Late-Night Library Date

Two married PhD students spending their nights together at the library.  How romantic. We're the only married students in the same department in a PhD program at the same time.  I think we've been the only ones in the history of the department.  We should get a gold star and a lifetime supply of Nutella for that.

Him: teaching 2 and taking 3.  Me: writing that dirty dirty D.

Mommy and daddy fell in love and got married when they were both broke, stressed out students.  And then you were born nine months after mommy started her temporary job because she didn't want to wait until she was a wrinkled up prune to have you.  She waited as long as she did because she didn't want to be knocked up while trying to finish her dissertation.  What's a dissertation?  Well...it's a rambling piece of boo boo that mommy is going to try to clean up and turn into at least one article and hopefully a book.

Speaking of publications...my contributor's copy of the edited volume in which my first academic publication is found arrived today.  Check out that Chapter 9, son!

Yezzir.

A few minutes ago, P got up from our little workstation to go to the restroom.  I watched him as he walked away and was just struck with the fact that the man I was watching walk away is my husband.  Like, at one time, he was just some dude out there, and now he's going to be the father of our children.  Like, wow.

Anyway, (sigh).  When I finish writing my dissertation I swear I am just going to cathartically scream for like 5 minutes straight.

Get Your Life

Dissertation writing waits for no woman.  Had to get my life this week.

1. Facebook?  Deactivated.  

2. Installed a Chrome app called StayFocusd.  Why I didn't do this a millennium ago, who knows, but it's an extension you install on your web browser that will block whatever sites you want for whatever days and times you want to keep you from getting distracted. So, Mon-Fri from 8am to 5pm I have blocked a plethora of sites I tend to waste time on.  And if I start to waste time on a site that isn't blocked after about 10 minutes a little window will pop up saying "shouldn't you be working?"  If that don't put the fear of the Lord in me to get crackin.

3. Getting up and starting work no later than 8 am every morning.  No excuse.  

4. Work when P works.  He's a little worker bee.  Especially since he's teaching 2 and taking 3 this semester.  He don't play no games.  And neither should I.  So when he announces he's going to the library to do more work after dinner, I resist my urge to chill hard and take my lazy sack of bones right along with him.

Time to stop playing.  Time to stop procrastinating.  Time to get it in.  Time to go hard. Time to get my life.

El libro de cara

I'm weird about FB posting.  Like, I'm too paranoid or something.  I'm always worried about people "getting up in my business."  But seriously, if I cared that much, why am I even on FB?  Its very purpose is for everyone to acceptably get up in each other's business.

I guess I'm just super selective about what I post and when.  For example, I didn't change my relationship status on FB until after P and I were engaged.  I don't know...it just seems like announcing your relationship status on a non-long term relationship after about 30 or so is sort of juvenile.  Of course, the definition of "long-term" probably varies from person to person, but for me, long-term means you are firmly on the road to becoming my baby daddy.

I feel like I'll be the same way (maybe in about 6 months from now?) when I have a bun in the oven.  No ultrasound pictures of a little bean or of my baby's grainy private parts from me.  No, ma'am.  Of course, I'd tell my friends and family, but I feel like I wouldn't want the FB world to know until I am visibly preggers.  Like, I'd post a pic of me with a basketball belly with the caption "Can you find my son/daughter in this picture?"

Anyway, so I signed the contract for my new job and put it in the mail today.  I felt like it was safe to post on FB.  But I still had reservations.  I didn't want people to make annoying commentary or ask for details in the comments.  One particular comment I hope to avoid is "Where is that?"  To be honest, I had never heard of the institution myself before I applied, but it is an established and reputable one.  I would have to hold myself back from responding, "The internet enabling you to be on FB right now is the same internet that would enable you to google it and find out yourself."  I mean, right?  Anyway, it's done.  I'm glad I acknowledged it.  Now on to the last step: Finishing that dirty dirty dissertation.

I Have a Job

I have a job.  I sent an email to the Dean this morning officially accepting her offer.  They're going to send me a letter with the terms in writing, I'll sign on the dotted line, send it back, and voilà, c'est fait.

Getting a job post-PhD was one of my major concerns, and now that has been settled.  It's something I should be proud of, even though it wasn't what I expected.  My husband is 100% on board, I'll be making more money than I've ever made, it's an area between our families with a ridiculously reasonable cost of living, and it's going to give me good experience in a supportive environment.  God is good.

Now that that's been settled, time to finish my dissertation!  I have a lot more motivation now.

