I have a PhD. I am a professor.

I've had a bit of trouble wrapping my mind around those two facts.

It's just going to take a little time for me to "own" where I am educationally and professionally.

My brain is still functioning in grad student mode...it's been functioning in that mode for quite a while.  It's just this mode of deference to people who are professors, experts.  Planning my lessons as a teaching assistant within the confines of rigid, departmental syllabi.  But now that I am a professor, now that I am considered an expert (of sorts), now that I am tasked with creating my own syllabi, what now?  I have a lot of freedom at this institution, but I can't help thinking there's a "right way" to do everything and I can't shake the feeling that I don't know what I'm doing or that I might be somehow doing it "wrong." 

It seems like every milestone has a similar emotional structure.  Questioning whether there is a right way to go about things.  Feeling the weight of my ignorance.  Hoping I'm not somehow doing it wrong.  

After I got married, the question of the day was "How does it feel to be married?"  As if I would intrinsically change upon saying "I do."  I knew that my life would be different, that my mindset would have to change, but me, the me that I've always been, didn't feel any different.  I feel the same way about attaining my PhD.  "How does it feel to be a 'doctor'?"  I mean, I recognize and celebrate my achievement for what it is, but I don't feel any different.  I haven't attained an extra layer of confidence or security that I finally have it figured out or that I have it all together.  I feel like the same me that I was before.

I have a feeling that parenthood will follow the same emotional structure as the other milestones.  The recognition that you're undergoing another transition.  Questioning whether there is a right way to go about things.  Feeling the weight of my ignorance.  Hoping I'm not somehow doing it wrong.

And, while we're on the parenthood topic, well, first of all, who knows if things will happen the way that we're "planning" for them to.  Judging from my life's track record, chances are that they won't.  Still, I've been questioning whether our desired timing is advisable.  But after thinking about it for a while, I just feel like it is as good a time as any.  Maybe even better in some ways.  This is my first year at a new place.  At this institution, first-year faculty are never tasked with service responsibilities, and because my position is visiting, I'm not on the tenure clock.  My work responsibilities are as light as they probably ever will be for a while.  So, we'll see.