Back at It

If I can just ______, then I'll finally feel like _______.

If I could have a dime for each time the filling-in-the-blanks with any phrasal combination of my brain's choosing was NOT true...

It really seems like it would be true, like, when you finally attain that thing, you just know you're going to feel this certain way.  Well, let me qualify it, maybe it's true that you will feel a certain way, but the feeling never lasts.

If I had considered this when I was say, in my early to mid twenties, I would have thought that idea was depressing.  But now, it's kind of liberating.  Like, the realization that you cannot depend on any earthly event, accomplishment or situation to indefinitely "make you happy" lessens the insane pressure that comes with essentially worshiping the destination and forces you soak in the journey.

Enough philosophizing.  The current fill-in-the-blank combination which has once again proven itself untrue is "If I can just finish this last chapter, then I'll finally feel like I can breathe."

I mean, it felt amazing finally turning it in, but now the reality of the remainder of hard work that still lies ahead is sinking in.  Right now, I'm revising my very first analysis chapter per my adviser's comments.  While I'm thankful that my first draft was "solid" according to her, no red flags or fundamental unsoundness of my analysis were detected, most of my revisions are more complicated than rewording or moving around a sentence or two.  More like "reframing" entire sections, adding several bits of critical/theoretical support...tasks that aren't herculean, necessarily, but that can be time-consuming.  No quick fixes.  And I still have the introduction to contend with.  It's going to be a reworking of my prospectus, so at least I'm not starting from scratch.  But the intro is a pretty big deal, so it's not like I can just throw it together and dust off my hands.  The only thing I will concede is not a huge deal is the conclusion.  So, anyway, I'm back at it.

There is small cause for celebration, however, and it is that I won a Summer Doctoral Research Fellowship.  I'm praising the Lord because this will definitely make our lives easier before our big move.  P scored a summer class (which is not in danger of being cancelled, it's an online class and those fill up pretty quickly) and combined with my fellowship, we'll be good.  My sweet guy got me one of my yummy favorites, a strawberry shortcake, in honor of my accomplishment.  Yay!

I still have my work cut out for me, but it's all coming together and I have a lot to be grateful for.