The Process

"It's a process."

It seems like this has been my mantra for a while.  It's a process.  You can't rush it, you can't foreknow it, you can't control every aspect of it.  Sometimes it (whatever it is) just has to be and it just has to be allowed to develop, if it is meant to develop, according to God's will.

I'm in the midst of a development that has taken me a little by surprise, frankly.  All I can say is this: I have been honest and upfront from the beginning, and the other person has expressed a willingness and openness to learn about and experience aspects of what makes me who I am that are important to me.

I'll just leave it at that, because that's really all it is for now.

I am hesitant because I don't know how things are going to unfold and I don't want anyone to get hurt.

All I know is that I must stay true to myself.  It's the only way I'll truly be happy, and I know that I am and will be respected for that.

(Sigh.)  Personal life issues are not the only little chunk of my life that is in process.  Take this PhD program, for starters.  I am trying not to hyperventilate over comps.  I know I mention something about comps every time I post a new blog entry.  But it's looming over me and no matter how I slice it, I don't feel prepared.  But God is greater than my feelings of inadequacy, and I just have to do what I can to move forward.

I know I'll eventually "come out on the other side."  I look forward to the day that I can say that I finally have.

It Is What It Is

This post is for my mother and for my best friend, two people who are highly supportive of me, but who are also very truthful with me.

I don't know how to express how important it is to have people like this in your life.  I am so grateful for them because I know that everything they say comes from a loving, godly, honest place, even if it's something I don't want to hear.  At the end of the day, it is what it is, and I have to be willing to accept it and be honest with myself about my shortcomings if I am ever to move forward and be consistent and live an overcoming life.

I am in a unique place in my life that sets me apart.  I can either lament it or embrace it.  I can either use it as an excuse or see it as an asset.

I have to be honest and say that there are things about myself that I highly dislike.  Tears well up if I dwell on them too long.  But I am stuck with being me.  And that's okay.

Dates

No . . . not the kind of dates a single gal like me would (like to) go on.  lol. Dates, as in calendar days set in stone.  For comps.

(Sigh.)  I'm supposed to be reading poetry right now in preparation for said comps whose dates are dangerously near.  But in a way, it's comforting because it's like, okay, I have these concrete little markers fixed in time that will come and come to pass, ready or not.  I hope it's the former.

I need to be more settled, more grounded, more focused.  It's not to say that I'm not at all.  But there's something about setting the dates that has made me feel less anxious.

Okay, there's some other stuff I need to suss out (with full awareness of the possible land mine this blog can be.  I write with the 90% surety that no inappropriate eyes are reading this, yet with the other 10% made up of not caring whether said inappropriate eyes were to read it).

1. Just when I get to the point of "being done," phone calls out of the blue.  Is it a coincidence?  A recognizance of the shift in my regard?  Is it a switch flipping and a final realization that things really are never going back to the way they were?  Is it believing that a "crisis" is the only justifiable way to communicate with me? Regardless, let me say this: I am SO glad those curled up in a fetal position in my fluffy pink robe, crying and trying to comfort myself with straight up Nutella because of this days are over.  And I'm not going back to them.  (I will, however, continue to eat straight up Nutella whenever I see fit.)

2. Something that has connected me with, er, "unlikely" others has been playing the guitar.  You may not connect with someone profoundly in any other way, but if you overlap in a creative arena, somehow things just jibe.  Nevertheless, I still find myself asking why.  I mean, I've always been a person who gets along with a wide cross-section of people, and it's great.  But I still wonder, like, how is it that some people that I never thought would be interested in a friendship with me somehow are?  I know that's silly.  I guess that feeling speaks more to preconceptions I have of other people than conceptions people may or may not have of me.  In short, I've recently found myself in the thick of a whirlwind guitarship.

Close/Open

What I think I'm starting to see is that when you finally decide that you're done with a situation and you mean it, you allow yourself to be open to positive interactions with others.

I feel like I'm finally to a point where I realize that I've had enough of dealing with someone in a certain way.  I feel like I'm just done.  I don't mean it harshly.  I do care about him and his family.  If he truly needed anything, he knows I would be there for him.  But other than that, I simply cannot and will not voluntarily open myself up again or give any more than I already have.

I happened to run into him this weekend and, naturally, it was a little awkward.  Before we parted ways, he said, "Call me soon," and then looked at me for affirmation.  I nodded, mainly because I was a little caught off guard and it was my immediate reaction, but I never did call him.  And why should I?  What would I say?  And if he had something to say, why shouldn't he call me?  That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.

Anyway.  Once I made the decision to purposefully and seriously limit my interaction with someone, I found myself beginning to cultivate relationships and make connections with other people.  I've spent time with colleagues who have helped me stay on track and have gotten me involved in activities that are beneficial for me academically.  I have tried to mentor and be a resource to new colleagues who are just starting out in the program who could use advice and moral support.  I have had colleagues come to church with me.  I have connected with musically inclined people and feel like maybe I'm progressing with playing the guitar again.

I still feel woefully behind in preparation for comps.  I don't know if I'll ever feel ready.  But I'm determined to do what I need to do and I'm going to enjoy the rewarding, exciting feeling that comes from opening yourself up to new (and old) people.

I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy . . .

I have a Japanese student in my class and the title of this post is what I feel like saying every time he bows to me.  If he comes in late, he bows before taking his seat.  If he has a question for me after class, he bows when he walks up to talk to me and bows before he leaves.  I know it's a part of his culture and pretty ingrained in him, so I don't say anything, but it makes me nervous.

I want to feel this productive positive feeling for a long time.  I've been staying on top of grading and planning.  Had productive meetings with a couple of professors this week and even though I still don't feel like I'm where I should be with comps preparation at this point, I still feel like I'll be able to pull it off in January.

I'm participating in a reading with an award-winning Brazilian writer on Friday.  Muito legal.

I've been in touch with one of my former professors about possibly being her research assistant over the summer.  If that all works out, I'd be spending my summer in a really amazing place.

Finally finished an abstract I'm planning to submit for an upcoming conference . . . fingers crossed!

I'm definitely applying for at least two dissertation fellowships.  They're super competitive, I'm sure, but it's worth a try.  Would love to get a change of scene for my last year in the program.  And that's pretty crazy, isn't it?  Next year is my last year.  Yes, honey.