When It’s Just Me

Okay, I know I’ve blogged about this thing several times, but it’s an upcoming event of special interest to me that has been at the forefront of my mind. A week from today, I will, once again, be in St. Louis to participate in the IQ Forum.

There are several questions that I, consciously or subconsciously, ask myself each time pre-embarking on a trip:

1. What am I going to wear? If this question isn’t settled, I’m going to feel uncomfortable. I have to pick out stuff that’ll make me feel comfortable and confident or else, I’ll be squirming and feeling self-conscious the whole time.

2. How should I plan to do my hair? This is akin to #1, but even more personal.

3. What should I plan to do in my free time? I’m going there for a particular purpose, but I’m also going to have pockets of free time here and there. If I were coming with a friend, the resolution to this one would be much easier, but since I’m by myself, I’m going to have to make a bit more of an effort and probably plan ahead a bit more to have something to do during down time.

4. Am I going to meet “the one”? Hold on . . . I’ll discuss.

These four questions almost always go through my mind when I go anywhere, like on a far away trip by myself. Numbers 1-3 are kinda shallow, in the big scheme of things, I guess, but somewhat understandable considering the circumstances. But I hate number 4. I hate the fact that number 4 even goes through my mind just because I’m going somewhere “new,” but it does.

I really do everything in my power to not seem . . . you know, desperate. I don’t think I am. I honestly don’t think I’ve gotten close (I hope). I try to disassociate myself as much as possible from anything resembling in the slightest a, shall we say, “man-huntress” type of aura. But number 4 silently slips through my mind when I go on a trip because I guess since the social landscape where I am looks pretty bleak (not just guy-wise, but just people my age and like interest-wise in general), I think things are brighter somewhere else. And not just that, but I guess trips in general kind of have this . . . expect-the-unexpected, magical kind of air to me.

When I travel by myself, I feel like a woman about to take on the world. I bought my ticket. I’m driving myself to the airport. I’m checking whatever bags and making whatever connecting flights. I feel so self-sufficient. But on the flip side of all of that self-sufficient, I-can-go-anywhere-in-the-world feeling, is this wondering. A million what ifs swirl around me. It makes me heady with anticipation, but at the same time, a lingering self-doubt and self-consciousness set in. Not just because of number 4, but this time especially because I’m going to be a speaker during two of the sessions. What am I going to say? How will people react to what I say? Is what I have to say relevant? Will it connect with anyone?

Anyway, it’s coming up oh, so soon. I guess I need to figure out what I’m going to plan for my poor substitute to do with the kids during my absence.