Thursday mornings I have off (before my class in the afternoons). I had to get an oil change, and I wanted to check out the apartment complex I had been thinking about moving into. It's very convenient because it's right up the street from where I work, right next to my favorite park, and actually, off of the same road of the subdivision where I live with my parents now.
Everything looked fine, they have pools, tennis courts, all of the little amenities. In the model I plan to move into, they have a little fireplace and built in bookcase, which is really nice because I have hordes of books. The walk-in closet is also super needed--space is one of the reasons I feel I need to move out. I felt really good about it, filled out the application, and paid the security deposit.
But why do I feel so weird about it now? Why do I doubt my ability to be on my own? That is so confounding. There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to manage. I don't get myself. I'm not moving to another country or another state, or even across town. Mom and Dad will be literally down the street. And I'm 25! In five years I'm going to be 30. Like, if someone had a baby right now, the baby would be going to Kindergarten by the time I turn 30. I'm going to be 30 in the amount of time it took me to graduate from college. (And that didn't seem very long at all.) Isn't it time for me to do something on my own? Seriously.
I have to snap out of it and stop worrying all the time. Perhaps part of it is that I don't know what I'm going to be doing a year from now, around the time the lease will be up. Stay in Montgomery? Move to Auburn and finish the Master's I've started by going full time? I hate how everything is so uncertain. It's really draining. It's like, give me something to go on. Give me some assurance that something is going to work out. Being in a constant state of not knowing really starts to wear on you. I know I'm probably exaggerating things. (I'm really good at that.) But that's how I feel a lot of times, and I really am trying my best not to let it get to me.
5 comments:
I feel you. Every single thing in my life is up in the air right now. I'm trying my hardest not to be scared about it all. good job on that exam!
yippee! I hope you post pictures
Do it girl! Us single girls deserve it!
Well, Chantelle, you've never lived on your own before, so it is a big step. Don't underestimate what a big step it is and what a change it is for you. You don't know how it is going to feel because you've never been here before. The fear of the unknown, perhaps? I think you will absolutely love it! I did....when I finally made the move! I'm anxious to hear how it goes for you!
i thought i heard a pastor utter prophetically to someone, "stop planning & trust me saith the Lord"
if i was someone that was always planning the next few years and had to have something to "go on" i'd take that word to heart...
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