Ye Have Not Because Ye Ask Not

Sometimes we're (okay . . . I'm) afraid to specifically ask the Lord for something because I feel like . . . well, He already knows my wants and needs, He's God, He's omnipotent, etc.  If I really needed what I wanted (okay, that sounds kind of weird) or, let's say if it were God's timing for me to have whatever it is that I wanted, then I would have it, right?

Plus, sometimes I'm afraid to admit I even want something.  Because when you want something that you don't have, either you're not "content in the state that you're in," or you're "needy."  Do you know what I mean?  I don't want to be needy, and I don't want to be unhappy with where I'm at right now.  So, sometimes it seems like admitting I have a want is admitting I have a weakness.

But in the gospels, Jesus spends a lot of time encouraging people to ask of God.  As a child would ask of her father.

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? (Mat. 7:11)

So, I'm trying to change my attitude about asking.  Even though He already knows, He wants us to make it known.

What I Don't Want

A dude who is insecure.

I mean, I know I have my little insecurity demons that I wrestle with, but I've learned (finally) not to let it control my actions. I realize how unattractive it is.  I don't want a man who needs constant prodding, who always second guesses himself, who is immobilized by his lack of self-confidence.  I don't want that kind of person, and I realize even more that I can't allow myself to be that kind of person.

I also don't want a dude who takes me for granted / needs constant convincing.

If you don't recognize the value of who I am, what I bring to the table, the richness and variety of my experiences and gifts, my attractiveness as a whole person; if you can't see that, then don't waste my time.  I would hate to be in a position where I would have to continually prove to someone that they made the right choice.  I realize that a relationship is work.  I realize that there will never be a time when either one can just kick back and not put any effort into maintaining the relationship.  But what I mean is that I want to be sure of my partner's esteem of me.  I want to be cherished and valued, not made to prove my worth.

I most certainly don't want a dude who is negative.

Negative people really are the worst.  They're energy sappers.  Their vision is as broad as a pinhole.  I wouldn't be able to deal with that day in and day out.  I'm not saying the guy has to hop out of bed every morning whistling and skipping (that would be annoying), but I'm saying that I wouldn't be able to stand him if he had a negative mindset.

Just a few midnight musings . . . 

Sunflower Lessons

Sometimes I think God is trying to teach me something through observation of small, everyday things.  Like my sunflowers.

When I first planted them, there were three which had sprung up relatively quickly in a little orange planter that I had, whereas none of the seeds I planted in the red planter had sprung up at all.  I very quickly wrote the seeds that I had put in the red one off.  Had I done something wrong? . . . maybe I over watered them or planted them too close together? . . . whatever the cause, I decided that it wasn't going to happen in the red planter.  I had planted all the seeds at the same time, hadn't I?  They should've all sprung up at the same time, shouldn't they have?  But time has a funny way of changing things.  In the end, two of the three sprouts that had sprung up so quickly in the orange one got munched on by some woodland creature (my best guess) whereas two started growing in the red pot and are now very solid and are developing thicker stalks.  The remaining one in the orange pot is continuing to grow but is a little smaller and weaker than the late bloomers in the red pot even though it began to grow long before the others. 

I dunno.  I like to think that things just don't happen by chance.  Perhaps God was trying to show me that I need to be much more patient and trusting.  Just because something happens very quickly in one instance doesn't mean it's going to last or be strong in the end.  Just because something doesn't happen when I think it should in another instance doesn't mean I've done something wrong or that it won't ever happen.  Just wait, trust, and let time and nature take its course.  You never know, so don't write things off or give up hope so easily.  

Another sunflower lesson has its origins a year ago.  A year ago, I was living in my hometown, going through a rough, uncertain time, but I taught the Toddler's class on Sunday mornings.  Teaching that class was one of the bright spots that kept me going.  I taught a lesson on faith, held up a sunflower seed, and asked my children if they thought this teeny tiny seed could grow into a great big beautiful sunflower.  Trusting, innocent, believing, they all nodded emphatically.  We planted them and watered them every Sunday.  And they did grow into big, beautiful sunflowers. I moved on.  The sunflowers eventually died, and and the flowerbed lay empty.  

But on visits home, I noticed a stalk growing outside of the flowerbed.  It looked like a weed, and I was sure the church maintenance guy would pull it when he had the chance.  But one day church people back home texted and posted pictures on my FB wall of a gargantuan, lone sunflower towering outside of the flowerbed.  I was told that people arrived to church that morning and were shocked to see a gigantic sunflower, just sitting there.  It suddenly bloomed and took everyone by surprise.  "How did that get there?"  People took pictures standing by it to show how tall it was.  

No one had planted it.  It was dropped into the ground by one of the dying sunflowers.  It wasn't even within the confines of the flowerbed.  No one had watered it.  No one took care of it.  No one even knew it was there, or what it was, until it suddenly appeared.  It grew alone, aided by nothing other than rain and sunshine.  It wasn't planned, neatly arranged into a special flowerbed, watered every week.  It just happened.  And when it did, it was a beautiful surprise.  A very poignant symbol of hope.

I live in the flowerbed.  I plan, I write things down in my calendar, I do what I can to ensure that it all goes right.  It's easy to lose hope when you base your perspective on what things seem like right now.  Nothing is growing . . . nothing is happening.  Are all my plans and efforts for naught?  But outside of that "flowerbed" I've confined myself to, things are growing and changing that I have no idea about.  Nothing is really within my power to control, despite my efforts.  Things are so much grander than my scope.  I have to remember that.  And I shouldn't be afraid to hope for a beautiful surprise.

