Many times I look back at what I used to think and feel pained. But sometimes I look back and smile. What's funny are the times that I was innocently misguided or too headstrong for my own good. So fiercely sure, so passionately staid, but at the same time, so insecure. "I-will-never's" use to flow so unironically from my mouth. I can see how I blocked myself into a frustrating box. I can see how I clamored to get out, how I outrageously "freed" myself from it, not realizing that it was totally self-imposed.
At a little get-together with some friends in my program, I met a guy from Chile who was also a public high school teacher for a time in his own country, and who is now getting his PhD, prompted by similar circumstances I experienced. We were in stitches at the black comedy of it all. Es gracioso, pero es triste. It's funny, but it's sad. But we kept laughing. That's sometimes how I feel about where God has brought me, and what I've experienced in order to finally see what He's been trying to show me all along.
In the wake of a conference, you're high on Jesus crack. You know that you can conquer the world for God. Purpose, direction, revelation, and ooh, girl, I LOVE this song and you grab your tambourine and play it like your life depended on it. But what matters is what you do when you get back. When you wake up on Monday morning and are greeted by the steady sound of the air blowing out of your A/C units.
It was a Singles' conference, yes. But I went last year. And if it had turned out to be the Singles' conference that lurked in the shadows down the corridors of my fears, I would not have returned. But return I did. Here are a few things that I know I need to remember:
1. You are not your own. My attitude about where I am right now used to be so wrong. "Yeah. It's not like this is what I've always wanted to do, but here I am. I guess you could kind of say I ended up here. But I'm cool with it." Um, excuse me, you didn't just "end up" here. How dare you imply that the breath of God blew you down this path like a tumbleweed? He very specifically placed you where you are, and not so that you could be "cool with it." In fact, it has much less to do with your level of "coolness" with your life station, and much more to do with His glory. You are fulfilling a godly purpose right now, not merely trying to work yourself up to "being content" in spite of everything. I had to get my mind right about that one. I am in preparation mode, and it should not be taken lightly or flippantly. What I am doing right now is equipping me to bring glory to Him.
2. God is not expecting you to do something you are not equipped to do. We totally make things more complicated than they need be. Fulfilling our purpose in life is not some ultra-spiritual, esoteric formula that you have to fast 40 days and 40 nights in order to receive the key to. It's as simple as sharing with others what God has given you. He's not going to ask you to do something you aren't able to do. He's not expecting you to complete a task that you don't already have to tools to complete it with. When Jesus fed the 5,000 it was because a boy gave up his lunch. Not because a boy did 50 spiritual incantations, did a series of acrobatic contortions and doused every soul with a spirit of double anointing. He simply gave what he had. That's all God is asking us to do. Give unto others what He's given to you.
3. There is therefore now NO condemnation. Stop condemning yourself. Do you think God is surprised by our human frailty? Stop working yourself up over things God has long since forgiven you for, and stop using it as an excuse to stay on the sidelines.
4. God has not given us the spirit of fear. When you are fearful, you have no confidence in God, and when you have no confidence in God, you have no confidence in yourself, and when you have no confidence in yourself, you effectively make yourself unavailable for God to use. "Hey, God, you know all that work for Your kingdom I'm supposed to be doing? Well, I'm scared, inept, incapable and inferior, so You're going to have to find someone else." That's what you're telling God when you allow fear to immobilize you. I refuse to give in to it any longer.
5. To whom much is given, much is required. Stop wishing for some fantasy of a "regular life." Girl, your life has been un-regular since day one. Stop looking at that fact as a liability. As some kind of strain of weirdoitis for which you're still searching for the cure. Own your uniqueness. Own who you are. Own the fact that there is a reason God has brought you down a unique path. Since God has given you many gifts, you're going to have to continue to make many more sacrifices, do much more waiting and do much more work. You already know it's not going to be easy, so you can stop acting surprised about that. You can also stop acting like it's some kind of cosmic punishment. God is going to be right there, and you aren't going to have to do it alone.
6. He knows the way that I take. Essentially, God's got this. He's got you. You really don't have anything to worry about. Unless you want to. And you know how fun worrying is. For God's sake, stop reading those articles about the dismal statistics concerning the personal lives of educated black women. Stop thinking you haven't done something right, or that there's some magic thing you have to do. Think back to all the times you tried to do stuff on your own. Yeah, that's what I thought.
7. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is in you. Kind of self-explanatory. God has invested you with His Spirit. You literally possess all you need. Step out in confidence in the power God has bestowed upon you.
My friends and I stayed in Memphis for service on Sunday. There was a tongues and interpretation right before we left. This phrase sums everything up: "Try me, and I will reward your faith." What an encouraging promise. If we step out in faith, God is going to back that faith up with His power.
And yes, for the record, a couple of folks did try to holla. It was a Singles' conference, after all.
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