First Musings of 2016

First of all, I will start out this New Year changing the way I refer to my husband in this blog.  We've already discussed the impropriety of "hubby," but I've recently been informed that "hubs," albeit less undesireable than "hubby," isn't a preferred term either. Therefore, my husband shall be henceforth known as P.

So, P and I have been chilling with my family for the last two weeks in the dirty South, and we're leaving to head up north to spend time with his folks tomorrow.  It will be the first time we will have air traveled as a married couple.  Come to think of it, it will have been the first time we will have air traveled together, period.  First Christmas as a married couple, first New Year's as a married couple, first airplane trip as a married couple...first graduation as a married couple, first job as a married couple, first move as a married couple...(sigh).  Lots of firsts and lots of firsts to come.

I know this isn't true, but sometimes it feels like the life we have right now as a married couple is not "real."  Like, we're both still students and we're living in a student apartment with this student-y life.  Like, although we're completely able to pay the bills with our graduate assistantships/fellowships, neither of us has a real-world job (yet) and we haven't had to deal with any major life issues (yet).  So these things make me feel like our "real" marriage will start after I graduate, get a job, and we relocate.

It's silly.  This idea of waiting for the "real" part of your life to begin.  What's crazy is that I used to believe versions of this at different points in my life: single and working, single and in school, single and living abroad...like, now that I'm married and in school, will my feelings about "real" life change when we both get jobs?  When we have kids?  When we have a house?  When does "real" life really begin?  It's endless.  And it's ridiculous to keep believing that "real" life is actually a thing.  What is it going to take for me to realize that if I'm alive, what I'm living is real, no matter what my situation?

With the spectre of "real life" hanging over me, I realize that there is so much about "real life" that I'm ignorant of.  So much.  Especially when it comes to financial matters—saving, managing and investing money, paying off debt, home ownership, et al.  It makes me feel like I'm not an adult.  And if I think about how ignorant I am and how much "catching up" I have to do (another false idea that I wish I could banish from my brain), it's really easy to feel overwhelmed and succumb to another false idea, which is that I will never be able to reach a place were I feel secure and content.  Funny.  I thought I would feel an everlasting, unalterable sense of security and contentment once I was married.  Surprise!  As I've said elsewhere, each point of "settling" only opens up an entirely new set of variables.

Something else I'm sure I've said elsewhere is that everything is a process.  Nothing happens all at once, so I need to stop expecting it to.  You don't learn everything all at once, you don't get experience all at once, so I need to stop thinking that I should.  A realistic focus this year is to begin increasing my knowledge about personal finance.

In less adult stuff news, I'm also embarking upon a new hair journey this year.  For those of you who know what I'm talking about, I'm getting off that creamy crack.  Yup.  No more chemicals.  "Going natural," as we say.  I'm actually already about 5 months into this process.  Everyone I talk to who's transitioned warns me about how hard it is, and I get it, but I'm just sick of putting unhealthy chemicals into it, and I'm ready to let my black be beautiful and get my kinky curl on.

New hair.  Finished dissertation (fingers crossed!).  New job (fingers super crossed!).  Move.  New place.  This year is going to bring some major change.  So, I need to embrace it.  I need to grow from it.

It's going to have to be my New Year's Resolution if I'm going to make it this year: I will embrace change and allow it to help me grow.