break something down for you:

First of all, most people who gain weight already know.  You know why?  Because they're THEM.  Do you know what I mean?  Guess who the first person who noticed that they gained weight was?  THEMSELVES.

Second of all, since when was it hunky dory to tell a grown woman she's put on some weight?  Or worse yet, to ask, "Have you put on some weight?" with a smile.  Do you really think that is a question I'm going to answer with a bubbly giggle?  Especially when you ask it within the earshot of several other people?

Third of all, sit back.  I'm still what most would consider on the thin side.  I still wear a size 4.  Yeah, I said it.   I WEAR A SIZE 4!  So stop acting like I've gone up three dress sizes or something.  Geez.

I don't know what it will take for you to realize that commenting upon my little bit of extra junk is not cool.  It's not.  It's not cool, it's not hot, it's not cute, it's not the business, and it's certainly not any of YO business. I'm young, I'm cute, and I wear a size 4.  Boom!  So, chill out.

Sincerely,

Me

On Confidence

Confidence, or the lack thereof, has been one of my big issues.  In fact, the decisions I've made, the things I think about myself and others . . . almost everything can be traced back to the idea of confidence.

First, let me back up and talk about a couple of moments I've had recently.

1. My guitar instructor is moving away.  Nooooo!  It took everything in me not to out and out cry in front of the poor man during our last lesson.  I reined it in and simply teared up a little bit.  Good me.  Like, I understand that he's doing what God has called him to do, and he's doing what's best for his family.  This awesome opportunity opened up for him, and why shouldn't he take it?  But I couldn't shake the sense that I was being somehow abandoned.  Like, it hasn't even been quite a year since I started learning the guitar, and I've come so far with him.  I'd gotten used to him and his teaching style, he's very familiar with the type of music that I'm interested in . . . it's like, I've just gotten started and now you're moving on bigger and better things?

2. Another friend of mine is moving to another country for a year to work.  Noooo!  I know he's bummed by having to leave his family behind for this gig, but he's doing his thing, moving on, enriching his resume, doing what he has to do to provide for his family.  I'm totally there with him.  I'm happy for him.  But again, I feel left behind.  Like, happy, but at the same time, somehow unsettled that positive, exciting change is happening to people around me.

3. Going to the doctor for annoying things that get on my nerves and make me feel insecure.  No need to go into detail, and nothing serious in the least bit, but sometimes it just makes me want to cry.  Why can't myself just be a normal self?

4. Babies.  I've fallen in love with my professor's gorgeous child, and apparently, he's pretty taken with me, too.  Beautiful eyes and long lashes and curly hair and dimples.  I went over to read him Green Eggs and Ham.  In Spanish.  ("Sam-I-am" becomes "Juan Ramón."  It had to rhyme with jamón.)  He was snuggly and sweet and cute and I just wanted to tear up.  My professor is amazing, only 3 years my senior and is this ridiculous genius with a career, husband and kid.  I'm going to see a good friend next week who also has a ridiculously cute little boy.  I have another friend with twinsies on the way.  Again, I have this overwhelming feeling of happiness that I'm being included in these children's lives in some way.  I'm glad that I'm a part of so many families.  But this tiny little "left behind" bug keeps buzzing.  Reminding me that one day my biological clock's alarm is going to go off and hitting the snooze button isn't an option.

I admit these insecurities because I realize that it boils down to confidence.  The reason I feel left behind or insecure or unsettled by what I'm experiencing and what others are experiencing is because I'm not confident about where I am, who I am, and my place in life.  It's really that simple.

I have to constantly take time to reaffirm my station.  My identity in Christ.  To own who I am.  All my irregularities, idiosyncrasies, and tendencies to cry. To be comfortable in this skin, in this state, and in this place where I've been planted for this season.

God is not going to give me a by on trusting Him.  He's not going to let me off the hook not trusting that He's a God of His Word.  Not being confident in what He's doing with me.  I must solidify the knowledge of His sovereignty and my fitness for His work.  My existence, as is, is worthy, appropriate and fitting, because it's being orchestrated by Him.  I have to let that nugget sink in, and step up to the plate.

We got issues.

"Issues" as a term is a little played out, but not to Christians.  We got issues.  Heaven and Hell ones, that is.

