17 days.
I went to one of our favorite coffee spots with my fiancé yesterday and ran into one of my old students. No, not one of my old students since I've been teaching in my current program, but one of my students from my very first teaching job. When I taught her, she was in middle school. Now she's graduating from undergrad, is about to start a grad program at another school and is getting married a mere year after I am. Did you hear me? One of my former MIDDLE SCHOOL students is now going to grad school and getting married. Encountering her brought on this strange, contradictory mix of feelings: I felt super old, I felt like I had come a long way since the years of my first teaching job, yet I also felt like somewhat of a late bloomer. All these years and you're still in school? You're finally getting married, wow, can you believe it? In some ways, I feel like I've been precocious throughout my life, and in other ways, I feel like I've been the last to arrive. This funny thing called life.
I never anticipated how ambivalent I would feel about having a wedding ceremony. By extension, I never anticipated how ambivalent I would feel about the idea of getting married itself.
I was talking to my very good friend who's been there and done that and she said that sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself a few questions to remind yourself of why you're making/you've made whatever decision to stop the ambivalence from overwhelming you.
Do you want to have a ceremony?
Answer: yes
Even though I have justice of the peace fantasies, even now, I've convinced myself that ultimately, this ceremony is going to be worth it. It is going to be a rare moment where the people most important to us in our lives are going to be there, all together. It's going to be stressful, I know...I mean, it already is, but I'm going to be glad that I shared this time with everyone and I'm thankful that so many people have gone out of their way and made sacrifices to come and celebrate with us.
Do you want to be married?
Answer: yes
I've always wanted to share my life with someone. It wasn't so long ago that I sometimes struggled with loneliness. I learned how to cope with it and I think I even got used to it, but every once in a while, I would be reminded that having a life partner was something I longed for. I also have always wanted to have a family, and having and raising children is not something I've ever dreamed of doing without a husband.
Do you want to marry your fiancé?
Answer: yes
I love my fiancé, and he meets my needs. He loves me the way I've always dreamed of being loved by someone, he is Spirit-filled and committed to being a part of the church together, he wants to have a family, and he is willing to try. Of course, there are many other qualities about him that are positive and many other things about us both which bring us together, but the things I mentioned are the necessary ones in order for me to commit to someone and stay committed to them for life.
(Sigh.) Everything is happening so fast. I think everything will have to just happen, and then I will take time to reflect on it so I can process it all. It's just difficult to completely process things right now.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Repondez, S'il Vous Plait
R.S.V.P. A common abbreviation for the French repondez, s'il vous plait. Often used within the context of event planning, a common courtesy asked of those invited to "respond," indicating to the event planner whether said invitee is attending.
Literally: Respond, if it pleases you.
Naturally: Respond, if you please.
Commonly: Respond, please.
Chantell-ly: For the love of God, let me know BEFORE the RSVP deadline whether you're coming to my wedding so that I can rent the right amount chairs and have the right amount of food. I certainly don't want to be short of chairs, space or food, but neither do I want to spend more than I actually need to on chairs, space or food.
So, the RSVP deadline was April 15. And, yes, I am about to get Bridezilly and ranty because this junk gets on my nerves.
To be fair, I get it. My wedding is not the center of the universe, and people have lives and people get busy and people forget. The RSVP deadline was on April 15, after all. I'm sure folks who were waiting till the last minute, as we all so often do, were more concerned about how much they might get back from Uncle Sam than whether there'd be enough salmon pinwheels for them to snack on after my ceremony. I get it. I do.
For example, a professor of ours who was invited desired to come, but when she tried to register herself and her guest via our website and found she couldn't because it was the day of the deadline, she let us know and we gladly added her. That, I get. A mentor of mine who has assured me she was coming, told me about the dress she bought for it and told me about the tie she bought for her son did not RSVP personally on the website, but since I knew she was coming, I registered her and her family myself. That, I also get.