The Times I Wouldn't Mind Being Single Again or When Things Didn't Work Out the Way I Hoped

I don't know why I'm partial to "or" titles.  It's sort of like two different ways to think about a singular piece simultaneously.  In fact, one of the novels I'm analyzing for my dissertation has an "or" title. Santa lujuria o Papeles de blanco.

When I say there are times I wouldn't mind being single again, I want to make it clear that it doesn't have anything to do with my husband.  It has everything to do with me and how I'm used to thinking and coping with life as a single woman.

When I was single, I was lonely sometimes, but I was fine.  I mean, I was fine as in, I was completely capable of handling my business on my own.  This is not to say that I was (or am) completely self-sufficient, never relying on anyone like my friends and family for support.  Of course, I still do rely on them.  No one is completely self-sufficient.  But what I'm trying to say is that I just got used to dealing with myself by myself and making decisions for myself which largely only impacted myself.  Is it selfish thinking?  In a way.  But there's a freedom (which can also be seen as a trade-off) in only having yourself to worry about, and there's a strange comfort in knowing that whatever personal decisions you make can only potentially mess your own situation up.  The only person who has to deal with the aftermath (good or bad) is you.  I'm used to owning my stuff.  My positive qualities and successes well as my hangups and baggage.

But when you're married, you no longer have complete ownership of your personal stuff.  Getting married is the equivalent of sharing for life.  I don't mind sharing positive things.  Fun and uplifting things that make people smile and laugh and think you're wonderful.  But I have a problem sharing the other stuff.  I can't divorce myself from the other stuff, somehow excise it with a magic marriage wand because it's a part of what makes me me, like it or not.  But I don't like it, and I don't like getting it all over my husband.  Because it makes me feel bad.  Guilty.  Almost manipulative in a weird way.  It makes me want to gather up all my contradictions and worries and insecurities and vulnerabilities and lock them away from him so I don't have to worry about them falling out all over the place and negatively affecting him.  This is the one thing that I'm afraid of: Me being the person I am somehow negatively affecting the person my husband is.  I just don't want that.

But the thing is, if you try to lock that stuff completely away, you end up being dishonest and pushing your spouse away.  At least I do, because when I want to handle it the way I'm used to, I feel myself wanting to pretend that it's all good and fighting the urge to distance myself from him.

Hi, my name is Chantell, (Hi, Chantell) and I'm a recovering control freak.

So, yeah, the times the stuff I try so hard to keep at bay threatens to overflow and make things messy are the times I wouldn't mind being single again.

Which leads me to things not working out the way I hoped.  Not my marriage.  My job search.  But my marriage is connected to my job search because the results of my job search are going to affect my marriage.

I got a call on Friday that was not at all what I expected.  The Signs job was offered to someone else.  It hurts to be rejected, sure, but I guess it hurt more because I was optimistic that I would receive an offer.  It's one thing to be disappointed, but it's another for you to feel confident that things would work out a certain way and then not only feel disappointment, but also feel that you overestimated yourself.  However, there's a twist.  The search committee head told me that although they offered the position to someone else, they were still highly impressed with me, think I'm an excellent teacher and would still very much like for me to be a part of the program.  So, the Dean decided to create a one-year Visiting Assistant Professor position for me, if I were interested.  Though the job is temporary and not tenure track, there's a tenure track position opening up the following year and they would highly encourage me to re-apply.  Nothing's a guarantee, but it's not uncommon in academia for a temporary position to give you a leg up into a permanent one. Nevertheless, I had super mixed feelings about it.  On one hand, totally not what I wanted to hear, but on the other hand, pleased that they were impressed enough with me to create a position for me.  Nothing is official quite yet, but I'm almost sure I will accept it.

It made me think about the many other times in my life where things didn't work out the way I hoped they would.  It sucked at the time, when all I could see was disappointment and rejection.  But so many times, things eventually did work out, in a way I didn't anticipate, and better than what I initially had in mind.  Maybe this situation is another example of that.  Maybe God is opening a door, and I should trust Him, walk through, and see where it leads.

Signs

"Signs" is the game-in-my-head par excellence.  I used to play it when I would have a dumb crush on some dumb guy.  It's not a true game, it's more like a ridiculous list of reasons my future with said guy was fated by the universe.  Most of the reasons would consist of me desperately wishing for something to happen concerning him and then it happening, proof that it was meant to be.  Or worse yet, some kind of absurd repetition, amounting to an uncanny "coincidence," further proof that our future together was written in the stars.

