What I Want More Than Anything

There have been so many times that I thought I wanted something, and then when that desire finally became a reality, I was left disillusioned. What I thought I wanted more than anything somehow always turned out to be less than what it was cracked up to be.

If this guy would just like me. Come to find out, the guy did end up liking me, but . . . I was young and he was older and was a bit too serious for my immature state of mind. I tired of him.

If I could just have clear skin. I had an acne problem that turned horrid after I entered college. It was something that plagued me. After taking the right medicine, things got 100% better, but why didn’t I feel 100% better about myself? Acne wasn’t the problem, my self-image was.

If I could just go back to Spain. I went to Spain once and would have done anything in the world to go back. In the end, I did go back, but the reality that life is still life wherever you go was uncomfortably sobering at times.

If I could just have a boyfriend. I finally entered into a relationship serious enough to be considered part of a pair. But being in a relationship is about so much more than how each person feels for the other. Relationships take sacrifice and commitment. In the end, I decided with great agony of mind that the relationship was not something I was willing to commit to anymore.

If I could just finish school. Well, I finished. But getting a degree or two is far from having “arrived.”

There are a million if-I-could-justs.

But I think there is one thing that I want more than anything that I wouldn’t be disillusioned by when it came to fruition: I want to be able to say that I changed someone, something, somewhere in this life, for the better. I know that sounds so . . . on-the-back-of-a-box-of-girl-scout-cookies, but there’s no other way to say it. I want to make a lasting, positive impact in this world. I’m not saying that I want to be famous. My goal is not to make it into the encyclopedias of ages to come. I just desperately want to spark something. To do something positively different, not just glide along with the status quo of mediocrity. I don’t want to have lived my life in vain.