I finished a bottle of prenatal vitamins that weren't my favorite. Horse pills with a nasty aftertaste. So, this time I decided to get those gummy vitamins. Besides, I had a coupon for them. I had flashbacks of the days my mom would give us those Flintstone vitamins that tasted like candy.
Boy, was I wrong. Those things are revolting. I much prefer the horse pills. But now I'm stuck with a giant bottle of ghastly tasting gummies and have to take two a day. Boooooo!
Saturday starts week 11 of the pregnancy. I'm nearing the end of the first trimester. My three apps compare the baby's size to different fruits: one says it's the size of a prune, the other two say it's the size of a kumquat. According to the little picture it shows of the fetus (it graduated from embryo status this week), it actually looks like a little human and less like a reptilian alien with a tail. I have another ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to seeing how much the little one has grown since the last time.
I'm really trying to get it together. I've been pretty sluggish and fatigued lately. I don't feel like doing anything, going anywhere or talking to anyone. I've been a little lazy hermit lately. But I have things to do...classes to plan for, articles to revise...ugh. Not to mention a move next week. It's not a major move, just 10 minutes across town, but moving is always such a hassle.
Sometimes I can't believe that this is who I am. Like, a married, pregnant professor. I look at my husband sometimes and think, how am I married? Like, there's a grown man I wake up next to every morning that I will supposedly wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life. How am I literally carrying a human being inside of my body? How am I a professor? I mean, I know how, but as I was scrambling eggs this morning, I was overcome with this sense of How did I get here? I was suddenly struck with the fact that we make choices and one thing leads to another and we end up in certain places. It's not a negative thing, but it's just the realization that there is no way I could have ever guessed that I'd be in this particular place at this particular time. I mean, if someone had told me back in 2010 when I was going through the worst time in my life working at the job from hell that in a few years I'd be married, in Kentucky with a PhD and a better job and a baby on the way, I couldn't have imagined it. A PhD? (I swore I'd never get one.) In Kentucky? (Why?) Married to a guy you had barely even heard of 8 months before you got engaged? (Who does that?) When I say I couldn't have imagined it, I don't mean that now I'm at some sort of a golden place that is the end all, be all, I mean I couldn't have imagined it because none of it would have made sense to me at the time.
It's hard to see my present soon becoming my past. It's hard to see because although I realize I have come a long way, I want more. I'm grateful for this place, but I don't want to stay in this place. It's hard to see that I've never stayed in a place, so why would this present be my indefinite present, when none of my "presents" ever have? I want a good job for my husband. I want a house with lots of room to grow. I want a garden. I want to travel internationally with my family. In time.
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