Well, strike three has been called.
Dear Chantell:
I am sorry to inform you that you have not been accepted to our graduate program in Spanish.
I'm floored. I'm flabbergasted. I thought . . . well, you thought wrong.
I'm just at a loss. I don't even know how to react. I don't think it's really hit me yet, like a delayed reaction or something. I called a few friends to let them know. I'll have to let everyone at work know once we get back (we're on Spring Break now) so the rumors can be sufficiently doused.
I wanted so desperately to get out of here. I wanted to leave. I wanted to move away from this suffocating place and start over, independently afresh, in the grand somewhere else. But God (and Wash U) said no.
Maybe I had my priorities mixed up. Maybe I went about this all wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have put all my eggs in one basket. Maybe I shouldn't have been so singleminded. This is what I want, I want what I want, and I don't want anything else. Maybe God is doing His thing as usual, and I'm clueless as usual.
I know I am temporal, fallible, carnal, and self-absorbed. I know that I am a piece of microscopic dust compared to God. I know that His ways are higher than our ways. I know that making demands of an all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present, eternal being is out of the human league. But I don't want to know the mysteries of the universe. I don't want to see the future. I just want to know what in the world I'm supposed to be doing, right here, right now. Because right now, I don't know. And right now, I'm back at square one. Directionless and unsure.
6 comments:
Square one is a lovely place for God to do His thing. God's hand is not limited. (this is not a series of meaningless cliches - I'm praying for you)
Sigh* I promise I went thru this same thing last week. I hate that you are going thru it!
It's so, so hard to understand.
I'm so sorry that Wash U. didn't accept your application for their program. However, I'm a little excited to see what God is going to do now!
I know it sucks to be feeling what you're feeling, and there really aren't words to console that you don't already know yourself.
I can say that I read this blog thinking, in 6 months or so, she's going to have a great opportunity head her way, and she's going to be hyper linking back to this post knowing why things happened they way they did.
Thanks, everyone for your encouraging comments. Though there was initial shock (who knew?), I've surprised myself at my resilience. Usually I descend into the melancholic depths for days over stuff like this, but God is helping me bounce back. Maybe He's trying to mold me into one of those superballs--the harder you bounce it, the higher it flies . . . or something. :-)
I do believe God is in control, and I'm looking forward to where He's going to take me next.
I am sorry to hear this. Sorry for Washington U. Losers. There will be a quality program out there that will take you in. Keep your chin up.
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