This is what I don't get: People who have said BUPKIS to me, not via text, not via email, not via FB message, not via any means of communication and then when my dear mother (bless her heart) emails you (subject line: "Failure to RSVP") to verify, you respond, "Yes, we're planning on attending." WHAT? Who is "we"? How many of you are "we"? When were you planning to let anybody know? Vague as heck after-the-fact responders. This is what I don't get: People who have RSVPed as soon as the invitation hit your mailbox, then you found out later that you and your guest(s) wouldn't be able to make it after all, but you say BUPKIS to me and just mention it to my mom in passing. NOT COOL. Here's what else I don't get: People who told me to my face you wouldn't be able to make it all apologetic, then a couple of days after the RSVP deadline, you just happen to run into my parents talking about some, "Oh, we're going to make it after all!" NAWL.
I love my people. I love my family. I love my church family. I love my friends. I love y'all. For real. I want you to come to my wedding. I do. If I didn't want you to come, I wouldn't have invited you. But folks out here in these streets treating my wedding like a potluck at Ebenezer Baptist Church somewhere your grandmama and auntie go to every 5th Sunday. No, ma'am. I say no to this. I say seet yo'self down to this. I say all the nawls to this. I rebuke the spirit of repondez s'il vous plait negligence in Jaysus name! Just let a sista know. That's all I ask. Let a sista know. And not the day of.
It just frustrates me that people do not get what all goes into planning a wedding. People don't have a concept of what it means to be less than a month away from The Big Day and needing to turn in final numbers to your caterers and rental places. People can't grasp the fact that we're also doing 1 million other things and part of the reason we set the RSVPs up the way we did is so that we didn't have to keep track of who said they were coming and who didn't and whose cousin can't make it and all of that rigmarole because WE DON'T HAVE TIME. Both of us are planning a wedding smack dab in the middle of PhD programs at the end of the semester. Ain't nobody got time for that. Nobody understands that.
But one day they or one of their kids will have to plan a wedding, too...then it'll dawn on them. But I get that too. Some things you can't understand until you are staring it dead in the face.
Literally: Respond, if it pleases you.
Naturally: Respond, if you please.
Commonly: Respond, please.
Chantell-ly: For the love of God, let me know BEFORE the RSVP deadline whether you're coming to my wedding so that I can rent the right amount chairs and have the right amount of food. I certainly don't want to be short of chairs, space or food, but neither do I want to spend more than I actually need to on chairs, space or food.
So, the RSVP deadline was April 15. And, yes, I am about to get Bridezilly and ranty because this junk gets on my nerves.
To be fair, I get it. My wedding is not the center of the universe, and people have lives and people get busy and people forget. The RSVP deadline was on April 15, after all. I'm sure folks who were waiting till the last minute, as we all so often do, were more concerned about how much they might get back from Uncle Sam than whether there'd be enough salmon pinwheels for them to snack on after my ceremony. I get it. I do.
For example, a professor of ours who was invited desired to come, but when she tried to register herself and her guest via our website and found she couldn't because it was the day of the deadline, she let us know and we gladly added her. That, I get. A mentor of mine who has assured me she was coming, told me about the dress she bought for it and told me about the tie she bought for her son did not RSVP personally on the website, but since I knew she was coming, I registered her and her family myself. That, I also get.
This is what I don't get: People who have said BUPKIS to me, not via text, not via email, not via FB message, not via any means of communication and then when my dear mother (bless her heart) emails you (subject line: "Failure to RSVP") to verify, you respond, "Yes, we're planning on attending." WHAT? Who is "we"? How many of you are "we"? When were you planning to let anybody know? Vague as heck after-the-fact responders. This is what I don't get: People who have RSVPed as soon as the invitation hit your mailbox, then you found out later that you and your guest(s) wouldn't be able to make it after all, but you say BUPKIS to me and just mention it to my mom in passing. NOT COOL. Here's what else I don't get: People who told me to my face you wouldn't be able to make it all apologetic, then a couple of days after the RSVP deadline, you just happen to run into my parents talking about some, "Oh, we're going to make it after all!" NAWL.
I love my people. I love my family. I love my church family. I love my friends. I love y'all. For real. I want you to come to my wedding. I do. If I didn't want you to come, I wouldn't have invited you. But folks out here in these streets treating my wedding like a potluck at Ebenezer Baptist Church somewhere your grandmama and auntie go to every 5th Sunday. No, ma'am. I say no to this. I say seet yo'self down to this. I say all the nawls to this. I rebuke the spirit of repondez s'il vous plait negligence in Jaysus name! Just let a sista know. That's all I ask. Let a sista know. And not the day of.
