I'm learning that one of the awkwardest things to deal with as an almost-wed is not inviting people to your wedding.
I mean, we'd like to invite a lot of people, but we just can't invite everyone. (Even though we practically have. Good Lord. I'm hoping like 40% of the people we're sending save-the-dates to don't show so we don't have to fork out more dough for extra food from the caterer and extra tables and chairs.)
I guess I'm particularly thinking about people we interact with regularly: departmental people and church folks.
I was putting a couple of save-the-dates in the boxes of some invited colleagues when an uninvited colleague walked in and checked his box. I immediately went into awkward mode. Mind you, he had no idea what I had in my hand, what I was doing and probably wouldn't have cared even if he did, but one overwhelming thought alarm went off in my head: You didn't invite him! You didn't invite him!
I don't know why I'm so worried about it. Most reasonable people realize that two broke grad students aren't going to have lavish nuptials and can't invite the world. But I have had church folk text me informing me that they were coming whether or not they were invited (in a "joking" way, but still) and certain other people have established a precedent of saying bold things to my fiancé and me, so I guess I'm not exactly paranoid.
In order to cut down on church awkwardness, we're just sending save-the-dates to the people closest to us by mail and will decide whether we want to have a "general invite" situation later. I'm not terribly concerned about awkwardness with my home church folks. Though I am sending them to particular families, what will probably end up happening is a bulletin board post of the save-the-date or later invitation and since the wedding will be a nice 3 1/2 hour drive away (actually longer, since the property where we're marrying is nearly 30 minutes from the city where my fiancé and I live) from my hometown, only the diehard will make it.
But departmental awkwardness is another story to me. I don't think anyone will say anything. It's not like people who've gotten save-the-dates are going to be waving them around asking everybody else if they've gotten one too, as if they're free plane tickets to Hawaii or something. But it would be much easier to decipher who got one and who didn't, if someone were into finding out that kind of thing.
There's a part of me that is extremely non-confrontational, but there's another part of me that would dare someone to have the audacity to ask why they weren't invited. Like, part of me feels like, if someone would be audacious enough to ask that, I should be audacious to enough to tell them why, straight up. We can't invite everyone and we didn't consider you to be close enough to us to want to invite you. Or Since when did exes get invited to weddings? You're practically an ex and you know it. Nawl, son. Or Hell would have to freeze over before I'd consider having your drama-laden presence at one of the most important events of my life. No ma'am. Or You wanna be a weirdo towards me for weirdo reasons and then be like, "Girl, I better get an invite," Um, naaa.
Ahem.
I guess invitation awkwardness is one of those soon-to-be-married folks' rites of passage. That and fielding questions about where we're going to live. Um, are you going to be shifting around an academic's collection of heavy books? Are you going to be de-cluttering my hoarder's walk-in closet? Are you going to be lifting and transporting any furniture? No? Oh, okay.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Did I Think I'd Ever...?
I always pester my fiancé with questions which begin with "did you think you'd ever" which have something to do with me and/or his life after having met me.
Did you think anyone would ever refer to you as "my baby daddy"? Did you think you'd ever sing gospel music in a church choir? Did you think you'd ever marry a girl whose hair could transform into an afro?
There's a certain way I say "mmhmm." Like it's a faux disbelieving "mmhmm" that supposedly suspects something. For example, if I'm with my fiancé and he waves at some girl I don't know and he turns to me and says, "She's in my class," I might playfully say, "Mmhmm." Today he did it to me. We were at the library and I saw this Brazilian guy who's been accompanying one of my students to class and I saw him and waved and said, "I keep seeing that guy everywhere." And he was like, "Mmhmm." It was SO funny. (He still can't say it like me, though.)
But that was just an aside.
There are things I never thought I'd ever be or do. That's for sure. Did I think I'd ever...
1. Get married in grad school? No, I seriously never thought I would. I hoped I would eventually get married at some point, but still, I was a hard core cynic. I figured maybe I'd meet someone after I finished this program and got a job somewhere and started paying back my student loans. I didn't think I'd meet anyone at my church (I ain't gonna say nothin, but I really didn't) and I definitely didn't think I'd meet anyone in my department. Who knew that I'd meet someone in the department and bring him to church?
2. Become one of those people who let other relationships suffer because of a significant other? Definitely not. I never meant to be that person and I hope I'm not being that person now, but I know that I have been at certain points since I started spending time with my fiancé. I used to think people who would allow long standing friendships and family relationships to fall by the wayside because of a hot new guy were the epitome of shallow and selfish. How could someone do that? How could friends and family who have always been there for you be so easily cast off? I saw first hand how. I experienced how easy it was to slide into a singular special world that consists of only you and that other person at the expense of others. I try to be more aware of not doing that and make an effort to stay connected to other people I truly care about and who care about me.
