I can't believe

1. how fast this program has gone so far.  I remember when I moved here.  I remember my first day of class when I had no idea what I was doing.  Now, here I am, 3/4ths done with this thing.

2. how non-stressful comps has been so far.  Anytime I mention to one of my colleagues that I'm in the midst of comps, they gasp as if I should be wholly incapacitated or something.  But it's gone rather smoothly and non-dramatically.  I am so not complaining.

3. how well things are going despite the possible complications of this relationship.  It's humbling and amazing to see God work in the life of someone who is truly seeking after Him.  I kept questioning myself.  I still do.  But I guess I'm more sure now that God really is in control.

Two Down, One to Go

So, I took my second in-house comp exam today.  Period: Contemporary.  Same drill as last time.  Made an outline, wrote for four hours (time flies when you're typing), done.

The last stage in this process is my take-home.  My major professor is giving me a few days to breathe, so she's waiting to give me my questions on Friday.  On Friday, we will meet, she will give me my questions, and then I'll have two weeks to write 15-20 pages answering both questions.

If it sounds like a lot, it's really not.  It's about the length of an average term paper.  And I've written that much in much less time.  So, it can be done.

It's still substantial work, but it'll be much more chill.  I will get to do a little outside research, I will have everything I need to write at my disposal.  It's just a matter of doing it.

Another Comps Post

My second in-house comp exam is Tuesday.  I have a nice long weekend to do any final preparations.  

I had a meeting with the professor who will be administering this particular test earlier this week.  She's wonderful, although she may not be the most organized professor ever.  She totally made me feel at ease about the upcoming test.  She was like, I haven't written the question yet, but it's going to include themes like blah, blah, blah, I'm not going to limit it to any specific works, so you can talk about what you want, there will be no surprises...all you have to do is write it.

That's fabulous.  I mean, I don't have to stress about whatever it is on my list I haven't read in its entirety yet.  She's basically like, just write about whatever you want.  Brilliant.  It's great to not be a huge, teeming stress ball, but in a way, her reassurance has made me feel more lax.  On a day that I should be conscientiously preparing, I'm feeling kind of spacy.  I'm at a coffee shop.  By the window.  I'm (supposed to be) skimming through articles and previous papers I've written for this professor's class to help me organize my ideas, but here I am, daydreaming and mind wandering on my blog.

 

I emailed my professor who wrote the questions for my previous exam about something unrelated and in her reply, she offhandedly mentioned that my exam was "well done."  It made my day.

I constantly fight to resist my urge to control.  To try to figure it all out.  You think I would have learned by now that it's impossible.  It's so hard for me to let go and trust.

All I can think about is how I'm going to finish this program.  Where I'm going to end up.  How things are going to end up.  I looked out the window and saw a family crossing the street.  The dad had a little girl by the hand and the mom had a little baby swaddled up against her in one of those sling things.  I thought about my hypothetical daughter.  And would you believe she already has a name?  Violet.

I have more pressing things to do than ruminate over my hypothetical little girl.  I have to study.  I have to finish this other dissertation fellowship application.  Since I've already applied to one, this one shouldn't be too difficult.  Just tweak some things and keep it moving. 

Sigh.  Gotta snap out of it.  

One Down, Two to Go

So, I took my first comprehensive exam today.  Genre: poetry.  Open up an envelope.  Take out the questions your professor has carefully crafted.  Choose one.  Write for 4 hours.  Save it on a flash drive.  Be done.

I mean, I guess I felt prepared.  There were no surprises.  I won't say it's the most stellar thing I've ever written in Spanish, but I feel like I answered the question.  I wasn't super stressed.  Like, I was almost scared at how non-stressed I was.  Almost like, shouldn't I be more worried?

I'm not saying I didn't take it seriously.  Just sat down, made my little outline, and got to work.  The 4 hours really flew by.

One more four-hour in-house, then a two-week-long take-home. ¡Sí, se puede!

Tomorrow

marks the day I take my first comprehensive exam.

At this point, it is what it is.  I feel that I should have prepared more intensely, but I cannot say that I am unprepared.

I can't believe it.  I've been complaining about it and talking about it and fretting about it and obsessing about it for months, and now, at long last, it is upon me.

I take another one next Tuesday, and after I complete that one, I will have a "take home" that I will have two weeks to complete.  Once I turn that sucka in Feb 4th, then I will be able to breathe.  (A little bit.)

1. A month after I turn in my take home = oral comps defense
2. Two weeks after oral comps defense = prospectus submission
3. A month after prospectus submission = prospectus defense
4. Successful prospectus defense = ABD.  All But Dissertation.

So, if I do everything I'm supposed to do, I'll be ABD by April.  Then the real fun begins.

Semesterly Life

One of the things I love about being a student, and I guess just about being in the teaching profession and academia overall is the idea of a new life every semester.

Every semester, your life gets a new little schedule, you see new little faces and you get to start afresh.  Set the right tone, set the right expectations, get off on the right foot.  I love that feeling.

This morning I got up and said, I'm going to do this right.

I put on a particularly professorial looking ensemble because I like to look extra professorly the first day.  An argyle sweater over a collared shirt and whatnot.  I love the look on their faces when I introduce myself as a 3rd year PhD.  I'd like to think it's because they think I look young.  I think I have another good group.

This semester, particularly this month, is going to be intense.  I should be flipping out right now, but hey, it is what it is, comps are coming up starting next week whether I'm ready or not, so I just have to buckle down.  I finally got that dissertation fellowship application sent off.  One of my committee members who wrote me a recommendation said she wrote me "a very strong letter."  It felt good to finally cast that bread out into the waters.  Shall it return to me after many days?  Time will tell.  There's one more I'm applying for due next month.  I can just tweak the stuff I wrote for the last one, so it shouldn't be too difficult.  Vamos a ver.

I have to stay focused.  "You'll be fine," he said.  "You're smart and you're hardworking and you're going to dominate it.  You just have to keep your focus."  Well, thanks for believing in me.  "And not get distracted," I added.  "Especially by you."  We laughed, but I was only half kidding.  Don't distract me, bro.

2014: I Will Speak Life

Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21).

I've resolved to speak life this year.

Today's only the second day of the new year, and I've already caught myself breaking my resolution.

What I realize is that I allow a whole lot of negative, cynical things to come out of my mouth.  What comes out of your mouth is what you accept as true.  And what you accept as true is what you believe.  And what you believe is what you will act upon.  And what you act upon is what determines your life.  Or death.

This year, I want to make a conscious effort to speak life.  Speak positive, encouraging, uplifting things.  Speak from a place of confidence in God.  Speak from a place of assurance in my identity in Christ.  Speak from a place of faith, not fear.

It's harder than it seems.  Just today, I was toiling away at this dissertation fellowship application, and I said, "I am way in over my head on this one."  But no.  I remembered my resolution and said, "But I'm going to do it anyway."  It's worth it.  I am qualified.  I was encouraged to go for it and I am going to follow through.

I'm tired of negative thoughts reigning in my mind and allowing them to come into existence by speaking them out loud.  It truly is a trend I want to reverse.

When the new semester starts in a few days, I'm going to have to hit the ground running.  It's going to be very intense.  There are still so many unknowns.  But I must remember to speak life in the midst of the intensity and in the midst of the unknown.

I had a little side resolution last year that I want to embark upon again this year and that is to learn something new.  Some new skill or talent.  Last year, it was gardening.  This year I think it's going to be knitting.  I've always wanted to learn how to knit.

For the longest time, I've been sort of taken with the idea that maybe one day I would inspire something creative. I've always wanted someone to write a song about me.  Well, I listened to it today.