I was thinking about the concept of "Heaven and Hell issues" today when I finally quit playing and decided to heed my pastor's wife's call  for me to join the church choir.  Of course, there's the obligatory "commitment form."  Y'all know what I'm talking about.  Let me be clear, I have 100% no problem with signing a commitment form.  I think it's a good idea.  People need to be held accountable, they need to be aware of expectations, and they need to be in one accord with the teachings of a particular church if they are committing themselves to serving at that church, especially in such a public manner.

But I couldn't help but inwardly smile when she assured me that she doesn't feel these are all "Heaven and Hell issues."  In other words, "I don't think everyone has to do all of these things to get to Heaven."  I know, sister, I know.  I got you.

But like I said, it got me to thinking.  It got me to thinking about why we even feel the need to delineate things as Heaven or Hell issues or not in the first place.

I thought of this amazing analogy.  Okay, we have (we're supposed to have) a relationship with God, right? Okay, so what if you got married (maybe you already are, so this analogy will be even more powerful) and your man was like, "Hey, sweetheart, would you divorce me if I left the toilet seat up?"  And then you'd laugh, and say, "No, honey, how ridiculous!  I love you.  Why would you even ask that?"  And then the next day he was like, "Hey, babe, would you divorce me if I left my clothes in a pile on the floor?"  And you'd be like, "No, sweetie!  I would never divorce you over something that insignificant."  And what if the next day he asked, "Honey, would you divorce me if I forgot your birthday, our anniversary, and didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day?"  Now, you're starting to get a little worried.  This time you'd reply, "Baby, I don't think any of those things are bad enough to want to get a divorce over.  I could see if you cheated on me or abused me or did something else that broke our marriage vows, but . . . I don't understand.  Why do you want to know what it would take for me to divorce you?"  And what if he answered, "Because I love you, and I don't want to lose you, so I don't want to do whatever it is that would make you want to get a divorce."  And then you get really worried, because you realize how backwards that sounds. You get a little defensive and reply, "Well, if you loved me, then why wouldn't you want to know what it would take for me to want to stay with you?  To want to be with you all the time?  Why wouldn't you want to know what it is that would make me happy?  What you could do to please me?  What you could do that would bring us closer?"

Imagine that.  If you had a husband who said he loved you, but really only cared about not doing anything that would make you want a divorce.  I mean, what?  He's not doing anything wrong.  He's not breaking your wedding vows.  He's not neglecting you or abusing you or cheating on you or anything.  So, what's the problem?

I think that sometimes Christians are the husband in this analogy and the wife is God.  It's not exact, of course, and I know it's kind of crazy since God is always described in masculine terms, but I think it fits in this case.

All the "standards" I uphold are not salvific.  I get it.  But if you tell me that how I live my life doesn't matter, I respectfully disagree.  What "matters"?  That me and God are cool as long as I'm not violating his Word?

There is nothing I can do, in my human ability, to make God love me more.  There is nothing I can do, in my humanity, to earn His grace.  That's why it's called grace.  Because it's given to someone undeserving of it; it's bestowed upon someone without them having earned it.  But that doesn't mean that setting myself apart for His glory by my appearance, activities and behavior is therefore deemed irrelevant. If our commitment to Him is based on "Heaven or Hell issues," I think we need to reevaluate what it means to be in a relationship with Him.

The Power of One, Round Two

Me at a Singles' conference.  Lord, how far I've come.

Many times I look back at what I used to think and feel pained.  But sometimes I look back and smile.  What's funny are the times that I was innocently misguided or too headstrong for my own good.  So fiercely sure, so passionately staid, but at the same time, so insecure.  "I-will-never's" use to flow so unironically from  my mouth.  I can see how I blocked myself into a frustrating box.  I can see how I clamored to get out, how I outrageously "freed" myself from it, not realizing that it was totally self-imposed.

At a little get-together with some friends in my program, I met a guy from Chile who was also a public high school teacher for a time in his own country, and who is now getting his PhD, prompted by similar circumstances I experienced.  We were in stitches at the black comedy of it all.  Es gracioso, pero es triste. It's funny, but it's sad.  But we kept laughing.  That's sometimes how I feel about where God has brought me, and what I've experienced in order to finally see what He's been trying to show me all along.