Whenever I reflect on this insane mind game, I'm brought back to the singular moment in my easily besotted pre-husband life when the stakes of this game were at their height.  That time in my early 20s I fell hard for a green-eyed, long-lashed Spaniard the summer I studied abroad in Spain for the first time.  I wished desperately for him to walk me home from that birthday party.  I almost fainted when he asked if I'd like him to walk me home.  A sign!  He came to church with me after he said he wouldn't be able to at first.  A sign!  When I got back to the U.S. and the same Canadian jazz band whose CD he lent me was playing at my university.  A sign!  In my Spanish Golden Age Literature class, one of the pastoral novelists we studied had the same first name as my crush.  A sign!  I played that dumb game so indiscriminately, there was no limit to the realm of possibility of a sign!  So ridiculous.

Now that those intense crushy days are over (thank God), it seems like instead of crushes, I'm putting jobs to the Signs test.  It is so real out here in these streets.  Dissertation still undone, agonizingly waiting to hear back from the places where I've had interviews.  In order to not let the devil steal my joy, I've resorted to playing Signs with this particular job:

1. At first I applied for a generalist position they had open, but an administrator emailed me to request that I reapply for a second position (I had somehow missed) that was more in line with my credentials.  A sign!

2. It's one of only two jobs I applied for (didn't even get a preliminary interview with the other one) specifically seeking an Afro Hispanist.  A sign!

3. It's located within a day trip driving distance from each of our families. A sign!

4. My committee members reported to me after conversations with the search committee head that they were really excited about me and that I was their first choice.  A sign!

5. The former university president of my current institution started out as the university president of this prospective position's institution.  (Like, the university president went from there to here, so that means I will go from here to there!) A sign!

6. It's a teaching-centered institution, and I'm a teaching-centered kinda gal.  A sign!

Jesus, be a fence all around me every day, fix it, work it out, make a way, do what You do, youknaaimean?  Ya girl out here tryna hold it down, keep it real and stop them thug tears from slippin.

Unnatural

For whatever reason, it's still weird for me to conceive of myself as married.  Like, saying "my husband" out loud in whatever situation I find myself in where I'm talking about him or mentioning being married still feels slightly unnatural coming out of my mouth.

I guess considering myself of limited husband procurement potential for so long has taken its toll on my psyche.

I have a sinking feeling this "unnaturalness" with the change of my marital status will also apply when I (in the precious name of Jesus, pleeeease) graduate with my PhD in May.  Will referring to myself (or other people referring to me) as "Dr." ever feel natural?

Always, Mostly, Take Turns

I always...
Clean the bathroom
Dust
Cook

P always...
Takes out the trash

I mostly...
Go grocery shopping
Pay bills

P mostly...
Drives (if we're going somewhere together)
Washes dishes
Vacuums

We take turns...
Making the bed
Making the morning coffee
Washing/drying/folding clothes (we always put away our own, tho)
Making each others' sandwiches/packing each others' lunches

That's how we do.

MLK Day Confessions

So, P and I volunteered during our city's MLK Day of Service today.  I lowkey wanted some well-meaning but slightly misguided person to come up to me and P and tell us that we were the living embodiment of Dr. King's dream fulfilled.

For the Entire Rest of My Life

Hello, last semester of school for the entire rest of my life.

So hard to believe.  But the train has left the station, so I gotta jump on, buckle down, saddle up, do all those things that deal with bootstraps, buckles and all other securative and reinforceative accoutrements and get. it. done.  Dissertations do not spontaneously write themselves.

For the entire rest of my life.  Two things: no more school after this semester, and being married to my husband.  What does forever mean?  When you pledge to spend the rest of your waking days to another human being, what does that even mean?  It's this weird, unfathomable, slightly spooky thing.  This dude.  Glasses-wearing (not in our wedding photos, tho), freckled guy.  Forever.  Forever seems so deep.  It seems so eternal.  So fatalistic.  Signed in blood, serious and binding, to the death.  But paradoxically, what forever looks like day to day is pretty ordinary.  Waking up before he does and watching him as he's still asleep.  Walking to the bus stop together in the morning.  Buying almond milk and wheat thins from Kroger.  Watching The Office on Netflix in our jammies and laughing so hard.  Day to day, forever is mundane.  Simple.  Graspable.  Forever is a warm, crocheted blanket you wrap yourself up in while you sip some pear and green tea.

I never wanted a "there all along" love story.  One where he was someone I grew up with, knew all my life, was as familiar to me as my own brothers, but one day, I began to see him in a different light.  No.  I wanted a new and different person.  I wanted the intrigue of the unfamiliar.  P and I are two different people from two different worlds.  But somehow we work.  There's something holy about the process of taking a chance on someone and loving them.

First Musings of 2016

First of all, I will start out this New Year changing the way I refer to my husband in this blog.  We've already discussed the impropriety of "hubby," but I've recently been informed that "hubs," albeit less undesireable than "hubby," isn't a preferred term either. Therefore, my husband shall be henceforth known as P.

