So Far, So Good

Often times, I come home and my brain is just worn out.  All I want to do is munch microwave popcorn while being mesmerized by clip after clip of cooking videos on Facebook.  There's something about those recipe videos that are comforting,  You can witness the accelerated process of the transformation of a few ingredients into something delicious.  They're just satisfying to watch.

Sometimes it feels like this person who is not me but is me is doing stuff that the real me wouldn't do.  The real me just wants to be a bum, eat Nutella, drink loads of La Croix and watch Chopped.  But this other me is a professor, doing all this professorial stuff, having an office and preparing for conferences and soliciting funds to bring Afro-Latina writers to her institution.  The other me has a monogrammed tote bag in which I ferry books and folders to and from Accelerated Elementary Spanish and Advanced Spanish Conversation and makes plans to Skype in Afro-Peruvian activists to chat with her students.  If I just consider the other me, I think, well, maybe I'm doing all right.  But then the real me reminds me of who I actually am: A lazy, time-wasting girl who wishes that all she had to do was nothing.

Uncertainty is the word of the day.  Unsure of where I'll be after this year.  Having to apply for a new job after having barely started this one.  The jury is still out on whether a bun has been successfully placed in the oven.  I have a husband in the thick of comps, prospectus writing and conference preparation.  A mother-in-law and stepfather-in-law visit on the horizon, and I can already hear my anxiety-laced heart beating with the desire for everything to be planned, perfect and enjoyable.

I want to let the waves just wash over me.  They're inevitable.  Ceaseless.  Life is going to happen and it's messy, unstructured and uncertain, so just let the life waves come.  You can't stop them, so why expend precious energy trying to order and contain something as powerful and constant as the tide? There is a tide in the affairs of men...

We loved our last pastor.  Red-haired, red-faced, Southern as a ripened Georgia peach, and compassionate in surprising ways.  One bright Sunday morning, he preached a message called "So Far, So Good."  Just the idea that the future is unknowable and ungraspable, and that you may not presently be where you would like to eventually be, but what we can take comfort in is the fact that so far, God has been faithful.  So far, so good.

Right now, I love the house we're in.  Spacious.  Quiet.  Meals outside on the patio.  Natural light pouring in through the blinds.  Right now, I enjoy the classes I teach.  Eager, motivated students.  A space where I can be the teacher I've always been.  Right now, I cherish the connection I have with my husband.  A sweet, handsome, earnest man.  I know that what he does is for us.  I know that when we get pregnant, he will be present, supportive.  Right now, I appreciate the church we've decided to make our home.  A tiny bit of a drive, but worth it for its vibrancy and diversity.  So far, so good.