It just frustrates me that people do not get what all goes into planning a wedding. People don't have a concept of what it means to be less than a month away from The Big Day and needing to turn in final numbers to your caterers and rental places. People can't grasp the fact that we're also doing 1 million other things and part of the reason we set the RSVPs up the way we did is so that we didn't have to keep track of who said they were coming and who didn't and whose cousin can't make it and all of that rigmarole because WE DON'T HAVE TIME. Both of us are planning a wedding smack dab in the middle of PhD programs at the end of the semester. Ain't nobody got time for that. Nobody understands that.
But one day they or one of their kids will have to plan a wedding, too...then it'll dawn on them. But I get that too. Some things you can't understand until you are staring it dead in the face.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
T-minus 30 days, a.k.a. The Unveiling of Off the Chainness
Today I woke up and was like, yup.
Today is April 16. Today is exactly a month away from May 16, otherwise known as The Big Day.
And, by the way, the RSVP cut off date, otherwise known as Tax Day, was yesterday. But back to today.
Did people fail to RSVP as if my wedding is a barbecue that you can just show up to if you can make it and bring cousin Junebug along with you cuz he ain't have nothin to do?
Did people text reminding me that it's a month away/asking me if kids are allowed/asking if I'm having a "bachelorette party" and suggesting when I should have it/telling me that they might not be able to make it?
Do I still have mad quizzes to grade and do I have to figure out registration and health insurance because I'm not going to be on assistantship since I won this fellowship?
Do I want to crawl into a hole, find a lamp, rub it, and have a magic wedding genie pop out to magically do everything?
Do I want to scream "You lie!" at anyone who dares suggest that The Big Day is "my" day?
Did I squirm in my seat during a meeting today when my upcoming wedding was mentioned and then the conversation quickly turned to name-changing conventions among married women in the U.S. and in Latin America and did I desperately hope no one would ask me whether I was going to change my own name?
Yes. Yes, I say. Yes, to all of it.
I know I need to relax and stop being a control freak and just keep repeating to myself over and over "Everything's going to be fine. Everything's going to come together." That's what I've been doing, truth be told.
It's just that there's something about today that feels like the beginning of the end. Like, that the outpouring of the wrath of the wedding gods has officially commenced. Like, as if this were a 1960s movie set during the Roman Empire and some cart-riding plebeian on some kind of journey just looked up at the darkening sky and a lightning bolt flashed and thunder rolled and this foreboding music began to play and he said aloud, "It begins! It begins!"
I know I'm going to be happy. But can I hit a fast-forward button through this end of semester/wedding planning/crunch time madness and not hit play again until my dad says, "You may now kiss the bride"? That's right, my dad is officiating and my man is going to have to lay one on me dead in my dad's face. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Today is April 16. Today is exactly a month away from May 16, otherwise known as The Big Day.
And, by the way, the RSVP cut off date, otherwise known as Tax Day, was yesterday. But back to today.
Did people fail to RSVP as if my wedding is a barbecue that you can just show up to if you can make it and bring cousin Junebug along with you cuz he ain't have nothin to do?
Did people text reminding me that it's a month away/asking me if kids are allowed/asking if I'm having a "bachelorette party" and suggesting when I should have it/telling me that they might not be able to make it?
Do I still have mad quizzes to grade and do I have to figure out registration and health insurance because I'm not going to be on assistantship since I won this fellowship?
Do I want to crawl into a hole, find a lamp, rub it, and have a magic wedding genie pop out to magically do everything?
Do I want to scream "You lie!" at anyone who dares suggest that The Big Day is "my" day?
Did I squirm in my seat during a meeting today when my upcoming wedding was mentioned and then the conversation quickly turned to name-changing conventions among married women in the U.S. and in Latin America and did I desperately hope no one would ask me whether I was going to change my own name?
Yes. Yes, I say. Yes, to all of it.
I know I need to relax and stop being a control freak and just keep repeating to myself over and over "Everything's going to be fine. Everything's going to come together." That's what I've been doing, truth be told.