3. Get picky and emotional over wedding stuff? Nope. I totally envisioned myself as being go-with-the-flow. I've always been horrified at bridezilla stories of women being off the chain over ridiculous stuff. I like to think of myself as easy going, not having strong preferences for things one way or the other. But now I'm seeing myself devolve into a picky little whiner over certain things. Ugh. Girl, stop.
4. Become less motivated in school? Nawl. I have always prided myself on being a driven ubernerd who made academic things happen. Yeah, I've always been a procrastinator of sorts, but I never thought I would languish in laziness as I feel like I have been doing concerning this dissertation. I can't say I'm not making ANY progress, but I need to be making a lot more progress than I'm making now if I plan to graduate and get a job when I say I'm going to. When I need to. I never thought finally getting a man would suck the drive out of me. And frankly, it's kind of embarrassing. Even if it is "normal."
I have a feeling I'm going to be having a whole lot more of these "did I think I'd ever" moments...
Did you think anyone would ever refer to you as "my baby daddy"? Did you think you'd ever sing gospel music in a church choir? Did you think you'd ever marry a girl whose hair could transform into an afro?
There's a certain way I say "mmhmm." Like it's a faux disbelieving "mmhmm" that supposedly suspects something. For example, if I'm with my fiancé and he waves at some girl I don't know and he turns to me and says, "She's in my class," I might playfully say, "Mmhmm." Today he did it to me. We were at the library and I saw this Brazilian guy who's been accompanying one of my students to class and I saw him and waved and said, "I keep seeing that guy everywhere." And he was like, "Mmhmm." It was SO funny. (He still can't say it like me, though.)
But that was just an aside.
There are things I never thought I'd ever be or do. That's for sure. Did I think I'd ever...
1. Get married in grad school? No, I seriously never thought I would. I hoped I would eventually get married at some point, but still, I was a hard core cynic. I figured maybe I'd meet someone after I finished this program and got a job somewhere and started paying back my student loans. I didn't think I'd meet anyone at my church (I ain't gonna say nothin, but I really didn't) and I definitely didn't think I'd meet anyone in my department. Who knew that I'd meet someone in the department and bring him to church?
2. Become one of those people who let other relationships suffer because of a significant other? Definitely not. I never meant to be that person and I hope I'm not being that person now, but I know that I have been at certain points since I started spending time with my fiancé. I used to think people who would allow long standing friendships and family relationships to fall by the wayside because of a hot new guy were the epitome of shallow and selfish. How could someone do that? How could friends and family who have always been there for you be so easily cast off? I saw first hand how. I experienced how easy it was to slide into a singular special world that consists of only you and that other person at the expense of others. I try to be more aware of not doing that and make an effort to stay connected to other people I truly care about and who care about me.
3. Get picky and emotional over wedding stuff? Nope. I totally envisioned myself as being go-with-the-flow. I've always been horrified at bridezilla stories of women being off the chain over ridiculous stuff. I like to think of myself as easy going, not having strong preferences for things one way or the other. But now I'm seeing myself devolve into a picky little whiner over certain things. Ugh. Girl, stop.
4. Become less motivated in school? Nawl. I have always prided myself on being a driven ubernerd who made academic things happen. Yeah, I've always been a procrastinator of sorts, but I never thought I would languish in laziness as I feel like I have been doing concerning this dissertation. I can't say I'm not making ANY progress, but I need to be making a lot more progress than I'm making now if I plan to graduate and get a job when I say I'm going to. When I need to. I never thought finally getting a man would suck the drive out of me. And frankly, it's kind of embarrassing. Even if it is "normal."
I have a feeling I'm going to be having a whole lot more of these "did I think I'd ever" moments...
Monday, September 15, 2014
So Cute
Ahem.
I used to rant back in the day when people tried to set me up with some black dude due to the simple fact that he was a black dude. And church people were the worst, ugh! Like, black dude, wears pants, has the Holy Ghost, there's your soulmate, let's go. Uh, naa.
Don't get it twisted, tho. The desire of my little 18-year-old heart back in the day was a Holy Ghost-filled black dude. Dark chocolate brotha, too. He took me out for my 18th birthday, he accompanied me to my senior prom...(sigh)...but that was back in the day.