So, P and I have been chilling with my family for the last two weeks in the dirty South, and we're leaving to head up north to spend time with his folks tomorrow.  It will be the first time we will have air traveled as a married couple.  Come to think of it, it will have been the first time we will have air traveled together, period.  First Christmas as a married couple, first New Year's as a married couple, first airplane trip as a married couple...first graduation as a married couple, first job as a married couple, first move as a married couple...(sigh).  Lots of firsts and lots of firsts to come.

I know this isn't true, but sometimes it feels like the life we have right now as a married couple is not "real."  Like, we're both still students and we're living in a student apartment with this student-y life.  Like, although we're completely able to pay the bills with our graduate assistantships/fellowships, neither of us has a real-world job (yet) and we haven't had to deal with any major life issues (yet).  So these things make me feel like our "real" marriage will start after I graduate, get a job, and we relocate.

It's silly.  This idea of waiting for the "real" part of your life to begin.  What's crazy is that I used to believe versions of this at different points in my life: single and working, single and in school, single and living abroad...like, now that I'm married and in school, will my feelings about "real" life change when we both get jobs?  When we have kids?  When we have a house?  When does "real" life really begin?  It's endless.  And it's ridiculous to keep believing that "real" life is actually a thing.  What is it going to take for me to realize that if I'm alive, what I'm living is real, no matter what my situation?

With the spectre of "real life" hanging over me, I realize that there is so much about "real life" that I'm ignorant of.  So much.  Especially when it comes to financial matters—saving, managing and investing money, paying off debt, home ownership, et al.  It makes me feel like I'm not an adult.  And if I think about how ignorant I am and how much "catching up" I have to do (another false idea that I wish I could banish from my brain), it's really easy to feel overwhelmed and succumb to another false idea, which is that I will never be able to reach a place were I feel secure and content.  Funny.  I thought I would feel an everlasting, unalterable sense of security and contentment once I was married.  Surprise!  As I've said elsewhere, each point of "settling" only opens up an entirely new set of variables.

Something else I'm sure I've said elsewhere is that everything is a process.  Nothing happens all at once, so I need to stop expecting it to.  You don't learn everything all at once, you don't get experience all at once, so I need to stop thinking that I should.  A realistic focus this year is to begin increasing my knowledge about personal finance.

In less adult stuff news, I'm also embarking upon a new hair journey this year.  For those of you who know what I'm talking about, I'm getting off that creamy crack.  Yup.  No more chemicals.  "Going natural," as we say.  I'm actually already about 5 months into this process.  Everyone I talk to who's transitioned warns me about how hard it is, and I get it, but I'm just sick of putting unhealthy chemicals into it, and I'm ready to let my black be beautiful and get my kinky curl on.

New hair.  Finished dissertation (fingers crossed!).  New job (fingers super crossed!).  Move.  New place.  This year is going to bring some major change.  So, I need to embrace it.  I need to grow from it.

It's going to have to be my New Year's Resolution if I'm going to make it this year: I will embrace change and allow it to help me grow.

Being the Bomb vs. Bombing It

So, I had a series of preliminary interviews this week.  Three, to be exact.  I felt okay about 2 out of the 3.  But of course the one is what I've already partly blocked and am desperately trying to stuff into the "to be utterly forgotten" box of my hyper-critical, insecure, obsessive brain.  Ugh.

Must we indulge ourselves with particulars?  No, we mustn't.  But suffice it to say that I just felt totally thrown off of my usually upbeat, confident game.  I was up to bat, a straightforward, legitimate question was pitched (may I add that the pitcher seemed previously unmoved and unconvinced by any illusions of my competency or gravitas?), and I blanked.  By the time I managed an ill-executed swing..."STEEEEERIKE!"  O, time travel god, I beseech you, go back to the time of my conception and give my mother a "headache," causing me to unexist!

I will give these particulars, though: All of my interviews before that one had been conducted by a mixture of native and non-native speakers of Spanish, and had been primarily conducted in English, although at least one or two of the questions were asked of me in Spanish so that I could demonstrate my fluency.  However, in this case, all of the committee members were native speakers and the entire interview was conducted in Spanish.  Even after all this time studying the language, I am often very insecure about my abilities, particularly with native speakers.  That was factor number one throwing me off my game.

I will also add that I applied for this particular position not really expecting to get a call back because I didn't think I was qualified (they wanted someone to "direct" a particular program in addition to teaching), but went for it anyway because it is extremely close to my husband's family and the post was seeking someone with interdisciplinary interests, which lines up with my research.  So, when I did get a call back, I was like, Okay, well they've seen my CV so it's not like they don't already know what I've done and what I haven't done, but apparently they still want to talk to me so...it wouldn't kill me to try and see. Little did I know how much of a confidence punch to the gut it would be.

