You were one of the ones who got on my last nerve, I swear. One of the reasons I left that miserable job. Yeah, that job. The one that sucked the life out of me and turned me into someone I never want to be ever again in my life. The one where I lost a bunch of weight, made a few messed up life decisions and quit in the middle of the year.
But back to you, Anthony. You were a part of my worst class, 5th period. The class I had to take to and from lunch. The class who stupidly brought little roasted potatoes back from lunch and treated me to an in-class food fight. You were obnoxious, always finding an excuse to get up out of your seat, go to the bathroom, do anything but your work. You were always getting into it with the other kids, although I know it wasn't always you. I know, some of them would make fun of you and provoke you. The truth is, even though I often viewed you as a "problem student," I knew that at heart you were a good kid.
One thing my brain keeps going back to concerning you is the time someone messed up your food at lunch. I don't remember exactly what it was they did...like poured milk in it or something to make it inedible. You got SO mad. Oh, my God. You nearly got into a fight with the kid over it and afterward, I remember us standing there in front of my classroom door, you still super heated over the whole thing, and me, talking to you to try to calm you down. You were so upset, you started tearing up. "That was my FOOD, man!" you kept repeating. Suddenly, it hit me, and I felt ashamed. The reason you were so upset, tears welling up in your eyes because some stupid kid poured milk in your lunch was because having lunch at school was probably the only time you got substantial food during the day.
Another thing surprised me. When I finally announced that I was leaving, you were one of the most vocal ones crying out in protest. "Pleeeeeassse don't leave, Miss Smith. I'll change my ways, I'll be good in class, on God, if you just pleeeease don't leave us." I remember cynically thinking, really? Now you want to change your tune after putting me through hell? I couldn't believe that you, of all people, were begging me to stay. It was slightly amusing.
Anthony, I couldn't believe it when I got on Facebook yesterday and saw some of my former students, your former classmates, posting R.I.P messages about you. (Yes, some of them wanted to be my Facebook friend after I left, and I figured why not.) I immediately messaged one of my most dependable students from that time and asked what had happened. She told me that you were shot and killed the other night while playing dice with a group of others. She didn't give me all the details, but I can fill in the blanks. Some argument probably arose between you...I'm guessing money was probably at stake.
What a senseless killing. What a senseless death. I'm sorry, Anthony. I'm sorry for you and your family and for all the people affected by losing you.
I thought about you for a long time yesterday. I wondered if maybe I should have stuck with that miserable job until the end of the year. I had the chance to affect your life in some way, but I was too demoralized, cynical and burnt out to think about anybody but myself. I really hated where I was in my life during that time, but I'm really trying to learn that it's not always about me. For what it's worth, I will always remember you.
Your former Spanish teacher,
Miss Señorita Smith
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