I need to ask myself a question right now . . .

Me: Hey, can I ask you something?

Me: Uh, sure.

Me: Can you stop being awkward?

Me: Huh?

Me: Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  When will you stop being awkward and giving yourself empty feelings?

Me: (Sigh.) You're acting like I'm doing this on purpose.  I say things (text things) that just slip out and I mean them one way, but they can be easily taken another way.  It's not me, it's them.

Me: See?  That's exactly what your problem is.  It's never you, is it?

Me: I mean, I know it's me, as in, I'm the one doing/saying/texting awkward things, but I'm not the one misinterpreting the awkwardness.

Me: (laughing) How do you "misinterpret" awkwardness?  You don't think through things before they come tumbling out.  One of the prime characteristics of being irredeemably awkward.  There's nothing to be "misinterpreted."  It just is.

Me: Easy for you to say.  But it's like . . . I don't know.  Almost like I can't help myself.  Just by virtue of being me, it seems like I'm destined to continue to place myself in these empty feeling-like situations.

Me: Well, you need to get a hold of yourself.  Stop being a weirdo, and think about things before you let them cross your lips or before you hit "send."  For real. Stop embarrassing me.