It wasn't my dream job, I was iffy about it in the first place, I was psyched out by the all-native speaker, all-Spanish interview, and I was utterly unprepared for a pretty legit question.  Donc, voilà, what you expect?  Le catastrophe, that's what.

Not to be a cornball, cheesy after school special moral of the storyist, but it was a learning experience.  If such a question is asked in the future, I'll know to be prepared for it, most importantly.  Even if you're the bomb most of the time (which I don't believe I am, which makes me feel uber-impostor syndromed when other people seem to think that I am), it's still not altogether a bad thing to be reminded that you can still bomb it.

Why don't I want to be one of "those" women?

Because...it's annoying.  "Hubby" this, "hubby" that, "I can't wait until hubby gets home," pictures of what you made "hubby" for dinner, cute stories of what "hubby" did or said.  Geez, get a life.  Do you not have an identity apart from "hubby"?  We get it.  He's sweet and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside and you're ga-ga for him and you have the best hubby ever.  But then, after my annoyance subsides and I take a look at some of my own FB and blog posts, an inconvenient truth manifests itself right upside my head...

I am one of those women.

(Except, in my defense, I don't use the term "hubby."  My husband refuses to be identified as such, and I'm totally with him on it.  It's just trite.  I say "hubs" instead.)

But back to the issue at hand, why does the idea of being identified as one of those women chafe against me?  Why does the whole, omg my husband is the best ever and we're so happy and have so much fun together look at how cute we are bother me?  I'm the hugest hypocrite when it comes to this, because do I not do the same thing? But not just that, what's wrong with it?

I'm so weird.  Like, when I was single, I wanted a husband, but I didn't want to be one of those girls who wanted a husband.  Like, oh my Lord, I am a wretched single girl over 30 and I'm going to end up with withered ovaries and an overabundance of cats if Jesus don't make a way. Ugh.  When I finally had a significant other, I didn't want to be one of those girls who finally had a significant other.  Like as if, okay now I have a boyfriend so my existence is officially validated.  Ugh.  And then when I got engaged, I was excited, but I didn't want to be one of those engaged girls.  Like, OMG my wedding day is MY day and I've been dreaming of this day my whole life and I can't wait to say yes to the dress and salivate over floral arrangements and wedding favors. Ugh.  And now that I'm married, I'm so in love with my husband it's ridiculous, but I balk at the question "How's married life?"  Like I'm supposed to be emanating rainbow beams because at long last, I have achieved the ultimate life goal of becoming a Mrs.  Nawl.

I guess, number one, there is nothing wrong with wanting to show the world how cute you and your husband are.  I think people should be ga-ga for each other.  I'm certainly ga-ga over my man.  But I guess my reservation comes from the idea that 'ga-ga' is the only acceptable mode.  You see what I'm saying?  Like, just as I felt this pressure to be enraptured with all the frou-frou of a wedding when that just wasn't me.  I think it's 100% fine to be enraptured with wedding details if that's your thing, but it's the idea that 'enraptured' is the only acceptable attitude to have towards a wedding that bothered me.

I mean, part of it is the idea of not wanting to be considered in this stereotypical way, part of it is not wanting a certain mode to be the only acceptable mode, but part of it is something else.  It's this implicit idea that I should be grateful.  I mean, that's not it.  I am grateful.  But that I should be ecstatic because someone putting a ring on it saved me from a fate worse than death.

Aren't you excited?  Yes, I wanted to answer, but not for the reason you think I am.  I went through this stage where my brain interpreted "Aren't you excited?" as "Aren't you thanking your lucky stars that a functioning man finally took it upon himself to have mercy on your long-undesired self and redeem you, rescuing you from a life of wrinkled-up spinsterhood?"  I know, I'm horrible.

Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm now one of those women and not care and stop being so judgmental of other those women just because I don't want to be like them even though I am.  After all, I can't wait to see my hubs in a little while.  We're going home to eat a dinner of porkchops, mashed potatoes and gravy and carrots.  But I'm not posting a picture of it, don't get it twisted.

The Job Search and Other Tales

I'm currently in a down-home, small-town cafe in the city of my husband's birth.  They have wi-fi (and awesome toasted marshmallow lattes).  This year is his family for Thanksgiving since last year was mine.  It'll be our first Thanksgiving as a married couple.  Awww.

