The Impossible Desire to Be Understood By All

I'm laughing at the title of this post right now because it seems like the title of a 90s teen angst-filled miniseries.  It sounds ludicrous, but it's the only thing that comes to mind for now.

I have to constantly fight to repress this adolescent idea that I am utterly singular, that my experience, my position, this place in which I find myself, is utterly unique.  I really have to let that go.  Because if I don't, I will constantly contend with this existential sense of "why me?" that is pointless and emotionally draining.

Nevertheless, the idea that anyone who knows me would look at me, look at my choices, look at this place in which I find myself and "not understand" is somewhat distressing to me.

Why do I insist on expending mental energy on thinking I could satisfactorily answer other people's whys?

I did something that only social media addicted people would ever conceive of doing: I checked to see if a particular person I more or less grew up with had "liked" the announcement of my engagement or the announcement of the wedding date on FB.  Negative.  It's a person that I've always considered a friend, but maybe a person whom others always assumed I would end up with and maybe a person who tried to explore the possibility of a relationship in the past.

Can I admit that it bothered me just a little bit?  I hate that it did, but I'm just being honest.  I began to think about the negative things he was thinking.  That perhaps he just couldn't understand why I would reject the obvious, the practically inevitable (to some) and opt for the, for lack of a better term, less conventional.  That my decision was so bewildering that he couldn't bring himself to congratulate me in any way or even "like" it to at least show acknowledgement.

Why do I care?  I use this particular instance as an example, but perhaps there are other instances that fall under the same or a similar category.  Besides, my imaginings of someone else's negative thoughts are just that, imaginings that aren't based in reality and would be better off disregarded.  I really shouldn't care.  I need to get over it.  I recognize that.  I honestly do.

When the new semester starts in the fall, I'm going to have to especially woman up and be prepared for encounters.  lol.  I know I'm being vague, but suffice it to say I'm just going to have to be matter of fact and then just keep it movin.

I keep coming to the same conclusion: I'm going to have to finally learn to own my choices.  I'm going to have to learn to deal with the reality that there are some people who won't "understand."