Other brothas have made appearances here and there in subsequent years, but fast forward to now. The one who liked it enough to put a ring on it is the opposite of a dark chocolate brotha. In fact, I was told (by loving members of his family) that he consistently wins the "whitest feet" contest every year at the beach. My poor man stays spraying on 100 SPF when out in the sun so he doesn't end up a baked lobster. I chalk it up to ye olde Irishman in 'im.
Anyway, my rant has transformed from "stop assuming me and some random black dude would be magically compatible soulmates" to "stop squealing about how 'cute' me and my white fiancé are when you see us together."
Omigawd, y'all are SO CUTE!
Really?
I know people mean well, honestly. I mean, I'd rather somebody think we're "cute" than make other assumptions. For real. But, still, can we cut it with the "cute"?
I get it. You're expressing your approval. You want us to know that you're not one of the ones who thinks we should "stick to our own kind." Got it. Thanks. I guess.
What I'm saying is when you emphasize how "cute" we are, especially when you most likely don't say that about other couples you're in contact with, what you're doing, even though it's in a "positive" way, is emphasizing our difference. In a way, you're marking us as something foreign, exotic and other, albeit "cute." Do you see what I'm saying?
There's a difference between a normal compliment and an overexaggerated, oft-repeated panegyric. The latter is what I'm ranting against.
Calm down. We're not wide-eyed extraterrestrials with glowing fingertips. We're just a girl and a guy in love.
I used to rant back in the day when people tried to set me up with some black dude due to the simple fact that he was a black dude. And church people were the worst, ugh! Like, black dude, wears pants, has the Holy Ghost, there's your soulmate, let's go. Uh, naa.
Don't get it twisted, tho. The desire of my little 18-year-old heart back in the day was a Holy Ghost-filled black dude. Dark chocolate brotha, too. He took me out for my 18th birthday, he accompanied me to my senior prom...(sigh)...but that was back in the day.
Other brothas have made appearances here and there in subsequent years, but fast forward to now. The one who liked it enough to put a ring on it is the opposite of a dark chocolate brotha. In fact, I was told (by loving members of his family) that he consistently wins the "whitest feet" contest every year at the beach. My poor man stays spraying on 100 SPF when out in the sun so he doesn't end up a baked lobster. I chalk it up to ye olde Irishman in 'im.
Anyway, my rant has transformed from "stop assuming me and some random black dude would be magically compatible soulmates" to "stop squealing about how 'cute' me and my white fiancé are when you see us together."
Omigawd, y'all are SO CUTE!
Really?
I know people mean well, honestly. I mean, I'd rather somebody think we're "cute" than make other assumptions. For real. But, still, can we cut it with the "cute"?
I get it. You're expressing your approval. You want us to know that you're not one of the ones who thinks we should "stick to our own kind." Got it. Thanks. I guess.
What I'm saying is when you emphasize how "cute" we are, especially when you most likely don't say that about other couples you're in contact with, what you're doing, even though it's in a "positive" way, is emphasizing our difference. In a way, you're marking us as something foreign, exotic and other, albeit "cute." Do you see what I'm saying?
There's a difference between a normal compliment and an overexaggerated, oft-repeated panegyric. The latter is what I'm ranting against.
Calm down. We're not wide-eyed extraterrestrials with glowing fingertips. We're just a girl and a guy in love.
Monday, September 01, 2014
Expressions of Ambivalence and Contradiction
I have a confession to make.
Well, it's not a true confession, it's more of an expression of ambivalence and perhaps even contradiction.
I miss the voice I used to have on my blog when I was still single.
This is so crazy, but my blog persona has become kind of one note now. All I talk about is school and my fiancé. Not only that, but I also post a whole lot less than I used to.
But to be fair, school and my fiancé are what my life is about now, so what else am I supposed to talk about? And naturally, I'm going to post less because my priorities have shifted.
I don't want things to be different. I don't want things to be the way they were. I am 100% happy with the way things are now. And I'm 100% looking forward to how things are going to be in the future: after I get married, after I finish school, after I get a job and start a new chapter in a new place...
There is nothing in me that wants anything to retrogress. I like being in this place. For now. Not just this engaged place, but this place in my career, in my schooling, this place in my life as a whole. It's still a transitional place. It's a place that's taken (and is still taking) some getting used to. But overall, there's nothing about it that makes me truly want to return to another time.
I'm still in wonder about the fact that I'm in love. The very real fact that I am now inextricably linked to someone else. That I depend on someone else and that someone else depends on me. The very real fact that I have chosen and I have been chosen and that this choosing is for life. I'm still in wonder at this dizzying turn my life has taken. I'm still in wonder at the idea of someone taking up so much space, and wanting them to take up that space, offering them that space. I'm in wonder at how I got to the point that all I want is to be with him all the time.
