It seems that I always find myself in awkward spaces. Or is it just that I'm an awkward person, so the spaces I find myself in are awkward by default?
Even so, I should be okay with being awkward, shouldn't I?
This is what I don't like: Being in a spot where I feel I have to force a smile or fake amusement, and being in a spot where I feel obligated to hold back my boisterous laugh. I usually lose on the last one.
You know when you see someone you know from a distance and you're walking towards each other, and you know it's them even though you're really far apart? But you don't want to try to wave or otherwise acknowledge them when you're too far apart, because that would be awkward. You have to sort of look down and pretend to be engaged elsewhere, and then when you get close enough, look up and smile and wave and say a quick greeting as you pass each other. I hate having to do these awkwardness-avoiding things. Because it makes me feel even more awkward.
Waiting for the bus in a hot black shirt because you didn't think it was going to be that sunny or warm. Standing out there in your boots, even, sun beating down. Yeah, it cooled down eventually, but for those awkward minutes out in the sun, waiting for the bus, constantly shifting your weight, folding and unfolding your arms, tingling beginnings of sweat formation. In late October.
To your colleagues, you're a prude. With your skirts and your tights. I even sent a FB message to someone letting them know I deleted a couple of their comments on my posts because they contained profanity. They probably didn't even notice I had deleted them, but I felt like I should be honest and explain myself just in case they did. Why do I still feel antsy and awkward about having done that? They weren't offended and totally understood. But now, what's going on in my mind about what's going on in their mind: squeaky clean, Pollyanna, nervous, repressed, squeamish little self-righteous rabbit.
To the church-bloc, you're an unmarried anomaly. See, that's why. With all of your worldly knowledge. Forever in school. Obama-loving liberal. I just don't understand how . . . of course you don't. How could you? Even when I'm smiling that toothy smile during meet-and-greet, what's going on in my mind about what's going on in their mind: liberal, weird, proper-talking smartypants, lonely single old maid.
Stop thinking and start being. What else can you do but learn to be consistently comfortable with yourself?
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