It's Really Not My Day, But That's Okay

It's YOUR day.  Things should be the way YOU want them to be.  You only get married once!  

The last statement is usually followed by a qualifier (cuz in these last and evil days...), but these are common things said to the bride-to-be.  It's about YOU.  What matters is that YOU'RE happy, that you get what YOU want.

But let's be real, shall we?  It's so not about me.  It just isn't.

There's something slightly meta about my complaint that "my day" is really not about me, and it's this: The very idea of my wedding day being "mine" and the idea that "my happiness" with everything is paramount being foisted onto me is itself what I don't want.

Do you see what I'm saying?  People wanting me to "be happy" with all the choices that are made concerning my wedding and wanting me to own "my big day" and wanting me to want "what I want" is itself a type of pressure that masks itself as not-pressure because it's supposedly simply about my desires for something I've always dreamed of.

Rather, something I'm supposed to have always dreamed of.

I'm not saying that I haven't always wanted to get married.  There were times in my life that it wasn't a frantic priority, but I'll be honest enough to say that as I got older, it did become more of a priority.  It is something that I've always wanted—to be a wife and, one day, a mother.  And I am thrilled that I'm marrying a man who has a relationship with God, who absolutely adores me and who also wants to have a family.  Marriage and family are things I've always dreamed of, for sure.

But THE DAY.  The fanfare of THE DAY is not something I've always dreamed of.  Sure, there are things that I've wanted when and if THE DAY ever came for me.  I wanted a medieval/Renaissance-style dress with draping Queen Guinevere sleeves.  I wanted sunflowers to be involved.  I wanted the color lavender to be involved.  I wanted it to be outside.  These are the specific things I've wanted and, so far, all of those things are going to be a part of THE DAY.  Give me my sleeves, my sunflowers and my lavender outside.  That is all I ask.

But I haven't had little pink princess cupcakes with frosting and sprinkles dreams of my wedding ever since I was a little girl.  I haven't had this rapturous vision of how everything must be for my happiness to be ensured.  And sometimes, because I don't have this rapturous vision, because I don't insist on creating this rapturous vision, I feel not-pressured into wanting what I'm not even sure I want.

To be fair, I am a person who is reluctant to speak up about something if I don't really want it or like it.  Most people who say these things to me truly want me to be happy and not be afraid to voice what I want.  But even the most benign, "Aren't you excited?" or reminder that "it's only one day, so make it count" can make me feel slightly pressured and paranoid.  Like, of course I'm excited, but if I'm not the kind of excited people expect to see (after having been single for sooooooo long, oh, Lord I thought you'd never find someone, you should be screaming from the rooftops and flashing your engagement ring in everyone's face because the Lord finally had mercy on your poor single soul), have I exhibited bride-to-be excitement failure?  If my one day doesn't blind you with exquisiteness, have I failed to make it count?

My mom said, "If you really don't want to have a ceremony, you don't have to have one."  Yeah, right.  So many people would call for my public guillotining if I said that for real.  But it's not even about my not wanting to have a ceremony.  I think it would be nice to have one.  There are so many people who have loved and cared for and supported me and who are important to me and I think celebrating this day with them is a nice idea.  It's also probably the only day that our families will all be together.  It's a day that I'll want to remember.  But all of the reasons that I want to have a ceremony have nothing to do with my wedding as MY day.  If I have a ceremony (which I will), it will be precisely because it isn't my day.  It's also everyone else's day because I'm choosing to share it with them by having a ceremony in the first place.  And that's okay.