But still...how did that become me? How did independent, quirky me end up another moony, swoony, distracted girl in love?
I'm not saying I don't want to be that girl in love. I love being in love. I'm ecstatic over the fact that I've found the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. How can you explain just wanting to smell someone? How can you explain the fact that even if he's sweaty he never smells like sweat? How can you explain the pure feeling of contentment I feel as a result of just looking at his profile while he's driving? How can you explain loving to watch him eat because there's something endearing about seeing him enjoy what he's eating? These are inexplicable things.
But do you see how, in spite of the uniqueness of our bond, in spite of the singularity of how I love, of how we love each other, I've somehow been reduced to something ordinary and well-worn? I have joined the ranks of Girls in Love with Guys. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
Do you see what I'm saying? That spunky, defensive, creative me who would launch manifestos and write sternly-worded letters to gross guys who tried to holler at me or even to inanimate objects and craft intriguing pieces of creative non-fiction on my blog is now just like, I love him. Omg, I just love him so much. Omg, and I'm supposed to be writing my dissertation. But I'm so distracted, omg. Do you see what I mean?
Here's something else I haven't been able to figure out: I know when my hair looks to' up. Let's be real. I have moments when my hair is in need of washing, looking like an unattractive haystack. I have moments when my inner 15-year-old bursts out onto my skin and I become the poster child for the "before" picture of a Clearasil ad. I know these things because they are a part of my reality. But still, he says, "You are so beautiful." Can you not see me? But he's telling me that he does.
This is what I will sporadically write about for now. It's just where I am right now, this is my life right now. I might miss my former voice in some ways. But I'm still me.
But to be fair, school and my fiancé are what my life is about now, so what else am I supposed to talk about? And naturally, I'm going to post less because my priorities have shifted.
I don't want things to be different. I don't want things to be the way they were. I am 100% happy with the way things are now. And I'm 100% looking forward to how things are going to be in the future: after I get married, after I finish school, after I get a job and start a new chapter in a new place...
There is nothing in me that wants anything to retrogress. I like being in this place. For now. Not just this engaged place, but this place in my career, in my schooling, this place in my life as a whole. It's still a transitional place. It's a place that's taken (and is still taking) some getting used to. But overall, there's nothing about it that makes me truly want to return to another time.
I'm still in wonder about the fact that I'm in love. The very real fact that I am now inextricably linked to someone else. That I depend on someone else and that someone else depends on me. The very real fact that I have chosen and I have been chosen and that this choosing is for life. I'm still in wonder at this dizzying turn my life has taken. I'm still in wonder at the idea of someone taking up so much space, and wanting them to take up that space, offering them that space. I'm in wonder at how I got to the point that all I want is to be with him all the time.
But still...how did that become me? How did independent, quirky me end up another moony, swoony, distracted girl in love?
I'm not saying I don't want to be that girl in love. I love being in love. I'm ecstatic over the fact that I've found the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. How can you explain just wanting to smell someone? How can you explain the fact that even if he's sweaty he never smells like sweat? How can you explain the pure feeling of contentment I feel as a result of just looking at his profile while he's driving? How can you explain loving to watch him eat because there's something endearing about seeing him enjoy what he's eating? These are inexplicable things.
But do you see how, in spite of the uniqueness of our bond, in spite of the singularity of how I love, of how we love each other, I've somehow been reduced to something ordinary and well-worn? I have joined the ranks of Girls in Love with Guys. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
Do you see what I'm saying? That spunky, defensive, creative me who would launch manifestos and write sternly-worded letters to gross guys who tried to holler at me or even to inanimate objects and craft intriguing pieces of creative non-fiction on my blog is now just like, I love him. Omg, I just love him so much. Omg, and I'm supposed to be writing my dissertation. But I'm so distracted, omg. Do you see what I mean?
Here's something else I haven't been able to figure out: I know when my hair looks to' up. Let's be real. I have moments when my hair is in need of washing, looking like an unattractive haystack. I have moments when my inner 15-year-old bursts out onto my skin and I become the poster child for the "before" picture of a Clearasil ad. I know these things because they are a part of my reality. But still, he says, "You are so beautiful." Can you not see me? But he's telling me that he does.
This is what I will sporadically write about for now. It's just where I am right now, this is my life right now. I might miss my former voice in some ways. But I'm still me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)