Close/Open

What I think I'm starting to see is that when you finally decide that you're done with a situation and you mean it, you allow yourself to be open to positive interactions with others.

I feel like I'm finally to a point where I realize that I've had enough of dealing with someone in a certain way.  I feel like I'm just done.  I don't mean it harshly.  I do care about him and his family.  If he truly needed anything, he knows I would be there for him.  But other than that, I simply cannot and will not voluntarily open myself up again or give any more than I already have.

I happened to run into him this weekend and, naturally, it was a little awkward.  Before we parted ways, he said, "Call me soon," and then looked at me for affirmation.  I nodded, mainly because I was a little caught off guard and it was my immediate reaction, but I never did call him.  And why should I?  What would I say?  And if he had something to say, why shouldn't he call me?  That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.

Anyway.  Once I made the decision to purposefully and seriously limit my interaction with someone, I found myself beginning to cultivate relationships and make connections with other people.  I've spent time with colleagues who have helped me stay on track and have gotten me involved in activities that are beneficial for me academically.  I have tried to mentor and be a resource to new colleagues who are just starting out in the program who could use advice and moral support.  I have had colleagues come to church with me.  I have connected with musically inclined people and feel like maybe I'm progressing with playing the guitar again.

I still feel woefully behind in preparation for comps.  I don't know if I'll ever feel ready.  But I'm determined to do what I need to do and I'm going to enjoy the rewarding, exciting feeling that comes from opening yourself up to new (and old) people.