In the wake of a conference, you're high on Jesus crack.  You know that you can conquer the world for God.  Purpose, direction, revelation, and ooh, girl, I LOVE this song and you grab your tambourine and play it like your life depended on it.  But what matters is what you do when you get back.  When you wake up on Monday morning and are greeted by the steady sound of the air blowing out of your A/C units.

It was a Singles' conference, yes.  But I went last year.  And if it had turned out to be the Singles' conference that lurked in the shadows down the corridors of my fears, I would not have returned.  But return I did.  Here are a few things that I know I need to remember:

1. You are not your own.  My attitude about where I am right now used to be so wrong.  "Yeah.  It's not like this is what I've always wanted to do, but here I am.  I guess you could kind of say I ended up here.  But I'm cool with it."  Um, excuse me, you didn't just "end up" here.  How dare you imply that the breath of God blew you down this path like a tumbleweed?  He very specifically placed you where you are, and not so that you could be "cool with it."  In fact, it has much less to do with your level of "coolness" with your life station, and much more to do with His glory.  You are fulfilling a godly purpose right now, not merely trying to work yourself up to "being content" in spite of everything.  I had to get my mind right about that one.  I am in preparation mode, and it should not be taken lightly or flippantly.  What I am doing right now is equipping me to bring glory to Him.  

2. God is not expecting you to do something you are not equipped to do.  We totally make things more complicated than they need be.  Fulfilling our purpose in life is not some ultra-spiritual, esoteric formula that you have to fast 40 days and 40 nights in order to receive the key to.  It's as simple as sharing with others what God has given you.  He's not going to ask you to do something you aren't able to do.  He's not expecting you to complete a task that you don't already have to tools to complete it with.  When Jesus fed the 5,000 it was because a boy gave up his lunch.  Not because a boy did 50 spiritual incantations, did a series of acrobatic contortions and doused every soul with a spirit of double anointing.  He simply gave what he had.  That's all God is asking us to do. Give unto others what He's given to you.

3. There is therefore now NO condemnation. Stop condemning yourself.  Do you think God is surprised by our human frailty?  Stop working yourself up over things God has long since forgiven you for, and stop using it as an excuse to stay on the sidelines.  

4. God has not given us the spirit of fear.  When you are fearful, you have no confidence in God, and when you have no confidence in God, you have no confidence in yourself, and when you have no confidence in yourself, you effectively make yourself unavailable for God to use.  "Hey, God, you know all that work for Your kingdom I'm supposed to be doing?  Well, I'm scared, inept, incapable and inferior, so You're going to have to find someone else."  That's what you're telling God when you allow fear to immobilize you.  I refuse to give in to it any longer.

5. To whom much is given, much is required.  Stop wishing for some fantasy of a "regular life." Girl, your life has been un-regular since day one.  Stop looking at that fact as a liability.  As some kind of strain of weirdoitis for which you're still searching for the cure.  Own your uniqueness.  Own who you are.  Own the fact that there is a reason God has brought you down a unique path.  Since God has given you many gifts, you're going to have to continue to make many more sacrifices, do much more waiting and do much more work.  You already know it's not going to be easy, so you can stop acting surprised about that. You can also stop acting like it's some kind of cosmic punishment. God is going to be right there, and you aren't going to have to do it alone.  

6. He knows the way that I take. Essentially, God's got this.  He's got you.  You really don't have anything to worry about.  Unless you want to.  And you know how fun worrying is.  For God's sake, stop reading those articles about the dismal statistics concerning the personal lives of educated black women.  Stop thinking you haven't done something right, or that there's some magic thing you have to do.  Think back to all the times you tried to do stuff on your own.  Yeah, that's what I thought.

7. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is in you. Kind of self-explanatory.  God has invested you with His Spirit.  You literally possess all you need.  Step out in confidence in the power God has bestowed upon you.  

My friends and I stayed in Memphis for service on Sunday.  There was a tongues and interpretation right before we left.  This phrase sums everything up: "Try me, and I will reward your faith."  What an encouraging promise.  If we step out in faith, God is going to back that faith up with His power.  

And yes, for the record, a couple of folks did try to holla.  It was a Singles' conference, after all.