Inner Smile

I'm currently obsessed with this song.  The original comes from the soundtrack of one of my favorite movies, Bend It Like Beckham, and then I realized the band had done a soulful 60s remix of it.  I like it better than the original.

Everything about being in this particular moment in time, this Sunday evening, relaxing at home with a cup of tea, makes me smile.

Husband and I visited some friends for the 4th of July weekend, came back, silently but companionably unpacked our stuff and slipped into chill mode.  Except now I'm still in chill mode and he decided to skate for a while.  I have a skateboarding husband.  That makes me smile, too.

I've been kind of sedentary this summer.  Hunched over my laptop grading stuff for this online class, editing and doing other side projects...I can't gain even a smidgen of weight without it being noticeable.  I'm getting a little soft around the middle.  Better start doing some crunches and planks or people (those same "people" to whom I address passive-aggressive rants) are going to take it upon themselves to ask if I've got a bun in the oven.

I do fantasize about having a baby, though.  Even though in real life I am deathly afraid of having one right now.  But just the idea...what if I did?  The knowledge that I could realistically turn up preggo simultaneously thrills and terrifies me.

When we were in Pittsburgh last weekend, we went to church and during worship, hubs was holding his sweet little baby nephew.  Just the way that he was tenderly holding him made estrogen come running out of my pores.  I must have been looking at him with serious mother hunger in my eyes because a lady sitting in front of me who must have been observing us for a minute touched my arm, smiled and said, "I know that look."  For some reason, I felt like I had been caught red-handed.  Why is maternal longing something I want to hide?

I'm afraid to romanticize having a baby.  But I just can't help but imagine our baby possessing an otherworldly beauty, and I know that the baby will enter the world with SO MANY people loving the stew out of it.  Like, I don't think there will be a being more loved in the world than our baby.

But, back to earth.  There are dissertations to finish and jobs to procure.  For now, though, I smile.  I enjoy this little piece of peace.