Can We Just Be Friends?

Things have been well.  Teaching, reading for comps.  I'm feeling like I'm supposed to be a teacher again, which is nice.  In addition to teaching my own classes yesterday, I was frantically conscripted to be a sub for a level higher than I'm teaching right now. I was a little nervous about it at first, but I walked in and was totally fine.  It's a nice feeling to know there is a possibility for me to have a career where I can walk in and be myself.

I've found my cure for the common blues: Baking zucchini bread.  If I ever get into a bad spot, all I need to do is start baking up a storm and then proceed to give away loaves of homey, warm, sweet goodness.  There's something about making and giving away something that can be consumed and enjoyed by many that gives a little lift to the spirits.

Now, to the matter at hand.  It's an age-old conundrum.  Is there truly such thing as just friends between two heterosexual members of the opposite sex?  But more importantly, especially after a bit of line blurring (NOT of the Robin Thicke variety) is it ever possible to hit the reset button and go back to the way things were?

I say nay.

Is that to say things can't remain on friendly terms?  Is that to say you can't ever spend time together?  Is that to say you can't remain a part of each other's lives in some way?

Again, I say nay.  But things take time.  Lots of time.  Would I consider it a little presumptuous for someone to think that "hanging out as friends" could be interspersed with "moving forward" at this juncture?

Ben, oui.

A friend deciding to pursue a more-than-friend state of affairs with another friend should have known the risks, yea, knew the risks that could possibly incur.  And one of the risks is permanently altering the friendship that was.  Voilà.

There are risks involved in opening yourself up to another person.  Tell me about it.  But under any circumstances and in any fashion, opening myself up to anyone, be it for the first time or the fifth, is going to be on my terms.  When and if I'm ready.  C'est comme ça.

At this point in time, I am doing what's best for me.  What's best for me is guarding my heart and maintaining my sanity and getting my work done.

The way things were is exactly that.  The way things were.  If anything is to be maintained, it's going to involve figuring out the terms of the way things are now.  And it very well may not include "hanging out."  At least, not in the way that is being requested.  Hypothetically.

This is something I realized about myself and my life the other day: The times I have been the most miserable is when I've been the least consistent.  When I've gone back and forth.  Regarding my career, past relationships (if you can call them that), spirituality . . . when I failed to make a decision and stick with it, I've literally made myself sick.  My past inconsistency placed me into some pretty wretched spots.  I can't afford to go back there.  I just can't.

Being in a certain situation has been tiring and emotionally draining, and I'm done.  It's 100% out of my hands, and I'm not going to construct mental narratives around it any longer.

God is good.  He never fails to give me reminders that He knows where I am and that He has it under control.  I have to keep trusting in that.