I'm a Coward

I hate to admit it, but it's true.

Okay, if it's some kind of thing where I feel wronged, or if I feel that someone is acting weird around me because maybe I've unknowingly wronged them but they don't want to talk about it, I'm usually woman enough to cut all the pretenses and address it, despite my generally non-confrontational manner. There's no sense going around and being fake when you know that something is up. Let's get everything out on the table and talk about it.

But when it comes to other social matters, especially when dealing with members of the opposite sex, I'm a coward. But, and please forgive my old-schoolness, I believe that the man should be the pursuer, so to speak, so when I say I'm a coward I'm not talking about my tendency to be a little timid. I'm talking about when there's someone that I fear is trying to get his swerve on that I don't want to pursue me.

At the risk of sounding like I think I'm some sought-after princess, I'm just honestly saying that I can usually tell when someone has . . . intentions. And sadly, more often that not, whatever it is that makes me give a guy the green light doesn't happen. And I kind of wonder about myself because of that. It's like, what the heck do I want?! Am I doomed to existing in this netherworld of unsurety? But anyway, so then I'm left in an uncomfortable (to me) place. I know that I don't want to go down that road, so why even allow him to take a step? I don't even want to get to the place where I may have to reject him, because I hate doing that. So what do I do? Avoid him. Like I said, I'm a coward.

Let me clarify something. I do not believe in leading a man on. Not by any stretch of the imagination. If I arrive at the dreaded place of having to let a guy down, I will do it, gently yet clearly so that there is no doubt about what I mean. And then I'll feel miserable afterward, but console myself with the fact that at least I was honest. But the cowardice that I'm talking about is the avoidance of even interacting with someone because I fear that he might try to make an undesired move and then I'll be put into the wretched position of turning him down.

It's absurd. But it keeps me from having to be the bad guy, and it keeps him from having to be rejected. Yeah, but it's still absurd. That's why I ate leftover Chinese take out from like a week ago instead of staying after church to have a nice Sunday dinner on the grounds.