Open Letter to a Future Suitor

Dear Future Suitor,

I chose to address this to you, in the singular as opposed to an imagining of a multiplicity of suitors, because ideally, the next person I allow into my lifespace in a significant manner will be it.

I know, that sounds kind of "do or die" or whatever you want to call it, but that's how I feel.  Not "do or die" necessarily, but I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not playing around with you and don't have the time or energy to deal with your indecisiveness.

I guess that sounds kind of mean, and maybe after reading what I just wrote you don't want to be my future suitor anymore, and that's cool.  If you're the indecisive type who needs someone to help you figure out what you want, I get it. I do.  I used to be the Indecisive One.  But now, it's kind of like, dude, figure it out first, and then we can talk.  Seriously, don't suck me into your existential guy issues.  I used to be the girl who was willing to help the guy figure out what he wanted.  In fact, I kind of relished the role.  It allowed me to be noble and I had ample opportunities to nourish the hope that I was what he really wanted.  All I had to do to try to convince him was to let my goodness shine.

But no more.  If you need convincing, you ain't about that life.  No, really.  If you need convincing, then I'm going to have to ask you to go sit back down.

I'm reasonable, Future Suitor, believe me.  I'm not saying don't even approach me unless you have a ring in your pocket, a date marked down in your day planner and the color for the cummerbunds already picked out.  If you did, that would be kind of creepy, not to mention a little presumptuous.  All I'm saying is, you need to already know what you want before you approach me and not assume that I would be available to you to help you figure it out.  If you do your homework like a good Future Suitor, it won't take you too long to know whether I fit the bill.  Because if I did fit the bill, (and, presupposing you even had a conception of what "the bill" even looked like) you wouldn't then begin to languidly mull me over as if you were trying to decide whether you were thirsty enough to take a swig of warm Gatorade.  You would pursue me as if you were a pizza connoisseur and I was a piping hot box of pepperoni made in Little Italy.  That's all I'm saying.

I want you to be clear and stick to it, Future Suitor, that's all.  If you think I'm ya girl, let's talk about it.  If you have doubts that I'm ya girl, then keep it moving.  Don't try to keep me in a no man's land of  "I don't think I really want you, but I don't necessarily want to completely close the door on you, either."  Naw, son.  That right there is what will especially prompt me to tell you to go SEET down.

So, just a few things to keep in mind, Future Suitor. I look forward to meeting you in the near future.

Sincerely,

Me