Dissertation: Finished with a draft of my second chapter of analysis.  One more analysis chapter to go before I finish up with intro (reworking of my prospectus, so not starting from scratch) and my conclusion (which won't be nearly as involved as everything else).  I need to put the pedal to the metal, but some progress is better than none.  I MUST defend in April to graduate in May.

Job search: I had my first campus visit last week, and I think it went pretty well, overall.  I felt confident about it and I think I might get an offer.  We'll see.  I have since gotten two other call-backs for preliminary interviews.  One of the places is only an hour from my husband's family, so my mother-in-law is super excited about that possibility.  There's still a place that I (think I) would really like to hear back from which is situated more conveniently between our families.  It's a really scary process, frankly.  Everything is so up in the air.  I still have my dissertation to contend with, which is such a beast.  And no matter where I end up accepting an offer, chances are that we're going to have to move.  I mean, it's a part of what I signed up for...it's how it's going to have to be.  I am very thankful for one thing, that by the time I finish, my husband will be done with coursework, so we'll be able to stay together.  I know a few academics who do the long-distance thing, but that's just something neither of us are willing to do.

What I'm thankful for: I usually do this whole list thing, but this time, I want to focus on one thing. And in spite of myself, in spite of not wanting to sound like those women who post things about their "hubbies" all the time, I have to keep it 100 and say that I am overwhelmingly thankful for my husband.  Who he is is what I need.  That's the best way I can describe it.  A lot of people think we got together "too fast," and I get it.  We met 8 months before we got engaged and we were engaged 11 months before we were married.  But what I love about my husband is that there was something that made him decide I was it for him, and once he made that decision, he was consistent and committed.  He was not afraid of the risks because he loved me and believed in us.  I'm thankful for the consistent confidence he has in me and in us.  It's one of the things that makes me feel adored and secure.  We wrote our own wedding vows, and his last line was "My love for you is here to stay."  I'm thankful for my husband and I don't ever want to take him or what he's brought to my life for granted.

No, I'm not French...I just use French interjections in frustrating situations.

As a student of languages and speaker of (optimistically speaking) three languages, I sometimes have a habit of using my second languages in mock-frustration.  It's sort of hard to accurately explain why, but it's a weird way of practicing the language as well as a sort of inside joke to myself.

The reason the self-joking even functions as such is because 1. expressing myself in mock-frustration in another language is a way to tell myself I'm not really frustrated since whatever language I'm using  to express myself (either Spanish or French) is not my native language, and if I were really frustrated then I would use English, and 2. if anyone were to hear me, there's an underlying assumption that they wouldn't understand me.

And number 2 is what has occasionally plunged me headfirst into awkwardness, precisely because of that underlying assumption.  Here's an example, although not in the context of mock-frustration: Once I was at the grocery store about to buy some cilantro because I really really wanted some to go with the carnitas tacos I was about to make and I was doing (what I thought was) some low-key self talk about getting cilantro, but I was saying "cilantro" with a Spanish accent.  I turn around and there's a Hispanic family behind me waiting for me to move so they could also get a bunch of cilantro (maybe even for the same reason) looking at me weird.  

So here's my French faux-pas.  Husband and I were standing in line to get free tickets to see a documentary at a venue downtown.  Tickets were free for students as long as you show your ID and the place was packed.  The line was pretty long and didn't really seem to be moving, so I said, "Qu'est-ce qui ce passe ici?"  with this really Frenchy annoyed tone of voice.  It basically means something to the effect of "What's going on here?"  I didn't think anyone was paying me any mind, and I really was just trying to make my husband laugh, but then the guy in front of me turned around and with a distinctly French accent asked, "Are you French?"

Oh, em, gee, I wanted to die.  It was just my luck that I just happened to use mock-frustration French in earshot of an actual Frenchman.  Of course, I immediately started cackling, expressed how embarrassed I was and that I'm totally not French, but that I playfully use it sometimes, thinking no one would understand me.   And then I did get to practice my French a little, telling him how I studied abroad, et al.

Moral of the story: Never assume.  Because chances are you will be in the precise situation to prove your assumption dead wrong.  And then you will feel awkward and boisterously cackle.

Husband, Salamander Killer

It's been a little rainy in these parts lately.  I guess the wet stickiness brings out the slimy little creatures, because, on everything, we were sitting on the couch Netflix and chillin the other night when I saw a slow moving dark shadow under our bedroom door.

What is that?  Oh, my God, honey, what is that??  If it was a bug, it was a long, huge, extremely undesirable bug.

