I'm also supposed to be moving on.
God, I hate talking about depressing things, but I can't just act like they aren't happening and that I'm not feeling the weight of them and that they aren't negatively affecting me. Because they are. Because I'm letting them.
Sometimes I feel like every time I get to a spot where I'm back on track, some little fox comes along to spoil my vine. It's quite frustrating.
I honestly feel like I'm trying to do the right thing. So, then, why do I end up feeling like I must be doing something wrong?
If anything, I am learning that I must completely give up my desire to control things that are beyond my human ability to control. I am learning how futile it is. I'm learning that it also isn't really a matter of "letting God have control" than it is realizing I was never in control in the first place.
I must also remind myself that "moving on" isn't really moving on if I'm still hoping for things to work out the way I wanted them to. That would actually be the opposite of moving on, come to think of it.
There are some sobering things I'm having to come to terms with this summer. It's the realization that I'm going to have to handle some things alone. Things that no one will be able to help me decide, that no one will be able to help me implement, that no one will be able to help me see through to the end.
That is not to say that they cannot be done or that I won't have any guidance. I choose to believe that God is guiding me. But at the same time, the idea that I'm going to have to rely on myself is scary. That point in my life is here and will swing into full force once the school year begins. What I've been experiencing this summer is, in a weird way, trying to prepare me for it.
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