It's just that there's something about today that feels like the beginning of the end. Like, that the outpouring of the wrath of the wedding gods has officially commenced. Like, as if this were a 1960s movie set during the Roman Empire and some cart-riding plebeian on some kind of journey just looked up at the darkening sky and a lightning bolt flashed and thunder rolled and this foreboding music began to play and he said aloud, "It begins! It begins!"
I know I'm going to be happy. But can I hit a fast-forward button through this end of semester/wedding planning/crunch time madness and not hit play again until my dad says, "You may now kiss the bride"? That's right, my dad is officiating and my man is going to have to lay one on me dead in my dad's face. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Wedding Jitters?
So, the day is very quickly approaching.
I feel like everything about my perceptions and how I feel things are perceived are heightened. Things bother me much more easily and things easily make me cry. Like today, I wanted to leave Starbucks because this old lady interrogated my fiancé about his t-shirt. "What does that say? I'm just trying to read what it says. What does that mean?" Like, who are you? It's the name of a band you've never heard of and why do you even care other than feigning "innocent curiosity" in order to be nosy and judgmental, you old bag?
I realize that I am also super sensitive about how I feel people perceive us as a couple. I'm all about noticing how awkward-seeming people are who I think are either uncomfortable with an interracial couple or just don't know how to place us. So they either just act weird and/or act super nice and go with the fall back "oh, my God you guys are so CUTE." And I'm over here like, um...thanks? I'm willing to admit it's probably largely in my head. In any event, I should just saddle up because I don't imagine it'll be any less awkward when little bambinos come along.
I had a bridesmaid dress-related moment yesterday. I just had to sit and cry for a minute and then just take a deep breath and get it together because what else can you do except just hope that everything will somehow work out? And it will work out. It wasn't even a huge deal. I just want everything to be done and planned and set up and decided and paid for. And it isn't yet. But it will be.
Sometimes I look deeply into my fiancé's eyes. Not just because I'm in love with him, which I am, but I'm trying to grasp something I feel I haven't grasped yet about him and don't know if I ever will. It's not like I don't know him or don't feel comfortable with him. It's not like I don't know his habits, likes and dislikes, what makes him laugh, what annoys him. It's not like I don't know what his goals are in life, what he's passionate about. It's just the realization that you can never 100% "know" a person. You can't read their minds. You can't go back in time and somehow become them and live their entire lives as them up until this point. He is a separate person and I can't control what he does and what he does is going to affect me. It's not like I'm afraid he's going to suddenly do a bunch of weird stuff...I mean, if I felt that way, I wouldn't marry him. It's just that there's a sense of the unknown about entering into this phase of life. I don't know what being married is truly like. And I won't know until I'm there.
I feel like everything about my perceptions and how I feel things are perceived are heightened. Things bother me much more easily and things easily make me cry. Like today, I wanted to leave Starbucks because this old lady interrogated my fiancé about his t-shirt. "What does that say? I'm just trying to read what it says. What does that mean?" Like, who are you? It's the name of a band you've never heard of and why do you even care other than feigning "innocent curiosity" in order to be nosy and judgmental, you old bag?
I realize that I am also super sensitive about how I feel people perceive us as a couple. I'm all about noticing how awkward-seeming people are who I think are either uncomfortable with an interracial couple or just don't know how to place us. So they either just act weird and/or act super nice and go with the fall back "oh, my God you guys are so CUTE." And I'm over here like, um...thanks? I'm willing to admit it's probably largely in my head. In any event, I should just saddle up because I don't imagine it'll be any less awkward when little bambinos come along.
I had a bridesmaid dress-related moment yesterday. I just had to sit and cry for a minute and then just take a deep breath and get it together because what else can you do except just hope that everything will somehow work out? And it will work out. It wasn't even a huge deal. I just want everything to be done and planned and set up and decided and paid for. And it isn't yet. But it will be.
