Why, then, is my brain being lit up with baby fantasies?
I know I don't want one. Not right now. It would just be too hard and too weird and just too much. Ugh, knocked up/writing a dissertation/trying to find a job/maybe moving/still being a newlywed. Just a jumble of stuff that would just be ugh. My brain knows I don't want that. Not for real.
But then I keep having these visions of myself glowing with maternal radiance and wearing these flowing maternity clothes and my husband being the sweetest husband in the world and taking care of me. I imagine carrying this beautiful, fat, brown baby. Curly, coppery hair, dimples (in the cheek like him or in the chin like me), and devastatingly long, dark lashes.
I imagine baby foods: applesauce, bananas, those grainy cookies they gum down until they're soaked through with saliva. I want to decorate my baby's room with a Curious George theme. My baby is definitely going to be bilingual, we've already decided that. My husband and I are both fluent in Spanish and plan to consistently use the language with our child.
I imagine my parents being the most happy humans in the world. Finally. A grandchild. I know my in-laws would of course be happy, too, but my husband has older siblings who have already married and produced grandchildren. My future baby (unless one of my brothers beats me to it, which, at this point, I highly doubt) will be my parents' first.
Even after so many questions have been settled, new ones always arise. Who knows where we're going to be, where we're going to be headed, what we're going to be doing this time next year? I still feel unsettled. And I feel like things have to be settled before we bring a baby into the equation. But then I ask, are things ever "settled"?
But then I keep having these visions of myself glowing with maternal radiance and wearing these flowing maternity clothes and my husband being the sweetest husband in the world and taking care of me. I imagine carrying this beautiful, fat, brown baby. Curly, coppery hair, dimples (in the cheek like him or in the chin like me), and devastatingly long, dark lashes.
I imagine baby foods: applesauce, bananas, those grainy cookies they gum down until they're soaked through with saliva. I want to decorate my baby's room with a Curious George theme. My baby is definitely going to be bilingual, we've already decided that. My husband and I are both fluent in Spanish and plan to consistently use the language with our child.
I imagine my parents being the most happy humans in the world. Finally. A grandchild. I know my in-laws would of course be happy, too, but my husband has older siblings who have already married and produced grandchildren. My future baby (unless one of my brothers beats me to it, which, at this point, I highly doubt) will be my parents' first.
Even after so many questions have been settled, new ones always arise. Who knows where we're going to be, where we're going to be headed, what we're going to be doing this time next year? I still feel unsettled. And I feel like things have to be settled before we bring a baby into the equation. But then I ask, are things ever "settled"?
No comments:
Post a Comment