1. I feel like I'm not a good worker. I am not writing my dissertation. I am taking way too long to just finish. Why can't I just sit down and focus and write? I cannot stand how terribly I've procrastinated. It feels like every word I attempt to type is pure garbage. I keep trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter, that it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be done. I hate that I've put myself in this situation. It is 100% my own fault. I'm already not going to walk in a graduation ceremony. I feel like I don't deserve to walk in one anyway because of how much time I've thrown away, like I don't deserve to celebrate, and I utterly hate it.
2. I know I'm driving my husband crazy. If I were him, I would not want to be with me right now. This is what I hate the most because when I'm in my selfish little whining procrastinatory sad world, it sloshes all over him. I end up making him feel badly for no reason. No reason at all. It's what I hate the most about myself and it's what I desperately wish I could change the most. I really hate seeing other people negatively affected by me. My moods. My absurd ways of conceptualizing things. It's terrible and ridiculous, but it's what makes me feel like he would be better off without me. I hate that I allow this stupid thought to even enter my mind.
3. We're in a position to move together and we want to stay together. We don't want to do the long-distance academic couple thing. We just don't. And we don't have to. He'll be done with coursework and he doesn't have to finish his program on site. But since he's decided to move with me, what that means is that he'll no longer be on assistantship, which means that he'll no longer be a full-time student, which means he won't be eligible for certain grants/awards, which means that he'll be missing out on opportunities that he could benefit from academically and professionally. And it feels really unfair. And I hate it. I don't want to be separated. I don't want to be alone. But I don't want him to be disadvantaged, and I feel really badly about it. I know what he wants is for us to stay together and it's what I want, too. But if we have to sacrifice being together for him to have more opportunities that would help him in the long run...I hate that we're in this position.
4. Whenever I read things that are supposed to help people who have committed their careers to academia (i.e. The Chronicle of Higher Education), it makes me want to scream and cry. It makes me feel like I'm not cut out for this, that I don't have what it takes to be successful. My worst fear is that all of this time, all of this education, all of this dedication will be worth nothing. That it's all an exercise in futility. I almost don't care anymore. It was never my dream to get a PhD and ascend to the upper echelons of the ivory tower. That is not me. All I wanted was to have a satisfying job doing something I'm passionate about. Because what I thought I was passionate about doing before starting this program, at least the circumstances under which I was doing it, was not it. That is the only reason I did this. Because my last job was the job from hell, and I needed a ticket out. I'm being honest. I didn't start a PhD program because it was my dream. I started it because it was a way out. I'm not saying I regret doing this. It was where I needed to be at the time. I furthered my education, connected with a lot of wonderful people (including my husband!), and had great experiences. I don't regret it. But I am too old to be unstable and insecure in my career goals. I am too old to be "finding myself" and "figuring out my passions." That's what I hate. That continued sense of instability that I wanted to be done away with a long time ago.
5. I want to have a baby and I want to wait to have a baby at the same exact time in equal amounts. But I'm afraid to wait. I'm not getting any younger, and the very idea of fertility treatments makes me feel sick. When is the perfect time to have a baby? When is the perfect time to make any kind of change, any kind of life-altering decision? There isn't one. We don't have a perfect set of circumstances awaiting us at a perfectly appointed time in the indeterminate future. It just doesn't exist, and I wish I could rid my mind of that absurd idea. All we have is now. All we are given is today. And I have been terrible at being thankful for today, living in today, doing the best I can today. The one thing I obsess over is the one thing I have no control over: how things will play out in the future. It's a shameful waste of time and energy. It's a relationship-drainer. I know it, but I can't seem to help myself, and I absolutely hate it.
No comments:
Post a Comment