On Self-Absorption

I think I’ve hit upon something. And I can only speak for myself, but I think I’ve finally nailed it: When I think too much about myself is when I get down. Self-absorption becomes depression.

This epiphany happened when I was in a depressed slump yesterday. Someone said something to me that I normally would have laughed off; in fact, it was about something that I often joke about myself—my single status. I bought one ticket to the annual church Christmas banquet and the sister selling them said, “Only one? You’re not coming with a beau?” It was so innocuous. Ordinarily, I would have had a cute quick comeback. But for some reason, that particular time, it threw me into a funk. The “poor me” credits began to roll.

It was all me. Everyone tells me “I can’t believe no one has just snatched you up yet.” Everyone always asks me “Why?” when I tell them I don’t have a boyfriend. When I broke off the last relationship because I thought I was doing the right thing, why did I remain alone? If I’m as pretty, intelligent, fill-in-the-blank, as people say, why am I unnoticed while all my friends are either dating, married, or about to be? I’m 24 and still living at home and clueless about what I’m really supposed to be doing. I feel like I’m not doing enough at my job, I feel inadequate, I feel unsure, I feel insecure, I feel immature . . . I, I, I, I, me, me, me, me. What I’m doing. What I’m feeling. How I measure up to others. My issues. It was all ME.

I had a “wait a minute” moment. I was sitting there, wallowing in pure, unadulterated self. When I realized it, it was so repulsive. I began to think about the other things that are okay to care about, but disastrous if cared too much about: my appearance, what others opinions are of me, being successful, this blog . . . the list goes on. Also, it's never cool to compare yourself to others. I should know better.

I never did finish reading The Purpose Driven Life, but the opening sentence of the book is so true, it’s almost become legendary: “It’s not about you.” I think if I really grasped that, I would feel down a whole lot less. I have a long way to go, I guess, but at least I realized something I need to work on.