So, I've come to the end of my first semester as an actual, real live professor. I have one more section of exams to grade (and then I have to actually enter the overall grades into the system) before I can say I'm done (oh, and then I have the email the bookstore my book selections for next semester before it gets too late...ugh!) but I'm just about there.
While I have honestly enjoyed my time here so far—I enjoy my students, I get along with my colleagues and I've had a ton of support from them as well as the administration—I have to be honest and say I have struggled with insecurity. Some people would specifically categorize it as impostor syndrome. I constantly question whether I should even be where I am. Whether academia is where I belong. My mind gets crowded with perceptions of my inadequacy, my lack of experience, my lack of expertise. But not just that, the feeling that I should be knowledgeable about a certain thing, or have experience in a certain area, or have traveled to a certain part of the world, but I don't or haven't simply because I haven't given enough effort, further proof of my unsuitability for the place in which I somehow ended up.
But sometimes, little jewels are unexpectedly dropped into your lap. Things that make you feel like, despite the uncertainty, despite the insecurity, the questioning of yourself and your place, that maybe you're okay. You're not perfect, but maybe you're doing something right. Yesterday, I got an email from a student that totally made my day:
I hope you are having a good start to your winter break!! I just wanted to email you and thank you for such a memorable first semester. Your class was by far my favorite class because of the enthusiasm and joy you brought everyday. You made my learning experience much more enjoyable, and after a full day of classes I was always relieved to come to Spanish. I also wanted to thank you for your outstanding effort in making sure my needs as a student were met. You wanted the best for our class and you always made sure we knew you were there for us! I felt like you genuinely cared about my development as a student, and that is something a lot of teachers can't do. You don't know how much it means to me that you gave your full effort. Especially since this was your first year at [name of institution] (hopefully you get to stay for many more)! But I just wanted to make sure you knew how much of an impact you had on me. You set the bar high, and I hope to see you back on campus next semester! Have an awesome break and Merry Christmas!
Wow...I was just floored. And my little teacher heart felt really warm and fuzzy. I wrote him back, thanking him for his kind words.
And that brings me to something else...will I be back next year? I think there's a good chance that I will be asked to stay. A colleague is going on sabbatical and I've been told that a request to extend the visiting position (my current position) has been submitted to the Dean. But nothing has been offered or made official or contracts signed yet, so I'm still exploring other options. So far, I have interviews lined up with two other institutions. There's a lot to consider. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
What I'm wondering now is whether I'll have a little Christmas surprise this month. It would seem especially apt this month, what with the whole reason for the season being that For unto us a child is born...lol. I guess the ubiquitous birthing/maternal imagery in our traditional carols aren't made any more clear to you than when you're actually considering "bringing forth a son." Actually, we'd prefer a girl first, but of course would be happy either way.
As with so many other things, we'll just have to wait and see.
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