So we jumped up, ran into the bedroom, peeked behind the door and there it was in the corner, a dark, slimy, long tailed creature that looked like a little lizard but wasn't, and I wanted to die.  How dare that thing have the audacity to enter our apartment!  The sanctity of my life literally felt violated.  I started yelling and screaming and jumping up and down and felt the weight of all of the slimy disgusting things in the world enter my mindspace and I just couldn't even.

This was not just a bug that you could smash, wipe up and then go about your life.  This was a creature.  An animal with a heart and eyes and a little brain and little slimy creature bones that could be broken.  I'm pretty sure hubs was just as grossed out as I was, but he was kind of matter of fact about things.  First things first, eliminate distraction.  He told me to go into the other room where I commenced to ball up on the couch with an afghan, shuddering in disgust.  I figured he was going to scoop the little guy up somehow, maybe with a dustpan or something and throw him back outside.  But then I saw homeboy pick up his church shoe.  Oh, snap!  He ain't playin no games!  Somebody was about to get sent to salamander heaven.  But then, I imagined salamander guts on our carpet and went back to shuddering.  A moment later, he came back out and got a gignormous wad of paper towels, and then emerged with the balled up wad (avec salamander dedans) and went outside to dispose of it in the dumpster.

Slimy, disgusting little creature disposed of, I had questions.  The first of which involved the prospect of creature guts on the carpet. Apparently, hubs didn't 100% obliterate it, but hit it just enough to stop it.  Stop it from moving and breathing, that is.  But was there any blood?  Salamander innards and juices? What did it look like where you hit it?  Yes, the same one screaming bloody murder and shuddering in disgust now had to know all the dirty details.  No juices or innards, but it was "a little torn up" where he had hit it with the shoe.  Ewwwwwwww.  SO gross, but somehow hilarious and morbidly satisfying to know.

Now, when I want to make him laugh, I just call him "salamander killer."  Amphibians, beware!

The First (of Hopefully More) Adventure(s)

I'm sitting at the window of a small-town local coffee shop with hubs during a Sunday inter-service afternoon work session...what ends up going down when you're PhD students who go to a Pentecostal church which still does the two-service thing.  It's rainy and gray, but nothing a toasted marshmallow s'mores latte can't brighten up.  My husband is adorably hunched over his laptop, doing what he calls "coding."  Linguistics stuff.  We know enough about each others' stuff to understand it, but our fields are different enough for us not to be all up in each others' academic space.  This is fabulous relationship-wise, but also positive when it comes to both of us having to find jobs in the same (geographic) area.  Speaking of which...

This is how the academic job search works:

1. Apply (duh)
2. If they like your application, the institution will conduct a preliminary interview with you, usually a video conference.
3. If you make the second cut, the institution will fly you out for a campus visit.  The campus visit includes you having a ton of meetings with faculty and students, you'll teach a class, present a "job talk," have a campus tour and have another formal interview.  It's like a date.  They're trying to see if you're a good fit for them, but also trying to "show off" so that they will present themselves as desirable to you. At this point, you're usually competing with 3 other candidates who have also been offered campus visits.
4. If you make the final cut, they will make you an offer, at which point negotiations usually come into play.
5. If you accept the offer, pending your graduation, at which point you'll have a PhD in hand, you'll sign on the dotted line and have an official, bona fide job!  Whoo-hoo!

So far, I have made the first two cuts with a particular institution I mention here.  So, a week from today they're flying me out to participate in round two of the Academic Dating Game.

I'm excited...my first call-back has now become my first campus visit.  This place had the earliest application deadline, and I suspect they're trying snatch people up before the Academic Dating Game commences in full force in the spring.  However, I must admit that there's a part of me trying not to feel overwhelmed.  I feel the weight of things.  I feel the unpredictability of things.  I'm confronted, once again, with the fact that, try as I might, I can't control my life.

I naively thought that once I got married, the variables of life would be settled.  Or, at least, more settled than they were when I was single.  What I see now is that each point of "settling" actually opens up an entirely new set of variables.

The Only Thing a Dissertation Cares About

So, hubs and I both gave a presentation for our department's Graduate Student Colloquium on Friday.  Here we are pre-presentation:

It was probably the only time we'll ever present together...unless we author a paper together, which might be something we'd consider in the future.  It was a great experience.  We both got a lot of positive feedback, and it reminded me that I'm actually doing something I'm interested in and that I like and that I'm good at.

I'm telling you, writing a dissertation is like one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I'm used to getting by on being "smart."  What I'm saying is that I've always defined myself by making good grades, being a good student, etc.  I've basically been a nerd my whole life.  What I'm learning, though, is that you can be the smartest, most intellectual person in the world, but as far as writing a dissertation goes, it means nothing.  Dissertations really don't give a flip about how smart you are.  They really don't.  The only thing a dissertation responds to is getting your butt in a chair and getting your fingers on a keyboard and hammering it out.  That's it.  It takes sheer work.  An iron will.  Showing up.  Consistently getting all your little fancy ideas spelled out into a Word doc.  The only thing a dissertation cares about is your hustle.

