This is what happens.

I'll just be sitting there, or just standing there, when suddenly, the weight of things that have happened in the past, their implications, my position at the time, the awkwardness, the embarrassment, the wondering what I was doing in that situation, the disbelief that I actually existed there, will all come collapsing into the pit of my stomach at once. And I'll sit there, or stand there, transfixed, mentally wishing it away but being oddly drawn to ponder it at the same time. I relive it while wishing it never happened. But do I really wish that? You can't cherry pick. It's an interconnected web. If you wish one thing didn't happen, you'd have to be willing to unlive all the causes and effects connected to it. Like when you pull a thread. I don't like that thread sticking out. I wanna get rid of it. But pull it, and it undoes more than just itself.