This is so ridiculous, I can't believe I'm writing about it.
When you're a black woman, there are things people assume about you. Not all of them are negative. One of the biggies, especially if you're in church, is that you can sing.
My home-away-from-home church is more or less diverse, but predominantly white. I'm comfortable there and I thank God that I found a good church to call home while I'm doing this PhD thing. Everyone makes me feel absolutely loved.
So, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I've joined the choir. It's been about 2 months now. I was asked to join without even a formal tryout. Apparently, my voice could be heard while sitting a pew behind the choir director when we were all singing acappella one night, and that was good enough. Which, ordinarily, would be flattering, but, as can be deduced from the title of this post, I have stereotype anxiety. Did she really think I could sing well, or did she just think I could innately sing? Why couldn't I be okay with the fact that she did hear me sing and maybe just thought I had a nice voice?
After I joined the choir, after church, I'd get pats on the back from well-wishers in the congregation telling me how great it was to see me in the choir, and some claimed they could even hear me. Ummm . . . really? Why is it good to see me? Do I stand out? Lol. And you know good and well you can't hear me. Why couldn't I be okay with the fact that maybe people are just excited to see a new face in the choir and that maybe they like me and are just glad that I'm getting involved?
So, a few weeks ago, I was asked to sing a solo. Oh, no! I even tried to explain to the choir director that I couldn't really sing . . . like that. I'm so terrible. She assured me she understood but said she simply felt the song fit my voice. (Duh, Chantell. That's usually the reason choir directors ask choir members to sing solos. Not based on some idea of the brassy, soulful innate singing ability of "your kind.")
So, tonight was the big night. I sang my little solo and did my little fill-ins, but I couldn't really hear myself that well and was just praying that I sounded okay. I was mad nervous. But in the end, I was just like, it's not about me anyway. It's unto the Lord. (What all good platform singers are supposed to think.) Afterward, people told me that I did a great job and were proud of me and was even told "I knew you had it in you." Wait . . . you knew I had it in me? How did you know? What is this it that you speak of? Lol. I wondered if my African-Americanness just blinded (or rather, deafened) everybody to my vocal foibles and in everyone's mind I was "good" a priori.
Down, girl. Just chill out. Stop being so paranoid, and just accept a compliment for what it is. Geez. This right here is what happens to your mind when you've been both in the South and in school for way too long.
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