Pre-Paper Writing Procrastinatory Thoughts

Amazing how much we can come up with to do to avoid doing what we have to do. Or, maybe I should just speak for myself.

1. Many people ask me what I plan to do after I get my Master's in Spanish, and the answer is I don't know. All I know is that I want to 1. go back to school 2. improve my Spanish and 3. go back to Spain, and pursing a Master's in Spanish will help me accomplish all three. One of the career options I've been juggling around in my mind is one in academia, like college professor, something like that. But if it takes every ounce of my being just to work up the nerve to begin to write a 15-pager, which, by academic standards, is small fries, (and let's not even talk about the Master's thesis that, if I'm going to really do this thing, will have to happen and will have to be more than 15 pages), then how in the universe could I contemplate making a living out of this? Let me back up--the teaching part would be fine, but the having to establish yourself by writing mad scholarly articles and going out of your mind trying to get published? As I heard many a professor comment, it's called publish or perish. Ay, ay, ay.

2. I've recently been prompted to ponder over the dichotomy inherent in what I want. Okay, okay, about what I want in Mr. Wonderful and about the prospect of being able to change my plain jane last name. (You've been warned.):

• The disconnect between what I say I want in a person and what I find myself attracted to.
• The disconnect between what I say I want to do and am doing and what I find myself wanting to do.

Maybe I can elaborate with some examples. I say that I want someone who's into travel and foreign language, but have been into people who weren't. I say that I want to be this Master's-degreed globetrotter, but find myself wondering if I'd be happy as a soccer mom. And this brings up another question, are globetrotter and soccer mom mutually exclusive? I don't think they necessarily are. Rather, I don't want to believe that they are.

And then, I was prompted to think about something that kind of scared me: Maybe the person for me will not be one who fits a preconceived "list," but will be someone who is simply the person for me. And then that made me think: Maybe the life that will make me happy is not the life I've planned out, but will simply be wherever life takes me. Why does that scare me? Because without my list or plan as something stable, something I can bank on, something I can hold on to, I'm out there. I'm vulnerable. I'm subject to unpredictables and uncontrollables. And I don't like that.

3. Both my dishes and my hair are dirty, and I must do something about that before I can feel comfortable sitting down to read and highlight the useful parts in the articles I printed out this morning (at least I've done something) before I can type the first stroke of the first word of my paper. (sigh) ::fans self with a cardboard fan:: Lawd ha' mercy.

P.S. -- Scroll down for Thanksgiving pictures.