Confessions

1. Writing my dissertation is hard, and I'm behind on my writing schedule.

2. I should be in my library carrel right now, but I'm not.

3. My hair is dirty and I don't feel like washing it right now, so I'll probably throw on a hat and call it a day.

4. I asked my husband whether he'd had a thing for a certain girl in our department before we started dating, and once he admitted that he had, I immediately regretted asking him.  Now, I feel stupid, not to mention hypocritical, for being bothered by it.

5. When I'm confronted with the fact that I am extremely blessed and have an overabundance of things to be thankful for, I feel convicted and I make a mental note to be more purposefully and explicitly grateful.  God knows I don't take it for granted.  But when I feel the way I feel this morning, it makes me feel bad again because I don't understand why it's so easy for the security of knowing that I am blessed slip away from me.

6. After all this time, I am still uncomfortable with uncertainty and I still struggle with trying to control my life, all the while knowing how futile it is.

7. Sometimes when my husband is asleep and I'm still awake, I look at him and wonder why I married someone so different from me and why he married someone so different from him.

8. A professor took me out to lunch this week to celebrate my getting an article published.  It was originally a paper I wrote for her class.  She was giving me advice about applying for jobs, mentioning that I shouldn't count out applying for posts at flagships on the West Coast even though it's far from where I want to settle because after a year or two I could enter the job market again and it would look attractive on my CV and give me some leverage for a more desirable position in the future.  I wanted to tell her that I don't care about applying to places strategically, I don't care about increasing the attractiveness of my stupid CV, I don't care about being a successful academic.  I want to finish this program, get a job, settle down and start a family.  I'm tired of moving around and feeling unsettled.