Gooey (Single) Girlyness

I know I've been leaning towards more girly stuff as of late. Ordinarily I would apologize for waxing all girly and hormonal, and talking about the whole single girl thing. But I won't this time.

So many times I have strived not to be that girl. You know the girl I'm talking about. The girl that's like always talking about girly stuff and finding the right one, etc. I always strived to be the girl who rolled her eyes at that other girl and said, "Please get a life, sweetheart! There's more to it than your romanticized, desperate pinings, hellooo?"

But then, I realized that part of me was pretending. If I could just pretend that I didn't really care about what that girl cared about, then I'd be cool. If I could just brush that girl's frivolous little worries off and be a real woman who wasn't bothered by that stupid little stuff, then I'd be straight.

Tonight, the topic preached was "What Lies Beneath." He talked about how we put up fronts and hide behind facades, even within the church, so that everyone would think that we're fine. We don't like other people to know that we have hurts and worries and problems and weaknesses, so we put up a good front. I don't want people to know that it bothers me that I don't have someone in my life right now. I don't want people to know that I ever feel lonely. So, I put up a smiling facade. Just the thought of admitting that to anyone other than God makes me cringe. It makes me feel sick. It makes me feel weak and desperate.

So, I went to the altar and cried. I didn't care. I do a lot of crying at church, anyway. It can be pretty cathartic. But I still didn't like, spill my guts to anyone. Then I sat down and kept crying. Then this wonderful grandmotherly lady with strong, grandma hands and a comforting grandma bosom sidled up to me, put her arms around me and said she had a word from the Lord for me. First she started naming outright all of the things that were going through my mind. Everything. I didn't have to spill my guts. She understood. She even said, "I feel what you feel right now." And then she started speaking encouragement to me. This was God's way of telling me that He knows. He's not blind. He knows where I am right now, and He is not ignoring me.

I don't like writing about this, just as I don't like people knowing how I really feel sometimes about where I am in my life right now. But as much as I hate being the object of pity, I also hate fakeness. Though I still don't plan on diving headlong into the gooey girlyness, (I know my few male readers are breathing a sigh of relief) I won't apologize for the times that the gooey girlyness oozes out, because the gooey girlyness is a part of me, and I'm trying to be more real.

PS--Yes, "girlyness" is a made up word. The proper word would be "girlishness," but I don't like how that word looks or sounds, so I made one up.