. . . And Then I Started Laughing

In Portuguese class, learning reflexive verbs.  Me lavo o cabelo.  I wash my hair.  Except I don't wash my hair every day (as the little communicative activity in the book assumed) because my hair é diferente.  So, I began attempting to explain to my classmates with whom I was completing the communicative activity (owners of non-Negroid hair) why.  You know that feeling when you feel that all eyes are on you right before you look around?  I felt that, and I realized the rest of the class (not in my group, yet also owners of non-Negroid hair) were hanging on my every word . . . and then I started laughing.

The Secret Life of Homegirl

There have been reports of a 30-year-old overachiever at large.  She is considered charmed and humorous. I repeat, she is considered charmed and humorous.

Homegirl: Excuse me, kind sun, would you mind sparing a few rays?  I've fallen on hard times and (sniff), I need to feed my sunbabies.
Sun: (walking briskly by, thinking to himself) How do I really know what she's going to use it for?  She could take my sunrays and use them up on her rainbow maker.  All these solar energy junkies looking for a handout.  What?  Do I grow on trees?  (shakes head)  People must really think I shine for free.

"So, yeah, I gotta prep for this test prep course I'm teaching."
"You have to prepare to teach people how to prepare!  That's SO meta."

Dear Diary,
I woke up this morning and made it to Portuguese class right on time.  Eu tenho fome quando eu não como café da manhã.  Estou com pressa quando eu acordo tarde.  Then I played a Third Day song at my guitar lesson.  Now, I'm going to have Globe chips and root beer for my friend's birthday.  I think I'm going to save my Brazilian coffee for when I need to stay up to write a paper.  Oh, Diary, I wish people understood that putting strawberries in a non-fruit salad isn't weird if you use creamy poppyseed dressing.

Directions: Choose the correct answer.  Hint: There may be more than one.
1. Your biological clock is ticking and you only have 10 somewhat reasonable childbearing years left.  Do you:
     a. Finally break down and join whatever Singles.net
     b. Cover your ears and say "la-la-la-la-la" very loudly if anyone begins a question with "So, do you have a boyfr-"
     c. Go to a restaurant, and if the waiter is cute, wait until he asks, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" and then smile seductively and say, "Maybe," breathlessly
     d. Arrange for Idris Elba to be kidnapped, indoctrinated, and delivered to your doorstep
     e. Get some eggs frozen now and save them for a rainy day

Little Timmy: Are you a grownup?
Homegirl: Um . . . yes.
Little Timmy: Oh.  I thought you were just a teenager.
Homegirl: (Laughs.)  Okay . . . well, what makes someone a grownup?
Little Timmy: If you have a house, car and kids, that makes you a grownup.
Homegirl: (to self) Wow.  Only one out of three.  I guess I have a lot of growing up to do.

King James Pep Talk with a Kirk Franklin Back Up

When I wake up in the morning and my brain is like, "Nooo.  I can't do it.  What am I gonna do?  Oh, nooo.  I'm inadequate, I'm incapable, I don't know what I'm doing," it's time for a King James pep talk.

The good thing about these pep talks is that it's from the Bible.  The other good thing about these pep talks is that a Kirk Franklin-esque hype man kind of voice inserts itself in there to back up the King James voice in a smooth, borderline sexy way.  For example:

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
That's right, girl. Don't say you can't do it.  Jesus got yo' back, girl.  You can do all things through Him. Hold yo' head up girl, can't nothin' hold you down.


Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.
You hear that, girl?  You betta cast down them imaginations.  All that stuff about "I can't" and "I'm inadequate" and "I'm incapable."  You know that ain't true.  And if it ain't true, it ain't of God, honey.


But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
God knows where you at, girl.  You ain't alone.  Keep on keepin' on, girl and you gonna come forth as gold.  Sho' will.


And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
It doesn't say SOME things, does it, girl?  It says ALL things, baby.  If you love God and if you are called according to His purpose, what you got to worry about, honey?  God's got this thing, believe that.


I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
You ain't in this thing by yourself, girl.  God ain't gonna leave you hangin.  That's a promise on everything.


Then I shake it off, pop out of bed, and get on with my day.

I should go solo to weddings more often.

When you go solo, you are an unattached free agent.  You call the shots.  When you arrive, how long you stay, when you leave, who you talk to.  You can weave in and out, unobligated.

It's just that the last few weddings I've been to, I've been in, so this whole "being accompanied" or not as a guest at a wedding is, surprisingly, a new concept for me.

Going to social events alone is something that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with.  What I realize is that I'm an attractive person.  I realize that sounds so conceited out of context. I'm not saying that I think I'm hot.  I'm saying that I realize I have a lot of attractive qualities as a person.  When you realize you have attractive qualities, it makes you a confident person.  And when you are a confident person, it makes you feel comfortable enough with yourself to approach people, and it makes other people comfortable enough to approach you.

I wish I would have believed these things about myself more firmly a long time ago.  It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

I'm glad that the 30s panic never set in.  The prospect of the panic caused more anxiety than the panic itself.  Now that I'm here, and now that it's a settled fact, and that I can still wake up, look in the mirror, smile, and feel a glow, I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I got this.