Metacognition

Thinking about thinking.

I think way too much.  And I think about the way that I think.  Way too much.  I overanalyze.  I wish I could do auto-brain surgery and excise the part of my brain that does this.  I think I'd be much calmer and carefree. A friend said I'd be lobotomized.  Lobotomized me sounds quite awful, so maybe I should lay my surgery fantasies to rest.

There's a feeling at the base of my throat.  It's a feeling that threatens to turn into crying.  It's the realization that I'm heading back to Georgia to get back to the grind.  It's not that I don't want to go, necessarily.  If I stayed here in the Gump with my family indefinitely, I'd go crazy.  It's a new semester, my last semester of coursework.  A brand new, freshly-washed academic slate.  I'm looking forward to getting back to work.

It's the knowledge that I have a responsibility to follow through.  I'm not in this program just to enrich my Spanish vocabulary.  To create more student panels with transgressive titles in academese.  I'm in this program to get the credentials to get out there and get a job as a professor.  That's it.  I'm trying to enjoy the process, but the end goal is still in mind, and sometimes it weighs on me.  This is not for fun.  This is not a phase.  This is my life.

I also wish I could force my brain to stop making me feel stupid for reasons that simply have to do with being human:

Dear Brain,

I can wish and hope and feel.  I can be curious.  I can wonder.  I can allow my interest to be piqued.  I can enjoy.  I can want.  I can also refuse.  I can not want.  I can be uninterested.  I can be unattracted.  You are not allowed to make me feel stupid for any of these reasons and you are not allowed to make me feel obligated to feel any certain way for any certain reason.  I allow that many times I need to sort of reign things in.  Tone things down.  You're great at helping me do that.  I appreciate it.  But this constant emotional criticism needs to stop.

Sincerely,

Me

Note to self: Please relax.  Your brain just thinks it's in charge.  You can let it think that as long as it doesn't overstep its bounds.  You know Who's really in charge.  Take comfort in that.