Postpartum: Babies cry.

A failed attempt at a 4-month belly badge pic

Allow me a moment of maternal venting, if you will. Ahem.

I think it's safe to say there's a general consensus that one of the most frequent things babies do is cry. Like, this is not an earth-shattering revelation, a counter-intuitive discovery, or some sort of paradigm shift to conventional wisdom. Literally, baby in your presence = high probability you will hear it cry. We get this, right? We're all on the same page with this, are we not?

As a church-goer, one of the places my baby tends to cry in public is in the middle of church. Again, not a shocker.

So, if I may so humbly ask, why the heck do people feel the need to

1. Watch your every maneuver to a. soothe your baby or b. exit the sanctuary with your baby?
2. Inform you after service that your baby cried/Jokingly suggest that you (the parent) "did something" to "their baby" (not the parent) to make them cry/Ask if the baby is okay/Comment on the volume and/or pitch of your baby's cry?

Bruh. Babies cry. Especially teething 4-month olds. Often loudly. Almost always at the most inopportune times. I get it if the baby starts wailing and people fail to suppress their involuntary response to crane their necks to determine the source of the disturbance. I understand that. As a parent, I agree that part of what I signed up for is accepting the initial looks of innocent bystanders when your little one decides to disturb the peace. But what I don't understand is the subsequent ogling of my every move once it's been determined that the sound is my baby crying. What I didn't sign up for was my baby's crying to be the theme music to The Attempted Baby Soothing and Eventual Exit Show. I don't need you to tune in, my friend. There are no Nielsen ratings to be kept track of. No witty recaps to seek out. No #spoileralerts to avoid. So, get your eyeballs off of me and little boy and back on the deliverer of the Word of God. Which is supposedly a large part of the reason you're at church to begin with, is it not? I swurr.

Additionally, the fake smiles and empty laughs I offer in response to your inane questions and commentary (e.g. "He's got a set of lungs on him, don't he?" "Wow, he was fussy today!" "Y'all better leave my baby alone! Haha." "Awww, what was the matter with little man today?") mask a deep, barely-contained wave of annoyance which courses through my entire being. Truly, what is the purpose of reminding me of not only the obvious, but the virtually unforgettable: My son behaved like an entirely normal human baby during service by crying? Does it give you a little thrill, a sense of satisfaction, a source of condescending entertainment?  Haha, look at the poor little new parents struggling to manage their baby. Perhaps I should comment or ask a question to remind them their child made a ton of noise during service. It'll be so fun! You, ma'am and sir, can go saddown. In fact, you can go have a stadium full of seats. Surriously. Like, you ain't helping, so you can keep your little funny commentary after the fact to yourself.

This message has been brought to you by Passive-Aggressive Mothers of America.