Sometimes I look deeply into my fiancé's eyes. Not just because I'm in love with him, which I am, but I'm trying to grasp something I feel I haven't grasped yet about him and don't know if I ever will. It's not like I don't know him or don't feel comfortable with him. It's not like I don't know his habits, likes and dislikes, what makes him laugh, what annoys him. It's not like I don't know what his goals are in life, what he's passionate about. It's just the realization that you can never 100% "know" a person. You can't read their minds. You can't go back in time and somehow become them and live their entire lives as them up until this point. He is a separate person and I can't control what he does and what he does is going to affect me. It's not like I'm afraid he's going to suddenly do a bunch of weird stuff...I mean, if I felt that way, I wouldn't marry him. It's just that there's a sense of the unknown about entering into this phase of life. I don't know what being married is truly like. And I won't know until I'm there.
Sunday, April 05, 2015
The Couple of Things I Was Thinking About Today
So, I turned 33 without major incident and my sweet fiancé turned 28 a few days later. Yeah, I thought I was attracted to older guys, but this young'un comes along and all of that goes out the window. A cougar and a Bridezilla rolled into one. Ah, well. I had a nice birthday dinner. See?
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Anyway, I was thinking about a couple of things today. The first is this: You don't really know until you're there.
What I'm saying is that I've had ideas about things. How things were supposed to be. How things were supposed to happen. Well, being in a relationship, for starters. To say that I idealized things is accurate, but incomplete. It's not as simple as idealizing. It's more like, there were things I didn't anticipate. And by that, I mean challenges as well as benefits. What I'm saying is that things are much more dynamic than a two-dimensional, linear sequence of events. It's like I had this static, predictable, sequential model in my head, and what's happened (happening) is this multidimensional, infinite set that has a pattern I haven't quite figured out yet. It's like, what I thought would happen (or was supposed to happen) is 1+1=2, but what ended up happening is pi. You see? I can only speak metaphorically because it's the only way to make what I want to express have any semblance of sense. It's exhilarating but scary because I'm giving up a bit of the control that I'm so used to having. Or so used to thinking that I have. Being a control freak is next to impossible in a relationship. In the end, I'm constantly reminded of my need for God. I believe that every step we take is somehow tailored to remind us that we need Him and that we were never meant to go it alone.
The second thing is this: I hope I never forget how it was.
I hope I never forget the loneliness I struggled with at times. I hope I never forget an extremely low point in my life where getting out of bed was what I dreaded every single morning. I hope I never forget the longing that I feel now every time I have to say goodnight to my fiancé. It is so ridiculously easy to take things for granted. It's scandalously easy. I don't want to fall into that trap. I don't ever want to take my husband-to-be for granted. I want to treasure every minute I have to spend with him and not just assume that his presence in my life is a given. The good has definitely outweighed the bad in my few decades on Earth. But remembering the negative is just a reminder to cherish the positive.
Anyway, I was thinking about a couple of things today. The first is this: You don't really know until you're there.
What I'm saying is that I've had ideas about things. How things were supposed to be. How things were supposed to happen. Well, being in a relationship, for starters. To say that I idealized things is accurate, but incomplete. It's not as simple as idealizing. It's more like, there were things I didn't anticipate. And by that, I mean challenges as well as benefits. What I'm saying is that things are much more dynamic than a two-dimensional, linear sequence of events. It's like I had this static, predictable, sequential model in my head, and what's happened (happening) is this multidimensional, infinite set that has a pattern I haven't quite figured out yet. It's like, what I thought would happen (or was supposed to happen) is 1+1=2, but what ended up happening is pi. You see? I can only speak metaphorically because it's the only way to make what I want to express have any semblance of sense. It's exhilarating but scary because I'm giving up a bit of the control that I'm so used to having. Or so used to thinking that I have. Being a control freak is next to impossible in a relationship. In the end, I'm constantly reminded of my need for God. I believe that every step we take is somehow tailored to remind us that we need Him and that we were never meant to go it alone.
The second thing is this: I hope I never forget how it was.
I hope I never forget the loneliness I struggled with at times. I hope I never forget an extremely low point in my life where getting out of bed was what I dreaded every single morning. I hope I never forget the longing that I feel now every time I have to say goodnight to my fiancé. It is so ridiculously easy to take things for granted. It's scandalously easy. I don't want to fall into that trap. I don't ever want to take my husband-to-be for granted. I want to treasure every minute I have to spend with him and not just assume that his presence in my life is a given. The good has definitely outweighed the bad in my few decades on Earth. But remembering the negative is just a reminder to cherish the positive.
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