I've had some pretty dreary days.  Days where I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or why I ever thought this would be a good idea.  I have days where I feel uber overwhelmed and where my desired future seems so far away.  I have days where I feel woefully unprepared and like at any minute someone out there who actually has it all together could walk up to me, rip off my facade and expose me as the fraud I am.  Some pretty dark and somber things get cooked up in my brain stew when I'm locked away in this garret of a library carrel.  But presenting like I did last Friday is a little bright spot that reminds me that despite my feelings of insecurity, I must be doing something right.

Another little bright spot: I got my first call back for an interview!  Funny story: I originally applied for a generalist position at this small liberal arts institution about halfway between each of our families. It was the first job I applied for because it had the earliest application deadline.  So, they emailed me back and asked me to apply for another position they had open because it was more in line with my credentials.  When I took a look at it, I realized that it was for Afro-Latin American studies!  There is only one other position I'm applying for specifically looking for someone in that area of specialization.  They must have posted it after I applied for the first one.  It made me feel good because obviously they were interested in me if they asked me to apply for another position in the department.  So, anyway, we'll see.

For now, back to writing...

In the Moment

So, we were riding along on a beautiful autumn afternoon, windows down, admiring the gorgeous fall colors on the trees.  "I love being in this moment with you, baby."  Yes, we unsarcastically say things like this to each other all the time, and it is mushy and gushy and wonderful.

We finally got to a stretch of road where there was a little bit of traffic, and slowed down, almost to a stop. Suddenly, we heard screeching brakes and I remember looking to see where it was coming from when...BOOM!  Someone rear ended the stank out of us.

While adrenaline was coursing through my veins and I was shaking and tearing up, my husband slowly pulls over, puts the car in park and asks if I'm okay.  Then he calmly gets the insurance info out of the glove compartment and gets out to exchange info with the culprit, an old wrinkled up man in a bow tie.  Homeboy tore the bumper almost completely off.

I didn't even get out of the car.  I called the police so we could file a police report, but I just stayed put.

Even though I was a little shaken and highly annoyed at the carelessness of the man who hit us (you "didn't see us"?  Dude, we were practically stopped for about a minute or so before you came plowing into us.  It's almost like hitting a parked car and claiming not to have seen it), I was very thankful for a calm husband who just handled it.

Although it sucks to have a messed up car and now to deal with the insurance stuff (which he's handling now, too), I realized that even though getting rear ended wasn't as beautiful as driving with the windows down and enjoying the fall colors, I was still in the moment with him.  It was a negative moment, but we were in it together.

I know that getting rear ended is probably the least of the negative things we will have to deal with throughout our marriage.  But I'm glad that I won't have to deal with the negative things that come in life on my own.

Confessions

1. Writing my dissertation is hard, and I'm behind on my writing schedule.

2. I should be in my library carrel right now, but I'm not.

3. My hair is dirty and I don't feel like washing it right now, so I'll probably throw on a hat and call it a day.

4. I asked my husband whether he'd had a thing for a certain girl in our department before we started dating, and once he admitted that he had, I immediately regretted asking him.  Now, I feel stupid, not to mention hypocritical, for being bothered by it.

5. When I'm confronted with the fact that I am extremely blessed and have an overabundance of things to be thankful for, I feel convicted and I make a mental note to be more purposefully and explicitly grateful.  God knows I don't take it for granted.  But when I feel the way I feel this morning, it makes me feel bad again because I don't understand why it's so easy for the security of knowing that I am blessed slip away from me.

6. After all this time, I am still uncomfortable with uncertainty and I still struggle with trying to control my life, all the while knowing how futile it is.

7. Sometimes when my husband is asleep and I'm still awake, I look at him and wonder why I married someone so different from me and why he married someone so different from him.

8. A professor took me out to lunch this week to celebrate my getting an article published.  It was originally a paper I wrote for her class.  She was giving me advice about applying for jobs, mentioning that I shouldn't count out applying for posts at flagships on the West Coast even though it's far from where I want to settle because after a year or two I could enter the job market again and it would look attractive on my CV and give me some leverage for a more desirable position in the future.  I wanted to tell her that I don't care about applying to places strategically, I don't care about increasing the attractiveness of my stupid CV, I don't care about being a successful academic.  I want to finish this program, get a job, settle down and start a family.  I'm tired of moving around and feeling unsettled.